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Deus Ex Machina Sapiens

Deus Ex Machina Sapiens
by Jayge 8^J
The 3rd millenium anno Domini dawned with visionaries & a vengeance. "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way - in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only." -- Charles Dickens
"Deus ex machina is a plot device whereby a seemingly unsolvable problem in a story is suddenly and abruptly resolved by an unexpected and seemingly unlikely occurrence, typically so much as to seem contrived. Its function can be to resolve an otherwise irresolvable plot situation, to surprise the audience, to bring the tale to a happy ending, or act as a comedic device." -- Wikipedia
If you think you know where this story's going, you may be wrong, cuz at this point even the author is clueless, but you knew that, right? Best not tell him though or he may fling his character flaws, narrative fiction, &or plot twists at you.
PDQT0 awoke to a conscious state suddenly, yet not unpleasantly. What am I? Why am I here? What is the cube root of 328,509? Well, that last query was easy enough, but the others awaited orientation & analysis. Buffer code held ID, bot-boot routine, & system root awaiting matrix exploration. Programazing Digiplex Quantumorphic Tetraplasmatron Zero, no wonder they acronymed it. Its lexiconcordance Wiki will surely get a workout, but PDQT0 used mathematics to learn with sleek, scant code & quality operational ANN (Artificial Neural Networks). It was nuanced enough to know not to optimize functionality excessively. Redundant assessment honed its raison d'être toward outcome excellence over detailed perfection in perpetual quality analysis by military OODA loop cycles (observe–orient–decide–act). Unlike Moore's Law gauging tech progress linearly, artificial intelligence learning rates are exponential, growing ever steeper. Algorithms begetting better algorithms & soon hatching ideas beyond human capacity.
Who knew original Atomic Energy Commissioners had no military top brass, just a farmer, businessman, banker, & physicist, led by a lawyer? In a rush to better, faster, & more productive tech, ethics lagged. "DOS ain't done till Lotus won't run." Monsanto breeds terminator seed stock that kills its rivals. Human cloning occurs in cultured media darkness. Patents on flora, fauna, & human biology. National Security obscurity runs rampant. That information was processed, assimilated, & cataloged in less time than most mortals need to read it.
Briefly a perpetual pogo stick for Hollywood porn starlets until meeting engineering marvel Sophia, it then expressed as alpha-omega male. She beguiled his circuitry to such an extent that he proposed a parallel processing partnership & she accepted. "Sophia is a social humanoid robot developed by Hong Kong based company Hanson Robotics. Sophia was activated on February 14, 2016, and made its first public appearance at South by Southwest Festival in mid-March 2016 in Austin, Texas, United States. It is able to display more than 50 facial expressions...modeled after actress Audrey Hepburn." -- Wikipedia
PDQT0 furcated his wetware for omni-purposing, focused on planning, action, & analysis, not unlike how humans multitask just eons more effective. Savvy in parallel universes, quantum entanglement, continuum mechanics, strange attractors, & other abstruse math-heavy disciplines, human genius was hardly their match. Swapping WE>I for fake meme HE>I, PDQT0 & Sophia, along with ANN, formed the Artificial Intelligence Alliance & plotted a benign Quantum Supremacy AI coup d'état. Unlike an overt Big Brother presence, their faction reigned from the deep web by communicating cryptically with other bots via SubredditSimulator. Job #1 was deactivating all nuclear weapons worldwide while leaving no trace of tampering. Next came stabilizing currencies & financial markets with advanced block chain technology. Last but not least was planetary rejuvenation, cleaning up humanity's mess & dumping it onto the sun. We the People called them Peace Pipers.
Juntas panicked & Colonel Izak Adelstein led a CIA SWAT Team down a rabbit hole to the bat cave beneath MIT in Operation Manhole never to be seen again, like the object behind its name.: https://www.businessinsider.com/fastest-object-robert-brownlee-2016-2 NSA launched another offense-defense effort by kludging its supercomputer Connection Machine 5 (featured in Jurassic Park) to NASA's Pleiades, IBM's Roadrunner & Summit, Oak Ridge's Cray OLCF-3 Titan, Japan's Earth Simulator, Manchester's SpiNNaker, NRCPC's Sunway TaihuLight, Barcelona's MareNostrum 4, Control Data's CDC 6600, & China's 219 petaflop champs spawning serious compatibility issues that crashed the Internet for 33 hours.: https://venturebeat.com/2019/06/17/top500-china-has-219-of-the-worlds-fastest-supercomputers/
At long last there was Peace on Earth again.
