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I really don’t know if I can make it to next year
I’ve been self harming for maybe 7 years now, and I’ve been cut free for more than 4 months aside from some scratches I did with some jagged plastic last week. Things have just been getting worse and worse and I’m becoming more and more burnt out and incapable of coping.
I’m constantly on the brink of a complete relapse, and for quite a while not have had routine nervous breakdowns constantly. With home based learning and my mother at home I can’t deal with her constant gaslighting and undue stress she’s caused. My brother’s ocd’s been going haywire and she’s been pushing everything from that on me, plus her stresses from work. She’s always had a really short fuse, but she’s normally so busy at work that I just need to be around her on the weekends - so it’s very manageable. For this whole year she’s been yelling at me constantly, and during my mock exams a little bit ago I snapped and yelled back saying that she’s been driving me up the wall and she makes me want to die. I’ve felt horrible about it ever since, and since then she’s just acted nice (with her normal self shining through occasionally) to make herself feel better, because she’s never done anything solely for me. I can’t tell if I want the constant yelling back because this current situation is making me go insane because she’s never been like this in my entire life. I feel like I’m genuinely going insane.
My grades haven’t been that great this year, and my girlfriend’s started acting really different. She’s still the caring and loving person I’ve always known and relied on but she’s started to call me out for not doing well in school - I failed math and economics out of my 6 subjects, everything else were passed, one B, and one A. She’s been saying that if I don’t get above 38 out of 45 points for my ib, she’s gonna break off with me. She wants to be really rich (like millionaire rich), and she says that that’s the only way she can really be happy. She doesn’t seem to see a middle between working minimum wage and being at the very top. Two weeks ago, we were talking about hotels or something and it branched off to money. I’m not a very materialistic person at all, and don’t really want to be rich. She said that I can’t be with her because I’m not materialistic, career oriented, and that I lack ambition - and she needs someone to “work with her towards success”, so she doesn’t see a future together and it would be “a waste of time” to spend this time for nothing. She means everything to me so I was really scared of losing her, and I said that I’d do whatever I need to to get enough money. I just really don’t believe in slugging along with something, sacrificing everything of who you are, just to get money and buy things you want (when I already don’t even want anything really). After that, the next day I got in trouble about being late (my mother drops me and won’t let me go by myself so I can’t even do anything) and had to talk to my grade head. I had a free period last lesson, so after talking to him I went to organize my bag. It spilled over past when school ends, and my stuff was all over the table - so I couldn’t go and pick up my girlfriend from class. She was really angry and said that I didn’t care about her and never put in any effort for her. I kept saying I was sorry. I always do everything I can for her, and always try my best to make her happy and give her all the love I can. I always try my very best for her, and she’s the reason I get out of bed every morning. She’s really one of the few reasons I’m here (there’re probably 3). I’ve never said anything bad to her and I really just want to make her happy. She’s said that I’ve changed, like how I “raised my voice” at her that night when she said she couldn’t be with me. Jump to this week, for the past month and a half my insomnia’s been getting progressively worse. My mother’s been getting more and more aggressive again, and my school work’s piling up (I’ll talk about this later too). My breakdowns are getting harder to cope with, and I’m constantly at the brink of a relapse. Suicide’s popping in more and more and I’m constantly tired. My body and my stomach are constantly aching with fluctuating severity everyday. I had fallen asleep outside after dinner while I was watching a movie with my brother and mother, and came back to my girlfriend late. She got mad, but we went to sleep. That night I couldn’t sleep until 6, and we scheduled to call at 8:30. I slept through my alarm, and woke up at 9:40. She was really really mad. We talked for a long time, and then she said that she doesn’t feel any love from me or that I care about her at all. She said I never put in any effort, and that if I can’t cope “with these small problems”, how am I “supposed to cope with the problems of the real world” (like working and things. I finally explained that my insomnia was bad and I was feeling terrible (left out a lot because otherwise she’d get really worried), and she said that if this is how I act with “just these small problems”, that I would “literally kill” her if I lost my job or something later. What really hurt me was that she said that everything nice I’ve ever said to her was forfeit (like all the promises I’d made to build up her trust), and she doesn’t believe that I love her - and that I’d need to show her I do to build it up again. I didn’t realize I was acting off, and I kept saying sorry but the fact that she said that and that I don’t care really cut deep because she means the world to me, and I always put her first in anything and everything. I always try my best for her and love her more than anything, and I just want to make her happy and give her all my love. It got better and she said she was sorry for starting a fight with me before we went to bed, and I think maybe she understands a bit better now (I hope) that I really do love her and care for her more than anything else.
