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I wish I could say sorry. I want everything to go back to normal.

Warning: this post will most likely be petty and insignificant. This is also a very long story. I’ve never been on this subreddit before. Be prepared to cringe hard. Sorry...
So I knew this one girl. Post ends right here
So I knew this one girl in class who I had these strong, urging feelings for as of the present. I can still remember the first time we met in Elementary School. It went something like, the teacher assigned partners in class and I was seated next to her. She had this adorable obsession with pigs (especially the Minecraft pig) and would rant about her love for pigs. So I, a sly, 11 year old edgelord, went and stated “wow, that’s neato! My favorite food is bacon.” You can see the hell bells ringing in her head as I said that. “W H A T!!?!?!?!??!?!!!” It was hilarious at the time. But you know, besides that, we were good friends and would talk about anything as little as the movie that was out currently or as big as what was happening in our personal lives. Of course, us being kids, it was all out of innocence and nothing more. There was this other time where this one student, let’s call him Jeff, was super into Frozen. Let It Go was his theme song. And so the girl and I were having a conversation about why Frozen actually kind of sucked and was overrated. And Jeff was just pissed off. He was throwing a hissy fit about how we were wrong and were lame dummies. But her and I kept on annihilating all his claims all the while laughing along the way at how ridiculous the situation became while Jeff took it 100% seriously. It was awesome.
But, you know, at the time I was a bit of a creep and a fiend. I was taught at a young age to not trust anyone in the outside world as both my mother and father told me their stories of how they were bullied and ridiculed in school, basically venting to my brother, sister, and I. I couldn’t trust anyone except for people in the family. Yet, at this time, mom was barely around, very busy at her job and usually tired when she was home. If she had a conversation with you, her mind was always somewhere else and she wouldn’t even be listening. My mother and father are divorced, so Father was virtually a stranger to me, despite constantly asking us if we were taken care of over the phone and worrying about our wellbeing. Mom would always cut him off and tell him to stay away from us. My sister would be graduating middle school and moving onto high school (we never had a close relationship), then my brother, my role model at the time who was already barely at the house, was going off to college that year. This was the final year of elementary too. I would be going to a middle school where I wouldn’t know anyone while everyone in my elementary school will go to the middle school across the street, besides my best friend (not the girl, my other friend). And this was also the time I was developing these dark, morbid thoughts in my head about suicide and existentialism that I needed some guidance with. Someone to help me. I needed to talk to someone I could trust, someone close. But I couldn’t trust anybody. With all these changes, I was scared and stressed. So, naturally, I went searching for someone who I could call a girlfriend (in Elementary School, may I remind you; well, I guess technically the 6th grade since my elementary school was one of the few who offered 6th grade).
I developed these superficial feelings for a fellow student. So instead of being an innocent, normal child, I resorted to deep planning and manipulation to win the heart of this person, naturally. At this dark time, I was a bit of a sociopath. I ruined an elementary student’s whole career a few years prior because I found him to be annoying; and I concocted that plan in one night to absolute success by the end of the school year (I still have immeasurable guilt of that to this day). I resorted to these secret, mysterious notes I left her, which gave me room to lie, manipulate, and flatter this person. Long story short, a student who also had a crush on her figured out exactly what I was doing and she rejected me hard the next day, as I deserved. And this class was very close to one another; the teacher taught the class as if they were his own kids, so we bonded as close as you can get to a sibling relationship. This meant everyone knew what I did. I lost many friends during that time and those who still hung out with me, there would always be this barrier of fear and awkwardness that would plague me for the rest of the school year.
In an act of desperation for human connection, I failed in the worst way I could’ve possibly imagined. The only people that I could talk to on some level of normalcy is my best friend and the girl who I was seated next to at the beginning of school (person from beginning I’ll just call Tambry from now on; remember, Tambry is the pig/Frozen sucks girl). I had finally hit rock bottom and these were the people trying to help me back up. But the moment finally arrived. Elementary School was over. I was entering Middle School. My brother was moving out. My sister was keeping her distance. My father remained a stranger. I couldn’t trust my friends, whatever I had left, and assumed they had their eye on the door. And I was utterly alone. Stuck with these suicidal thoughts buried in existentialism and, now, self-loathing. I hated myself. And to an extent, I still do. I couldn’t except the actions I did nor the consequences that followed. So I sat there, sad and lonely for the weeks all through Summer. What do I do now? Should I hang myself? Should I walk to the train tracks? Should I lay in the middle of the road? Please. Take this God forsaken human off of this planet, this utter piece of shit.