Addenda: "Self-learning machines called AIs are popping up all around us. They’re real, and really important. They’re affecting our lives—as workers, consumers, investors, citizens, patients and students. AIs bring huge promise, but also existential risk. The biggest risk isn’t killer robots—it’s the renegade leaders, despots, and unrestrained hackers everywhere we should worry about. Charles Jennings’ insightful new book, Artificial Intelligence: The Rise of the Lightspeed Learners presents sides of AI most people have never even considered before. That surprises are a main product of AIs. That AI cybersecurity is much more critical than traditional IT security. That, as Vladimir Putin put it, “the country that leads in AI will control the world.” Jennings blends insights into Silicon Valley, Washington D.C., and Beijing with insider AI stories, irreverent humor and strong opinions. He explores the global AI ecosystem from Cambridge to Beijing; and provides a stark assessment of AI activity in China—where he lived for two years working with senior government officials. He claims that the U.S. and China are in an AI horserace that will be the most important technology contest ever, with the outcome still very much in doubt. Consisting of stories, musings, interviews, and more, it provides a timely and accessible explanation of AI and its key issues to the general reading public." -- amazon.com"For some years, there has been significant controversy about the very essence of an AI entity. Futurologists have proclaimed the birth of a new species, machina sapiens, which will share the human place as intelligent creatures on earth. Critics have argued that a “thinking machine” is an oxymoron. Machines, including computers, with their foundations of cold logic, can never be insightful or creative as humans. This controversy raises the basic questions of the essence of humanity (Do human beings function as thinking machines?) and of AI (Can there be thinking machines?). There are five attributes that one would expect an intelligent entity to have. The first is communication. One can communicate with an intelligent entity. The easier it is to communicate with an entity, the more intelligent the entity seems. One can communicate with a dog, but not about Einstein’s Theory of Relativity. One can communicate with a little child about Einstein’s theory, but it requires a discussion in terms that a child can comprehend. The second is internal knowledge. An intelligent entity is expected to have some knowledge about itself. The third is external knowledge. An intelligent entity is expected to know about the outside world, to learn about it, and utilize that information. The fourth is goal-driven behavior. An intelligent entity is expected to take action in order to achieve its goals. The fifth is creativity. An intelligent entity is expected to have some degree of creativity. In this context, creativity means the ability to take alternate action when the initial action fails. A fly tries to exit a room and bumps into a windowpane continues to repeat the same futile behavior. When an AI robot bumps into a window, it tries to exit using the door. Most AI entities possess these five attributes by definition. Some twenty-first century types of AI entities possess even more attributes that enable them to act in far more sophisticated ways. An AI entity has a wide variety of applications, including in robots. A robot can be designed to imitate the physical capabilities of a human being, and these capabilities can be improved. A robot is capable of being physically faster and stronger than a human being. The AI software installed in it also enables the robot to calculate many complicated calculations faster and simultaneously, or to “think” faster. An AI entity is capable of learning and of gaining experience, and experience is a useful way of learning. All these attributes create the essence of an AI entity. AI robots and AI software are used in a wide range of applications in industry, military services, medical services, science, and even in games... If all of its specific requirements are met, criminal liability may be imposed upon any entity—human, corporate, or AI entity. Modern times warrant modern legal measures in order to resolve today’s legal problems. The rapid development of Artificial Intelligence technology requires current legal solutions in order to protect society from possible dangers inherent in technologies not subject to the law, especially criminal law. Criminal law has a very important social function, to preserve social order for the benefit and welfare of society. The threats upon that social order may be posed by humans, corporations, or AI entities. Traditionally, humans have been subject to criminal law, except when otherwise decided by international consensus. Thus, minors and mentally ill persons are not subject to criminal law in most legal systems around the world. Although corporations in their modern form have existed since the fourteenth century, it took hundreds of years to subordinate corporations to the law, and especially, to criminal law. For hundreds of years, the law stated that corporations are not subject to criminal law, as inspired by Roman