For school, as mentioned earlier, I do the ib. I feel completely exhausted and can’t push myself any further. I don’t have any breaks from now up until I finish my exams next year. Over the Christmas break, I have christmas itself (which is a lot of time alone) to juggle alongside an entire thesis (my extended essay), two entire internal assessments to do, one to finish, one to plan, studying all the content from this year, and a whole theory of knowledge presentation to finish. All of this over the course of 5 weeks, only to come back to school and push the hardest I can for a whole year - all with absolutely no breaks. The school themselves said that this Christmas break is “crucial for studies”. In this next two weeks (last two weeks of school), I have a math test, a biology test, a Spanish test, my econs IA due (I need to cut my word count by 200), a section of my geography IA due (the analysis), and an English oral mock exam - everything but the biology test is this week.
I have a therapist and I’ve seen him for two sessions. My mother booked him after yelling at me for saying that I was suicidal. I can’t tell him about my self harm or constant suicidal thoughts because he’d have to “break patient confidentiality” because I’m a minor. I haven’t been able to tell him about anything that’s been dragging me down aside from some minor recurrent things.
My only real coping mechanism is music and I’ve had less and less time to write my own stuff, and properly enjoy listening to songs. The other thing is films but I’ve had to cut that out a long time ago as there’s absolutely no way I can slot I into my timetable.
I’m so exhausted, I don’t know how to put into words everything I’m feeling, I don’t have anyone to talk to, I’m suicidal, I’m on the brink of relapse, I’m having consistent nervous breakdowns, I’m struggling to cope, I can’t sleep, and I need help but I don’t know where to go. I hate where I live, I hate my family, I hate school, and I hate how school and the greed it instills affects my girlfriend. I don’t know what to do. I fucking suck as a person, and I deserve to die. I don’t think I’m going to make it until next year, and I definitely don’t think I’m going to make it through this week without a relapse.
I really need some help and I’m sorry this has been so long but I don’t know where to go and I’m so desperate.
Would anyone like to type me?
How old are you? What's your gender? Give us a general description of yourself.
I'm a twenty two years old female from Poland. I study physics (5th grade) and psychology (2nd grade). My fields of interests include history (I mostly dig in just in a few events), psychology (personality disorders) and science (I'm more theoretician than an observer). In my free time I write fiction or play chess.
I used to believe that the person who can type me the best is myself. For three years I've been questioning my type, asking the closest people for an opinion, reading about MBTI. Each time I started writing „type me” posts, I only ensured myself that I've typed myself correctly. Why am I writing now? Let's say that I started asking my family about my childhood in order to gather some information about my mental condition.
As a child I used to be different than I am at the moment. I was a book-smart kid, reading encyclopedias for fun or debating about things I found interesting. In contrary to my present self, I was very talkative, easy-going active, encouraging the others to social interactions. I was sharing my knowledge with random people (not everyone liked it!) and the adults were good listeners, so I made grown-up acquaintances in public transport or in shops. It has changed after I skipped the 2nd grade, because I was bullied by my new class and the teacher.
Is there a medical diagnosis that may impact your mental stability somehow?
My doctor isn't sure whether I have mixed personality disorder or Asperger's syndrome, but the suspicions of having ASD or ADHD (I was in constant motion) have been rejected when I was a kid.
If it was up to me to diagnose myself, I would say that I'm a covert narcissist with obsessive-compulsive traits. I also have been suffering from OCD since I remember.
Describe your upbringing. Did it have any kind of religious or structured influence? How did you respond to it?
If it's a sensitive subject for you, don't read - I wanted to share my opinion to show you the way I used to think in the past and I think at the moment.
My family wasn't very religious, but we used to go to church together. I read much about the prophets and saints, so I was waiting for the day when I would become one. I used to read the Bible by myself.
Our priest allowed kids discuss during children's masses. I reported my holiday adventures (telling ghost stories from a haunted castle!), pray for my family, talk about the saints. They stopped allowing me to the microphone when I prayed for the devil. I felt sorry for him and wanted him to apologize, to stop being evil.
I was an honest child and used to confess often. My parents usually laughed and comforted me when I burst out with tears that I did something wrong (might be an OCD issue). I was even close to confess to my bullies that I complained to my parents, but my mom forbid me.
I joined a catholic middle school (because of it's level, not religion). It made me question my beliefs. I started to perceive them as a constraint. I refused to feel constantly watched, controlled, judged, dependent. After my parents' divorce, I became more focused on earning some money and helping my family.
