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So, this is embarrassing...
I [31/m] fear it's time to move on from her [30/f].
Our major problems: I am in recovery from alcoholism, she's a depressive.
When we met I was drinking and partying heavily, as was she but to a lesser extent. Her drug of choice has always been pot and she smoked every day for years while working in restaurants after college. I never went to college until she encouraged me to. I succeeded wildly, found my calling, and got into a really good graduate school. We moved across the country and she became a teacher.
Since we have been in our new home, which is a thriving college town with great restaurants, tons of things to do, beautiful surroundings, etc., she has been miserable. She hates her job and devotes nearly all of her time to two activities: 1) sleeping, or 2) watching TV.
We haven't had sex in a year and it was probably a year before that too. I have also struggled with sex-masturbation addiction and two years ago she found evidence that I was interacting with cam models. I was deeply, deeply embarrassed and ashamed about this, and was honest with her about why I was doing it and what I was getting out of it. She has viewed it as exactly the same as if I was sleeping with another woman, which is not how I see it. I've been open to talking about it, admitted that it was wrong, offered to install a keylogger or special software on my laptop and phone so she could be sure I wasn't engaging in such activity, etc. I've offered to go to couples counseling to talk about how we can rebuild that trust. None of this makes any difference to her. Instead, she insists that she loves me, that she knows it was an aspect of my addiction (I now take medication that majorly reduces my addictive behaviors, which has been very, very helpful), but that she's repulsed by me (her words), and she can't have sex with me. Apparently for the forseeable future.
She talks about us getting married. She says she loves me every day. But I feel trapped. She has been to see a therapist a few times (and has done this in the past too) but she never persists. She never feels comfortable with whoever she sees. She never likes any medication they try her on and she never consistently takes it. She quit smoking weed when we moved across the country and she frequently talks about how much she wants to smoke regularly again, since that's the only thing that seems to make her feel better. Unfortunately it also would mean me being the sober guy living with someone who is always high as a kite and not really present for life. That's not what I want. I have a therapist I see regularly and I go to addiction support groups every week.
I love her and I want her to be well, but I fear that I she is never going to be able to move beyond our difficulties or address her own problems. I've been trying and trying for so long...years really...to make our lives a happy, healthy, active one. To engage with the world, to be healthy, to eat right, to exercise for health and mental-well being and to reduce feelings of shame about how we look as we get older, etc. To try new things, to explore our new home state, to learn a foreign language, to plan trips. None of my efforts change anything. I come home and she's eating watching television, or looking at her phone watching television, or she's asleep with the television on.
Going to grad school for me was a dream come true. I love my work and am trying to figure out how to make friends. I'm even having some success with this as I've met a lot of people who are as obsessed with the things that I am and many of whom are a lot smarter than me. It's wonderful and really stimulating. It's also an elite school where I am well taken care of and there are a lot of resources not just for me but also for her. But my sudden success and excitement about life is always brought down by her attitude, this sort of "That's great that things are going so well for you" and constant not-so-subtle but never explicitly stated reminders that her friends and family are in another state.
I used to deal with these feelings by drinking. I used to deal with my loneliness and craving for intimacy by reaching out to cam model strangers who would be nice to me for money. I can't do these things anymore. I feel pathetic and alone, while trying to be well. To be healthy. I want to live. I want to fuck someone I love. I want to be excited about waking up each day. I'm ready. I'll do anything. But every time I try to talk about these things she either throws my past indiscretions in my face, essentially saying I have no right to expect anything from her because I am a terrible person, or she turns to self-pity and says things like "Just leave me. I know you want to."
Part of me knows it would be easier for each of us to care for ourselves if we were apart. I don't know how else to help or heal. Thanks for reading my rambling. Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated.
tl;dr: Very long term relationship, damaged by my past addictive behaviors, afraid she won't ever actually be able to forgive me and be healthy again, regardless of my efforts. Worried about being in a sexless, boring, miserable relationship forever because of this.