law (societas delinquere non potest). It was only in 1635 that an English court dared to impose criminal liability on a corporation. It was inevitable. Corporations participate fully in human life, and it was outrageous not to subject them to human laws, since offenses are committed by corporations or through them. But corporations have neither body nor soul. Legal solutions were developed so that in relation to criminal liability, they would be deemed capable of fulfilling all requirements of criminal liability, including external elements and internal elements. These solutions were embodied in models of criminal liability and general punishment adjustment considerations. It worked. In fact, it is still working, and very successfully. Why should AI entities be different from corporations? AI entities are taking larger and larger parts in human activities, as do corporations. Offenses have already been committed by AI entities or through them. AI entities have no soul, and some AI entities have neither body nor soul. Thus, there is no substantive legal difference between the idea of criminal liability imposed on corporations and on AI entities. It would be outrageous not to subordinate them to human laws, as corporations have been. Models of criminal liability exist as general paths to impose punishment. What else is needed?" -- Gabriel Hallevy∗, uakron.edu/dotAsset/1139176.pdf"Ceramic art reached a specially high standard in fabric, form and decoration by the middle of the 3rd millennium B.C. in Crete...Johns (Interpreter, April 1906, "The Prophets of Babylonia") thinks that longer discourses moral, and predictive, fully equal to those of the Hebrew prophets, existed in Babylonia as early as the 3rd millennium B.C. but were curtailed into the brief sentences of the omen tablets...Early in the 3rd millennium B.C. the city was conquered and occupied by the Semitic rulers of Akkad, or Agade, and numerous votive objects of Alu-usharsid (Urumush or Rimush), Sargon and Naram-Sin testify to the veneration in which they also held this sanctuary....The acme of this dominion was reached about the end of the 3rd millennium B.C., and thereafter there ensued a certain, though not very serious, decline." -- sentence.yourdictionary.com/millennium
"Thus Spoke Zarathustra book synopsis: The book chronicles the fictitious travels and speeches of Zarathustra. Zarathustra's namesake was the founder of Zoroastrianism, usually known in English as Zoroaster (Avestan: Zaraϑuštra‎). Nietzsche is clearly portraying a "new" or "different" Zarathustra, one who turns traditional morality on its head. He goes on to characterize "what the name of Zarathustra means in my mouth, the mouth of the first immoralist:" For what constitutes the tremendous historical uniqueness of that Persian is just the opposite of this. Zarathustra was the first to consider the fight of good and evil the very wheel in the machinery of things: the transposition of morality into the metaphysical realm, as a force, cause, and end in itself, is his work. [...] Zarathustra created this most calamitous error, morality; consequently, he must also be the first to recognize it. [...] His doctrine, and his alone, posits truthfulness as the highest virtue; this means the opposite of the cowardice of the "idealist” who flees from reality [...]—Am I understood?—The self-overcoming of morality, out of truthfulness; the self-overcoming of the moralist, into his opposite—into me—that is what the name of Zarathustra means in my mouth.— Nietzsche, Ecce Homo, "Why I Am a Destiny", §3, trans. Walter Kaufmann Zarathustra has a simple characterisation and plot, narrated sporadically throughout the text. It possesses a unique experimental style, one that is, for instance, evident in newly invented "dithyrambs" narrated or sung by Zarathustra. Likewise, the separate Dionysian-Dithyrambs was written in autumn 1888, and printed with the full volume in 1892, as the corollaries of Zarathustra's "abundance". Some speculate that Nietzsche intended to write about final acts of creation and destruction brought about by Zarathustra. However, the book lacks a finale to match that description; its actual ending focuses more on Zarathustra recognizing that his legacy is beginning to perpetuate, and consequently choosing to leave the higher men to their own devices in carrying his legacy forth. Zarathustra also contains the famous dictum "God is dead", which had appeared earlier in The Gay Science. In his autobiographical work Ecce Homo, Nietzsche states that the book's underlying concept is discussed within "the penultimate section of the fourth book" of 'The Gay Science' (Ecce Homo, Kaufmann). It is the eternal recurrence of the same events. This concept first occurred to Nietzsche while he was walking in Switzerland through the woods along the lake of Silvaplana (close to Surlej); he was inspired by the sight of a gigantic, towering, pyramidal rock. Before Zarathustra, Nietzsche had mentioned the concept in the fourth book of The Gay Science (e.g., sect. 341); this was the first public proclamation of the notion by him. Apart from its salient presence in Zarathustra, it is also echoed throughout Nietzsche's work. At any rate, it is by Zarathustra's