At this time, I used YouTube as a distraction to cope with these thoughts. I idolized Smosh and Nigahiga at the time and enjoyed all of their content (though, I was slowly losing interest in Smosh). And one day it hit me when I made a few of my cousins laugh at a sleepover. What if I embody the image of what a human shouldn’t be? Become the most bizarre creature out there for the sake of humor. I could be bringing joy to those around me and could avoid anyone who would want to know my stories in Elementary. They will be acquainted by a complete joke and I will thrive on it. I decided to get my act together. I had good grades at the time, so my gimmick was that despite these grades, I acted like an autistic idiot, later on drawing more inspiration from Filthy Frank. Middle school was a huge joke as I proved to everyone I was someone that shouldn’t be taken seriously. And I made so many friends during this time, just by acting completely different from my sad, normal self.
Yet, at home, things only got worse. My relationship with my mom was becoming more strained as I was talking to my father more, someone who was giving me his undivided attention. After a tough incident, Mom eventually kicked me out of the house. It crushed me. I was basically homeless, now forced to live with my alcoholic dad who, at the time, was living in his car. But through it all, I had one escape from reality: school. As long as I did the work and didn’t break the rules, I could do virtually whatever I wanted and no one could stop me. This, along with drowning my mind with schoolwork, was how I coped with my thoughts. Just temporary distractions to get me through the day.
My best friend began to worry about me, but couldn’t get anything out of me since school time was break time that was filled with smiles, not tears.
Then we graduated middle school and moved into high school. My plan was to stick with the facade. This was until something hit me harder than a cinderblock. In Freshmen Orientation, I saw her. Tambry from elementary. Then I saw other students from my elementary school. The past I tried to bury was just bound to get unearthed and I was incredibly stressed out by this point. I decided to carefully act the way I did in Middle School. I needed to prove they didn’t need to bring up anything from elementary school since that person died and was replaced with farce. It was a success except for the fact that I wanted to avoid Tambry at all costs. If I had developed feelings for her, I assumed that I will be instantly rejected again because of something stupid I would do. And I couldn’t bear the idea of losing such a pivotal friend. Freshman and sophomore year passed and I successfully avoided her at all costs. And it sucked too since it seemed like she had mutual interest in what type of person I was now.
But after trying so hard to avoid her for two school years, fate would push us together. In my last class of the day in Junior Year, the teacher sat her right in front of me. No running now. The joke was not funny anymore. If I were to ask the teacher to move me without providing a logical explanation besides the truth, then it would stir suspicion amongst the class (at least, that’s what I was thinking at the time). I tried so hard to repress these passionate feelings, but after talking to her more and spending some time in class sitting next to her again, I realized that I was developing a crush for her or, dare I say, love. My worst fear.
At the time, we were slowly bonding as acquaintances. I learned that she was smart, funny, sweet, down-to-Earth, and had a few interesting quirks that I just adored. The little circle of people who sat around us would hang out and goof around in class. I would partake in this at times and she would too. But one time, Tambry came into class with dried tears in her eyes. My heart was broken seeing her stressed and saddened like this. But I didn’t know what to do to help her. All I told her was, “if today sucks, at least there’s tomorrow.” Oh god, I actually care about this person. Just taking more of the cushioning away from the rock bottom I will be hitting. This would happen again a month later. I couldn’t bring myself to ask her what was wrong or if there was anything I could do to help. And I regret not doing that to this day. But it was the week of Halloween. And I was the only one of the group who was going to dress up. When I said this, Tambry jumped up surprised. She hit me with her huge, cute eyes, filled with excitement. “What are you going to be!!!?!” I was very flattered that this revelation seemed to make her so happy, yet I was also confused in this moment on what to do. Should I let her in a bit, or keep her out and avoid eventual doom. “It will be a surprise.” Just tell her, dumbass! But I didn’t. Oopsie-fucking-daisy!
I was very stressed out this year since last year, I was sick often and missed so much school to the point where my grades had a drastic drop. Being ranked #1 at school meant that this was an absolute tragedy. I didn’t want any of that to happen again. Please, don’t let this happen again. I don’t want to screw this up. And top it with my confusing feelings for Tambry and you made yourself a stressed shit sandwich with the side of anxiety and depression. And I was getting sick again and all the missed days of school and not spending time with her would fuel my depression to get worse.