In the high school I started testing new theories (even the reincarnation), rejecting them one by one. I got to the point where everyone has their own "universe" and their expectations for God (there is only one and no way of perceiving him is wrong. He is represented by our superego and conscience) influence their perception of the afterlife. Forgiveness to the sinners is the way for good to defeat the evil.
The more I was reading about the ancient history and physics, the more religious rules seemed unconvincing to me. Now I'm agnostic. I'm just a human and some things are above my brain's abilities. I'd rather live in agreement with my golden rule: use your freedon unless you violate someone's. Be responsible. Accept the consequences. End up with a positive bilance of them.
What do you do as a job or as a career (if you have one)? Do you like it? Why or why not?
I'm burnt out after nine years of (mostly private) teaching experience. Small talk with the parents is over-stimulating, adjusting to the educational routine spoils open minds of the children. I'd rather allow them explore their ideas than constrain them and keep discipline.
I need independence to work efficiently and creatively. If I can set my timetable and goals by myself, I am the most effective. In the future I would love to work at the university, developing my passion. However, I have fear of failure or not being competent enough to succeed. I'm winning oriented and strongly dislike changing my plans.
If you had to spend an entire weekend by yourself, how would you feel? Would you feel lonely or refreshed?
I rarely leave my house if I don't have to, besides going for a walk to enjoy some music and exploring my inner world. I'd enjoy a home-alone weekend, planning the day only for myself.
What kinds of activities do you prefer? Do you like, and are you good at sports? Do you enjoy any other outdoor or indoor activities?
Do chess count as sports? ;)
I'm able to cut my hand on an egg shell, and have crossed lateralization, so sports don't end well. From time to time I enjoy doing sports (fencing is cool) and if, I like challenges.
However, if you're asking about Se, I have very good sense of direction and quick reflex or rythm sensation. Body control is more difficult.
How curious are you? Do you have more ideas then you can execute? What are your curiosities about? What are your ideas about - is it environmental or conceptual, and can you please elaborate?
I gather knowledge to make use of it. Anything could be interesting and teach me something, but in my fields of interest I usually focus on narrow parts of them. I have many ideas and often test them in order to know if I should invest my time and energy (it's not unlimited) in development of them. If I can't afford it, I put these ideas on a reserve list in case they turned out to be useful one day.
Would you enjoy taking on a leadership position? Do you think you would be good at it? What would your leadership style be?
I like being the leader. If I'm not, I lose motivation. I'm not rude, but, what is harmful for the team, can be bossy – it's hard to trust that the others could have better ideas than mine. Organization of the work, sharing tasks and setting the deadlines are my things. I listen to the team members, gather their ideas and build up a strategy that can work. At this level I prefer doing it by myself, „my way”. However I find it hard to execute and keep discipline, so I'm not the best leader.
Are you coordinated? Why do you feel as if you are or are not? Do you enjoy working with your hands in some form? Describe your activity?
No, compeletely not.
As a kid I used to like working with my hands, like constructing clay pots. Today I enjoy sticking ship models by book or building up house models designed by myself.
What's your opinion about the past, present, and future? How do you deal with them? Present doesn't exist. The future is what matters and the past can show us how to plan it better. Silly thing – I am preoccupied with the perfect future, but I'll never enjoy it – because the „present” doesn't exist. Planning the future is objectively pointless!
Nonetheless, I like predictable things so I think about A, B, C, D... plans till my vision of the future looks like a tree. If the A plan doesn't work, let's check the B plan. If the Z plan doesn't work, it's time to panic. Yeah, I can react to that emotionally.
How do you act when others request your help to do something (anything)? If you would decide to help them, why would you do so?
If it's neither one of my closest friends nor the task is interesting, I rarely refuse, but have ambivalent feelings. Being asked for help means that someone trusts my competence, what boosts my ego. On the other side, it's a waste of time – mine (if it doesn't teach me anything important) and the requester's (if they could do it by themselves).
Do you need logical consistency in your life?
Yes - and the "objective" logic is for me much more important than the "inner" logic. I can over-analyze something for years. The worst thing I do is analyzing my feelings, looking for reasons, logic and ways I should act to have bigger chances to succeed in my life. The more people or non-personal data proves something, the more I trust it, but I'm never sure.
How important is efficiency and productivity to you?
You won't regain wasted time. It usually is better to invest in tools rather that make the process go faster than wait for it to be done in the old way. Still, it is difficult to compeletely waste time, because each activity can teach us something. The questions is – which one teaches me more?
Do you control others, even if indirectly? How and why do you do that?
I'm a control freak. Usually a nice, polite, helpful person as long as someone doesn't piss me off. It's difficult for me to take the blame or criticism. I can be manipulative. And, as I've mentioned before, I like predictability. That's why I need to control my environment, the people around and primarily myself.