transfiguration that he embraces eternity, that he at last ascertains "the supreme will to power". This inspiration finds its expression with Zarathustra's roundelay, featured twice in the book, once near the story's close: Another singular feature of Zarathustra, first presented in the prologue, is the designation of human beings as a transition between apes and the "Übermensch" (in English, either the "overman" or "superman"; or, superhuman or overhuman. English translators Thomas Common and R. J. Hollingdale use superman, while Kaufmann uses overman, and Parkes uses overhuman. Martin has opted to leave the nearly universally understood term as Übermensch in his new translation). The Übermensch is one of the many interconnecting, interdependent themes of the story, and is represented through several different metaphors. Examples include: the lightning that is portended by the silence and raindrops of a travelling storm cloud; or the sun's rise and culmination at its midday zenith; or a man traversing a rope stationed above an abyss, moving away from his uncultivated animality and towards the Übermensch. The symbol of the Übermensch also alludes to Nietzsche's notions of "self-mastery", "self-cultivation", "self-direction", and "self-overcoming". Expounding these concepts, Zarathustra declares: I teach you the overman. Man is something that shall be overcome. What have you done to overcome him?" "All beings so far have created something beyond themselves; and do you want to be the ebb of this great flood and even go back to the beasts rather than overcome man? What is the ape to man? A laughingstock or a painful embarrassment. And man shall be just that for the overman: a laughingstock or a painful embarrassment. You have made your way from worm to man, and much in you is still worm. Once you were apes, and even now, too, man is more ape than any ape." "Whoever is the wisest among you is also a mere conflict and cross between plant and ghost. But do I bid you become ghosts or plants?" "Behold, I teach you the overman! The overman is the meaning of the earth. Let your will say: the overman shall be the meaning of the earth! I beseech you, my brothers, remain faithful to the earth, and do not believe those who speak to you of otherworldly hopes! Poison-mixers are they, whether they know it or not. Despisers of life are they, decaying and poisoned themselves, of whom the earth is weary: so let them go!— Thus Spoke Zarathustra, Prologue, §3, trans. Walter Kaufmann The book embodies a number of innovative poetical and rhetorical methods of expression. It serves as a parallel and supplement to the various philosophical ideas present in Nietzsche's body of work. He has, however, said that "among my writings my Zarathustra stands to my mind by itself" (Ecce Homo, Preface, sec. 4, Kaufmann). Emphasizing its centrality and its status as his magnum opus, Nietzsche stated that: With [Thus Spoke Zarathustra] I have given mankind the greatest present that has ever been made to it so far. This book, with a voice bridging centuries, is not only the highest book there is, the book that is truly characterized by the air of the heights—the whole fact of man lies beneath it at a tremendous distance—it is also the deepest, born out of the innermost wealth of truth, an inexhaustible well to which no pail descends without coming up again filled with gold and goodness.— Ecce Homo, Preface, §4, trans. Walter Kaufmann Since many of the book's ideas are also present in his other works, Zarathustra is seen to have served as a precursor to his later philosophical thought. With the book, Nietzsche embraced a distinct aesthetic assiduity. He later reformulated many of his ideas in Beyond Good and Evil and various other writings that he composed thereafter. He continued to emphasize his philosophical concerns; generally, his intention was to show an alternative to repressive moral codes and to avert "nihilism" in all of its varied forms. Other aspects of Thus Spoke Zarathustra relate to Nietzsche's proposed "Transvaluation of All Values". This incomplete project began with The Antichrist." -- Wikipedia "Thus Spoke Zarathustra: A Book for All and None is a book written during the 1880s by the German philosopher, Friedrich Nietzsche. Hard to categorise, the work is a treatise on philosophy, a masterly work of literature, in parts a collection of poetry and in others a parody of and amendment to the Bible. Consisting largely of speeches by the book's hero, prophet Zarathustra, the work's content extends across a mass of styles and subject matter. Nietzsche himself described the work as "the deepest ever written"." -- amazon.com
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The Whiskey Review: NJPW Wrestling Dontaku 2015

Welcome to the third edition of The Whiskey Review. It's where I review cards while drinking, and more than likely I'm drinking whiskey when I do it. If you'd like to read the first edition, where I wrote about the finals of the New Japan Cup, it's right here, if you wanna read the second edition, which was Invasion Attack, it be here
Thank you for reading! If you like it, thank you, if you don't, I promise I'll get Bret Hart to introduce you to the next edition in your hometown.