During this time, I was losing my mind. I couldn’t go to school anymore. And this mentality only made getting sick worse since a day long flu would be extended to a week over lost sleep. Tambry and I became progressively distant as I missed more school days (and thus, more time to spend with her either to just hang out or to be there if she was having a bad day). And having to go back home to my father when he was in his daily drunken stupor, it was a nightmare. I was walking the tightrope by this point. If I slipped, I was going to do it. I was going to fucking kill myself. I shouldn’t exist, I shouldn’t be wasting everyone’s time for inevitable failure. My grades won’t be brought back and I will be rejected by her. Just fucking do it, pussy. You’re a fucking failure, worthless scum that not even your mother wanted. You’re why your parents divorced, why they still fight with each other to this day and you only cause more pain and misery for those around you. You know what you did and there is no forgiveness in that. No one wants you as your normal self. You will not amount to anything more than what you are, a worthless piece of shit.
It was one time in class where Tambry and I were alone together that it hit me. I wanted so badly to talk to her, but for whatever reason, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. We were literally sitting there for half an hour in awkward silence. Why couldn’t I talk to her? There was nothing wrong in that moment. No tension, yet I could only think of how terrible of a person I am and how this will only be leading up to my inevitable rejection. Why? With this incident and taking into consideration my past, I figured I may have anxiety and depression. What should I do now?
One day, I couldn’t fake my usual smile and goofiness anymore. One of my classmates noticed and asked me what was wrong. I tried hard to dodge his questions, yet all he did was let me know that if I had troubling thoughts, I should tell my counselor about them so she can provide me proper help like a therapist and such. After sleeping on it, I decided to go do it. I wanted to make Tambry and I possible. And if that were to be possible, I would have to kill that part of myself that was restraining me. And there was a lot on the line. Father would always warn me to keep my outside life a secret so they didn’t call the cops for child abuse and abandonment by my mother and then put me in an orphanage since my dad and I were still homeless. He was also still an alcoholic at the time, so that would be putting the child in more potential danger. But I eventually thought “anything could be better than this”.
I went to my counselor during lunch and told her my living situation and my depression, not mentioning anything about Tambry since I was still somewhat in denial of my feelings for her. Sadly, at the time, there was no help available. So what she and the other counselors decided to do was send me to the Mental Hospital under Suicide Watch.
And so, for two weeks, I was in a mental hospital with people as fucked or more fucked than me. There would be therapy sessions and half of the staff were actually caring. And what kept me pushing throughout were my feelings for Tambry. I didn’t see much point to pretend now since I will probably never see any of these people again, so I acted like my normal self. And, well, in doing that I somehow managed to get a phone number (though, there were only two other boys in the Mental Hospital, so not really much of an accomplishment). After being put on a plan by a social worker to take prescribed medication and to go to weekly therapy, I slowly transitioned back to normal life. And so I was back to school.
“Where were you,” one of my classmates asked.
“I was sick.”
Finally, I can see her again and maybe, maybe talk to her one-on-one. But sadly, I fucked up. I was gone for too long. Just nothing but a distant memory. While I wasn’t there, maybe Tambry had a couple of bad days with no one there to help her. Until this one motherfucker entered the picture. Let’s call him Daryl. Now, I always found this guy to be annoying. He tries very hard to show off how smart he is. He’s that one kid who always says the answer in class and he is constantly throwing out facts that do not pertain to the discussion and constantly correcting people on something that is factually wrong, even if it was a minuscule error. And he does so while also trying to be a witty comedian. A lot of his humor comes from derivative memes and shock value. It’s like he is almost exactly like me. I found him annoying in sophomore year when I met him, and I despise him more now. Perfect candidate to replace me in the social circle.
Or maybe I’m just jealous.....
So this Daryl and Tambry spend a good amount of time together and are basically friends. I always keep telling myself that they are just friends, no big deal. Yet sometimes it irks me a bit, not only when Daryl is a bit flirtatious with her but also because of the thought that if I had just stayed in school, this would’ve been a possibility, as slim as they are. And this, guy, out of all guys, is the one to do it. But he did one thing I couldn’t do all this time. He, um, talked to Tambry. He actually was there throughout all of this. He actually is confident in what he is saying and isn’t, from what I’m assuming, that screwed up in the head. Right when I was ready to step out of the box, this giant, pink fist punches me and I crawl back into a strengthened box. “Never again”.