Are you artistic? If yes, describe your art? If you are not particular artistic but can appreciate art please likewise describe what forms of art you enjoy.
Not good at painting, drawing or doing music, but writing fiction is my favourite way of expressing my thoughts or spending free time. When I was younger, I used to write poetry. I'm never satisfied with my work and that's why I haven't published anything yet.
What is your learning style? What kind of learning environments do you struggle with most?
I can't focus during lectures. When I listen, I write down all my thoughts, questions, misunderstandings and it helps me to clarify what is going on in my brain. My thoughts are neither visual nor verbal. Reading books is better, but not perfect. The best way to learn something is to ask questions and look for the answers, to look for specific solutions of the problems. You don't understand something? Prepare a presentation, explain it to someone. I feel intellectually stimulated when I can debate about science, freely asking the questions and discussing. Give me the elements and I'll solve the puzzles.
What are your aspirations in life, professionally and personally?
Since I was at the age of fourteen, I have been aiming to become a respected, competent scientist and writer. The fame, with the autographs and paparazzi, doesn't sound attracitve, but I do my best to be recognized by the future generation. I'm obsessed with intelligence and have an inferiority complex :)
What are your fears? What makes you uncomfortable? What do you hate? Why?
Losing my intellectual potential when I get older or being forgotten, being average. I feel upset when people misunderstand me, treat unfair or add extra meaning to what I said. It's their insecurities, not my thoughts, that make them angry. Why pick on me, then?
What do the "highs" in your life look like? Academic discussions. Understanding the world around me. Writing my story freely, with no art block. No intellectual block. Playing with knowledge and seeking for new solutions. Solving riddles. Being with people I love, for them like they used to be for me.
What do the "lows" in your life look like?
Being trapped in unsuccessful overanalysis, making people get tired with me and abandoning me, doing routine job, living with no intellectual excitement, forced to do the house work. Overwhelmed with disturbing activities. Surrounded by much stimuli.
How attached are you to reality? Do you daydream often, or do you pay attention to what's around you? If you do daydream, are you aware of your surroundings while you do so?
I spend the majority of my time inside my head and often suffer from derealization. I am scatterbrained and often forget about some details (like a part of shopping list).
How long do you take to process your emotions? How important are emotions in your life?
I despise emotions, because I perceive them as my vulnerability. I can't control them, what drives me crazy. They are deaf to many of the forms of logical reasoning with them. Having emotional outbursts when something doesn't go according to plan or someone frustrates me additionally.Still, even if I react emotionally, I rarely experience emotion. I don't feel sad, I just cry. Most common of my emotions is anger, I think. Sometimes I cover my head with my hands and repeat some things to get rid of the emotions. Sometimes I play chess or count variants to clarify my thougths. It doesn't last long. I'm not able to process my emotions for hours. Give me some space to react, to write down my thoughts on a piece of paper and I'll feel better.
Do you ever catch yourself agreeing with others just to appease them and keep the conversation going? How often? Why?
It depends. If it's something important, I'll defend my opinion. If I see no point in it, I give up. Some people treat discussions to personally, some don't listen. Why waste time and energy trying to prove something they don't want to see?
Do you break rules often? Do you think authority should be challenged, or that they know better? If you do break rules, why?
Rarely. Only if I think that they are stupid or cause me some harm, but I feel uncomfortable with it.
How long do you take to make an important decision? And do you change your mind once you've made it?
Much time. I weigh decision in my mind until the deadline and am still not sure if it is the best way to do something. I can change it once or twice. I feel better befor making up my mind than before.
Imagine you are alone in a blank, empty room. There is nothing for you to do and no one to talk to. What do you think about?
It depends on the situation, of course. If I was kidnapped, I'd plan how to escape or reason, test my surroundings. Try to understand the motives.
If I am here willingly, it's probably because I want to take a rest from over-stimulation. I sit and think about my book, which is my second (first?) life, about the story I want to tell. I may imagine that I'm one of my characters and add an extra story to sitting in this room – it helps to gather the inspiration! About the schedule of next days (months? years?), in order to achieve my goals. My only regret is the fact that there is no pen or a piece of paper to write down my thoughts.
This description is rather long, but I wanted to contain as many details as possible and answer each question. Thank you for your time and attention.
I've put this and other posts in some places so far, but after getting excluding answers I don't know what to think anymore. The only common thing in the answers was me being a thinker (which I sometimes doubt, as I can get very emotional when things don't go as I planned... but yeah, it doesn't necessarily eliminate the probable possibility that I am a thinker).