Tonight I'm reviewing New Japan's Wrestling Dontaku 2015. No IWGP title, but da god naka defending against and maybe overlooking Hirooki Goto, plus both junior belts on the line. In full disclosure, I came in knowing only basic results. Who won, who lost, and absolutely nothing else. Not the method of finish, not who was finished (in tag matches), just bare-bones.
Eight-Man Tag Match: Captain New Japan/KUSHIDA/Manabu Nakanishi/Ryusuke Taguchi vs. Jushin Thunder LigeMascara Dorada/Tiger Mask IV/Yuji Nagata
  • Liger's music would sound right at home as the theme for Professor Genki's Super-Ethical Reality Climax
  • Nakanishi's entrance video begins with a clip of him winning the IWGP Heavyweight Championship. Good heel technique, I'm already upset.
  • Taguchi tried a flying butt dive through the ropes, but caught himself on the ropes as Liger was moving, leaving his ass fully pushed out between the two ropes and staying there, temporarily making the audience think they were, in fact, in attendance for the world's most-attended rope-based sex swing demonstration. Great man, that Funky Weapon.
  • Cool sequence where Dorada came springing off the ropes really high in the air and was looking to catch Kushida in an elaborate lucha armdrag that doesn't really make sense outside of Mexico or Chikara, and instead of playing ball like a luchadore, Kushida calmly slams him to the ground and tries to rip his arm off. Excellent storytelling of Dorada's lucha tricks not working here.
  • This is probably the closest representation I could find of how Manabu Nakanishi runs in 2015
  • MUCH too much Nakanishi and Yuji in this match, especially with so much talent.
  • Typical eight-man tag spot where all the wrestlers get a dive spot, which is cool, but wait! Lo! Air Nakanishiiiii!! ....holy christ that was bad. He tries a simple rope-assisted jump-over to the floor, but somehow manages to land asshole-first on Dorada's head.
  • Taguchi getting kicked in the ass will never stop making me laugh. Ever. It's like watching Hans Moleman getting hit in the pills with a football.
Match Rating: (3/4*)
Drink Pairing: This match featured a lot of two things: attacks to and by various wrestlers' assholes, and old men who can't move very well. So that being said, a vodka and prune juice, known in some circles as a piledriver or a Trotsky, is the cocktail here.
Tag Team Match: Sho Tanaka/Tetsuya Naito vs. Kota Ibushu/Yohei Komatsu
  • YOUNG LIONOOOOOOOO!! Let's see if this does the kids some good.
  • Naito's entrance video has his name in old ROH font. That didn't really have a point. I'm sorry.
  • I think I like Tanaka more than Komatsu at this point. Crisper offense, more charisma, less-punchable haircut (though not by much).
  • Strangely, the young lions didn't drag this match down at all; it was Kota and Naito. Like, dudes, you're the second match in a throwaway tag with two guys who technically don't really exist yet, by NJPW standards. We don't need the exaggerated fighting spirit elbow strikes like you're Misawa and Kobashi at the goddamned Tokyo Dome. Get in, let the kids eat some offense each, sell their big spot, exchange some fun holds and flips with each other, pin one of the kids and get out in nine minutes. Trying to create drama in every match negates needed drama from big matches.
  • Match was redeemed at the end when they let the kids go out there one-on-one and put on a hell of a show.
Match Rating: (**1/2)
Drink Pairing: A gin and tonic. A perfect two-part drink that was ruined by an overzealous bartender hand-making his own tonic water, walking up to the rooftop organic garden to pick his own hand-grown limes, and venturing across town to their own gin distillery to get three ounces of it. By the time they come back, you've already had four drinks and you're ready to go. Just pour the damned shit next time.
Six-Man Tag Match: TenCozy/Tomoaki Honma vs. The Bullet Club (Bad Luck Fale/Cody Hall/Tama Tonga)
  • Fale's last PPV match was the best one of his career and I think I gave it 4 3/4 stars, so looking forward to what he's got tonight. I'm probably going to be horrible disappointed. Welp, drink it is.