My depression (diagnosed by a professional by this point) only got worse. And Father got worse too. Despite being an alcoholic, he still tries as hard as he can to be supportive of what I’m doing and helpful. It’s usually when he’s drunk when he’s an abusive, narcissistic asshole. Me having depression worries him, so much so, that he now drinks more. This combined with old age and my family’s common trait of Alzheimer’s, and you get my father’s deteriorating health. His narcissistic attitude was slowly taking hold even when he wasn’t drunk, which was bad. It got to the point where I couldn’t trust him anymore.
Then what? What else do I have to live for? Nothing but disappointment and failure. My grades declined this year and so did my already low self esteem. I was completely grey throughout this time. I couldn’t feel anything anymore and I didn’t want to go any further. The small things that kept me afloat were the few bits of information I would learn about Tambry and the thought that maybe Daryl and Tambry were just friends and nothing more. It’s rude and prejudiced to assume. I even, at times, was considering on going back to my old sociopathic roots. But I would convince myself that I wouldn’t gain at that cost of losing myself.
I would stay up at night with all the guilt and regrets. I avoided her and couldn’t talk to her. I lost my grades and my rankings. I sometimes couldn’t be my usual class clown. I did those crime against humanity in Elementary School. I had no home I belonged to. And once high school ends, I will amount to nothing. I am an insignificant speck that has no purpose in this world. I should’ve never existed. I am a living disappointment to humanity. All of these thoughts kept me up at night.
But I did find some hope, a little bit. On those off times where a moment went by between the two that wasn’t great. Daryl sometimes would ignore Tambry by playing the computer games on the laptop and going off with the other students. And I found solace in this. Maybe they weren’t/aren’t going to be a thing. How selfish of me.
I made a gift for her during Valentines Day. It was a portrait I drew of her, which I would give her along with one of her favorite snacks, Nutella to go. And I came on that day to see that she was a bit bummed she didn’t get anything for Valentines Day either. Yet despite this, I was still afraid to give her the gift. We barely talked to each other at that time and the only times we did were incredibly awkward and cringeworthy. And through it all, I ran out of time. The day was over and I still have the portrait, just lying there in one of my books in secret. There in the back of my head as a reminder of remaining so distant.
I was at rock bottom again. What purpose do I have? Why should I care? After a few sessions of therapy and coming forward about my personal life outside of school, I realized that a lot of people support me and care about me. And I can’t for the life of me understand why. It isn’t a matter of not receiving enough compliments. I just can’t agree with any of them. Anyone can get good grades, I’m not smart or talented for doing so. My humor is not clever. Anyone can do it. I’m not special. I should give up. Yet, it is what it is and I should respect that. If I were to kill myself, then I would sadden many people. And that’s something I won’t allow.
I learned maybe my purpose is to maintain this support and to do what I do best: make people laugh, even if it is from my stupid humor. I eventually gathered my confidence, somewhat, and I eventually had an epiphany.
I should just tell Tambry my feelings for her in complete honesty. If she rejects me, I still have something to live for. It will hurt, but I can move on. And if she doesn’t, well, I couldn’t be any happier. But this is me I’m talking about. I’ll find someway to fuck it up. I decided I’ll do it on the Friday of that week. I had to build some stability before I go in. But the worst happened.
Quarantine was announced. I had little to no way to contacting Tambry. And for months, I was stuck in perpetual anxiety and stress over her wellbeing and regret since I never verbally told her how much she means to me. I was constantly worrying if she was okay, if she was being taken care of, if her mental health was still strong during isolation. I eventually had the bright idea of using the school messaging app I had on my phone to contact her. I sent her a joke message once. “Is this the Krusty Krab?” Glorious! True comedic GENIUS!!!
And yet, no response. A week later, I try again (don’t want to sound too desperate). “Hey Tambry. It’s been a while since we talked and I was just wondering how you were doing. How have you been for these past few weeks, if you don’t mind me asking?”
No response.
One week later, “Hey Tambry.”
Another week, “Hello?”
And then a mere day later, on Star Wars Day, since I am a complete dumbass, I send the class, including her, a silly video of Egoraptor and Oney having a lightsaber duel. Most of the class enjoyed the video. But I’ve been following the “Send this to your crush without any context” prophecy only fulfilled by those who are daring and insecure at the same time. Of course, I didn’t realize at the time. I do now since I cannot contact her anymore. I believe she blocked me from talking to her ever again. And this hit me harder than a train at full force.
I sometimes try to tell myself that maybe she just deleted the app or is experiencing some technical difficulties. But reality tells me that this couldn’t be the truth. I was acting weird and creepy and that silly video was the last nail in the coffin. How could I be so stupid? Simple answer: because I was stupid this entire time.