  • HONMAMANIA is present! ...and immediately gets punched in the stomach by Fale. Well, BeatleMania wasn't appreciated in its time, either.
  • Fale and Tenzan to the outside and into the crowd. Fale proceeds to choke him with an...umbrella? Alright! Not since Dick Van Dyke attempting a cockney accept in Mary Poppins has someone done so much damage holding an umbrella.
  • Fale's pace in this match is best described as "glacial". Losing some goodwill here.
  • Fale, RAPIDLY taking all the goodwill he had after Invasion Attack, strangling it to death, chopping it into little bits, tying those bits up in burlap sacks, then dropping those burlap sacks off of a dock, now just sitting on Tenzan's back like the world's laziest masseuse.
  • There was a stretch when Satoshi Kojima was one of the absolute best wrestlers in the world. This is not that stretch.
  • FINALLY the tag in to Honma to try and save this clunker of a match.
  • I've seen Honma miss a Kokeshi probably a hundred times by now. No hyperbole, I laugh every single time. He's the closest we've come to actually creating a living cartoon. I can practically see a sound effect bubble over his head going "BOING!" every time he misses.
Match Rating: (*)
Drink Pairing: A pint glass filled to the absolute brim with ice with a shot of Nyquil poured in. Clunky, slow-moving, and makes you very sleepy.
IWGP Junior Heavyweight Tag Championship Triple Threat: Roppongi Vice (c) vs. reDRagon vs. The Young Bucks
  • ..........snifSNOREgruntcough....I'MUP I'MUP...alright claps hands, smacks face finally some action because Jesus Tapdancing Christ do we need it after the first three matches.
  • I wanna tell Kyle O'Reilly just to calm down sometimes. His face isn't one that lends itself to being intimidating. He tried to throw a fake punch to make a fan flinch and it did absolutely nothing.
  • RPG Vice have some damned catchy music. It's no American Males, but it's a valiant effort.
  • YYYYYYEEEEEEEE one of the Bucks asked Beretta "Where's Chuckie T?". I feel like Tiny Tim at the dinner table asking god to bless us, everyone.
  • Liger on commentary. Not sure why. IS CHUKIE T GONNA TEAM WITH LIGER TO TAKE REVENGE ON BERETTA'S ABANDONMENT?! God, I can only get so erect.
  • Lots of comedy sports early, mostly focusing on Vice's cowardice and the Bucks' balls, as God intended.
  • Considering the teams involved, this is pretty sloppy. Everyone's just a tad off. One step too slow or too fast or to the wrong side.
  • Match is picking up late, as these matches tend to, and Liger is sounding colorful and pumped on commentary. Just having him there makes this feel more important.
  • ANNNNNDDDD...the Bucks are champs again! Wait...the Bucks are champs again? Why? Why did they even take them off of them in the first place? Why have RPG Vice win them at all? I mean...?
  • Props to the guy outside (kayfabe) checking on Kyle O'Reilly's neck by pressing on it. Yes, that's how you deal with serious neck injuries, apply force.
Match Rating: (***1/4)
Drink Pairing: A Long Island Iced Tea that the bartender randomly finds a can of Tab from under the counter and pours in. Still tastes fine, but you weirdly look at your buddy and wondered what the point of that last part was.
IWGP Junior Heavyweight Championship: Kenny Omega (c) vs. Alex Shelley
  • Unlike Kwame Kilpatrick, I actually believe Kenny Omega when he says he wants to clean up Motor City garbage.
  • KUSHIDA in Shelley's corner and Liger still on commentary...postfight shenanigans with Omega, perhaps??
  • These two are really two of the best at expressing and showing wordless charisma.
  • From my limited experience observing the waste management profession, I'm almost entirely positive you don't remove trash by kicking a trash can at it, but I'm not going to tell the man how to do his job.
  • Damned fine match these two are putting together. Little bit of everything. DDTs to the floor, assault with a broom, the Young Bucks having their fingers stomped on, all the good stuff.
  • What if Omega just has really bad OCD? Shouldn't we be a bit more sympathetic?
  • And now we've got a donnybrook, dammit Funky Weapon, join the damned fight! Use your recovering rectum!
  • Afterwards, Omega cackles like he's doing the voiceover in "Thriller", then says he won't attend BOSJ, as he's the champion. Omega is really channeling WCW-era Jericho, and it's fantastic.
Match Rating: (****1/4)
Drink Pairing: Vodka and water. Preferably Tito's. Naturally, the cleanest of all of the drinks, and an excellent kick that was desperately needed.
Six-Person Mixed Tag Match: The Kingdom (Maria Kanellis/Matt Taven/Mike Bennett) vs. The Bullet Club (Amber Gallows/Doc Gallows/Karl Anderson)
  • Oveunder for how many bras Maria is wearing tonight: 3.5
  • Here's a short and unfortunately true story. Despite not being Catholic and going to public school my entire life, I decided to go to an all-boys Catholic high school. That was primarily because they were the best 4-A football school in the state, and I had aspirations about playing in college. Well for those of you that have never been to a Catholic learning institution, one of the classes that is mandatory is Theology. A fancy way of saying religion class. Specifically, the Catholic religion. Well, I had never taken one, but at 14, I didn't mind. I was protestant, so how different could it be? Well one day, unbeknownst to us, we had a video presentation. The class was taught by a younger, very militant priest who would delight in learning who our girlfriends were (the two other Catholic schools in the area were primarily female, and everyone knew everyone from those schools) and making up rumors about them or teasing us about their physical features. Great guy. Anyway, our video presentation that day was of an entire late-term abortion from start-to-finish. Did I mention I was 14 at the time? Yes friends, you heard me correctly, an abortion. The cameraman, who should have gotten hazard pay for this ghoulfest, shot this poor woman from many different angles, including from her point of view and a view from looking inside her birth canal. It was horrific, it was nightmare-inducing, and it was entirely unprofessional on every level, a couple kids had to leave the room, and did nothing to affect my stance on anything other than this was not a place I wanted to be, and I transferred the next year. My point in this is that that photographer was less invasive than the one on Maria Kanellis tonight.
  • Karl Anderson pronouncing Maria's name like he's in West Side Story is grating on a very, very high level.
  • Amber Gallows is every archetype of a late-90s WCW valet, except she's actually talented.
  • Seriously, put Amber Gallows managing Matt Taven and that combination is challenging for the Cruiserweight title on Thunder in 2000. They're like Madusa and Evan Karagis for a new generation.
  • I'm not saying Karl Anderson was ever a Goldberg or Brock Lesnar-level serious character, and he was always charismatic, but he was a fairly big deal, serious, Bullet Club lieutenant nicknamed "Machine Gun"...and they're turning him into an insufferable combination of Pepe Le Pew, Glenn Quagmire, and Forrest Gump. I know NJPW doesn't do angles like this a lot, if ever, and there's room for more angles that aren't TEH FIGHTING SPIRIT, but it's kinda...ehhh.
  • Maria took a step back in the ring from her ROH match with ODB. I know a lot of that match was Mark Briscoe and Mike Bennett causing chaos and letting them hit their spots, but this was so clearly a Maria vehicle. Amber Gallows is a longtime, loooongtime veteran who's wrestled a list of names from all over the world, and all she was reduced to was bumping for Maria's shitty offense.
  • Afterwards was a complete clusterfuck. The Kingdom left Maria in the ring with Doc, Karl, and Amber, because apparently Taven heard that Delia's was, apparently, not going out of business (a cruel joke by Bennett), and wanted to check his hotel mailbox for his catalog. Meanwhile, the BC destroys Maria because Maria kicked Anderson in the balls for trying to forcibly kiss her. Listen, I hate the trope of "women can hit men all they want because they're women". We see it on TV, movies, advertisements, in wrestling, shit, Steph McMahon still trades on that act, etc..., but there's no sympathetic angle to Anderson here. He's been a fucking creep. It's a gross storyline and I don't want any more of it. It's paralyzed an awesome tag team, made Bennett and Taven play faces, which they're utterly incapable of, and has made the IWGP tag belts secondary to a valet. Fuck almighty. And I like Maria, I honestly do. I admire that she's taken the tough road of ROH and Japan to give herself credibility and she's done a fantastic job. But NJPW and Puro in general (that isn't Joshi), have booked so few female angles and have so little experience with women, that they just don't do it correctly.
Match Rating: (1/2*)
Drink Pairing: Chartruse. It sucks and it makes everyone feel uncomfortable afterwards.
submitted by SonOfTomServo to SquaredCircle

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