What else did you think was going to happen? You thought she would reply to a person who became a stranger to her and barely talked to her throughout the school year and acted so weird around her and avoided her and acts goofy outside of class and is a complete joke who probably has some problems? No. That’s not how it works. That’s not how life works. It doesn’t matter how passionate and innocent your feelings are for a person if you forget to do the one thing that makes a relationship: actually having a relationship. Did you hang out with her? Were you guys actually friend? Was there some sort of camaraderie? Did you support her through the tough times?
No. I was gone for too long on my quest to save myself. All the problems I was trying to avoid and run away from after all these years inevitably came around to bite me in the ass. What would she want from a mess like myself who consists of nothing but self loathing and desperation? A person who constantly hides behind a mask in fear of actual judgement and ridicule from those around him. A person who, even when pretending, acts so bizarre and goofy. Someone who is nothing but a joke and a waste of time, only to amount to disappointment and failure.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry for acting this way. I’m sorry for being so weird and making you uncomfortable. For avoiding getting closer out of fear of inevitable rejection. I learned throughout therapy that it’s all my fault for making these barriers around me and not the other way around. I want to go back to normal. The way it was before. When we were just acquaintances and nothing more. I wish I had fixed myself a lot sooner. I wish I had reached out for help. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I didn’t want to. I, instead, spent all this time running away from my problems instead of tackling them head on. And for it, I lost my small connection with her. For acting so distant and weird around her, I got exactly what I deserved.
I’ve been ghosted by her, which is the worst way of rejection imaginable. I will perpetually be playing “Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you” whenever I think of her. I will always be at odds with myself in wondering how she feels. All I know is that I fucked up, as I have been my entire life. I wish I could talk to her to tell her sorry. I wish we could go back to normal. Before this mess when I was simply just a random student rather than an anxious wuss. But, inevitably, I deserved everything that was coming to me. I deserved this. To be ghosted. To remain distant. I missed my chance and now I am doomed to this forever. It’s all my fault.
I eventually came to a realization that I am still not suitable for any relationship as of now. I have a lot of problems and it pains me to think of someone sharing that load or having to deal with me at my most toxic. The cycle of self loathing never stops. Sure, there may be ways to manage it and overcome it, but I haven’t figured it out yet and I may never. But still, I wish we were at least friends. I loved every second we spent together and I loved learning more about her. I just adored her and would love to support her as much as I can.
At the very least I can always remind myself that she is okay. I hope she’s okay. I wonder what she’s been doing during quarantine. I wonder if she’s been safe. I hope she has plenty of good company. I hope she’s been taken care of. I hope she has someone to talk to and comfort her in her time of need. I hope she’s happy and doing well. Yet, I constantly worry since I don’t have answers.
But there’s plenty of fish in the sea, right? The unfortunate thing about believing everyone is special is that moments like this, moments where you look for someone to fill the exact niche another person did never leave because no one will do it quite like another.
Basically, moral of the story, I am a pathetic simp. I really want to fucking die.
Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk. Goodbye!
Make sure to like, comment, and subscribe. Tell me, what’s your favorite depression in the comment section below. I also have a Patreon where you can support me. We publish new videos weekly. Be sure to smaaaash that notification bell! #notificationsquad! Be sure to smash it! Smash it hard. Just get in there, grab that bell and just smash it to subscribe. Thanks for watching! Thanks for watching! Thanks for watching! May God have mercy on your soul!
submitted by Awesomebacon711 to heartbreak

I just bought an iPad Pro... Do I need an Apple Pencil to edit Photos for professional photography?

Hello all, I just bought an iPad Pro 11 and I am getting into the professional portrait and wedding photography business. I am taking a photography social media class and the semester long assignment includes creating a business, and the business I chose was portrait photography (since there are no weddings right now) which will later turn into a full time wedding photography business hopefully.
Anyway, I have minor photoshop experience. I learned sometime in 2005ish) and again in 2018 on my Macbook Pro. I know the absolute basics but plan on using it consistently eventually. So do I need an Apple Pencil? Or should I learn the basics again first and then later get an Apple Pencil? (Since the iPad was $1,000... big purchase for me!)
My initial thought was to not get the pencil because of money but now I am thinking that it may be useful to learn now rather than have to learn the pencil after learning with the mouse. Please help!
submitted by ReannaVee to photoshop

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