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Do you love guns and shooting? Cory Gunz played it low-key for the second half of 2020. GunZ: The Second Duel (or simply GunZ 2) is an online third-person shooting game created by South Korean-based MAIET Entertainment. Move around in most games using WSAD keys and aim with your mouse. Home; Car; Parking; Bike; Dirt Bike; Truck; Shooting; Action; Sports; Arcade; MMO; Please wait, Bubble Olympics is loading.
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Embracing Compassion: My Internal Odyssey from Religion to Atheism
To begin, I feel I need to give a bit of background about myself because upbringing and social influences help define world view and mentality. And when that changes, which is rare due to a number of cognitive biases and doubling down, the effects can be quite severe. I was raised, as a white dude, in a typical lower to middle middle-class neighborhood outside Raleigh, NC. I was raised conservative Christian. However, my parents were very loving, kind and supportive and not in any way overbearing or severe. They stayed together and are still married today. This is important as I recognize that I was privileged and lucky to come from a home with two loving parents that supported me. My upbringing was the stereotypical “all American” thing: I was active in church, played lots of sports, was an Eagle Scout, a relatively hard-core Republican, was well read, owner guns (which is still fine to a point) blah blah blah. I truly believed in the standard conservative “boot strap” crap and “welfare is bad”, “omg evil libs”, “moar gunz.”
Anyway, in typical fashion based on my gentle nationalistic and conservative upbrining, I was commissioned as an Army Officer branched Armor after college. This was right after 9/11, but I had begun the process several years prior so I did NOT join because of that incident. Onward: I did the standard Armor career course during my JMO time. Tank platoon, XO etc. In Iraq I was a Mortarman. Did the April Uprising stuff, Phantom Fury, etc. All this time, I believed in what I was doing. I believed that, If i died, would go to Heaven. I believed that when my guys died, and they did, that they would go to Heaven also as Christians. I believed that the enemy would as well: I cannot blame someone for earnestly fighting for something they believe in within reason (fuck Nazis, ISIS, IJA, etc). And I had an inclusivism view on the afterlife...If you died as a good, honorable, devout person God would accept you regardless of dogma. I believed in the righteousness of the job I had to do. My country told me to go liberate the people of Iraq from tyranny. That is how I was able to cope with pulling burned bones out of destroyed vehicles, watching dogs eat bodies on the road, washing blood and meat off the gear of one of my dead soldiers, helping to write letters home to families, separating parents from terrified children as they sobbed uncontrollably, engaging the enemy in close quarters etc. After that year, I was promoted and changed branches to Intelligence.
Fast forward through years of relatively mediocre staff work, I started to have issues. I left the army after CGSG as I got a job opportunity overseas a few years ago and we relocated abroad (I am married with 3 kids by now). During this period, I seriously began to question things. Now, this is NOT a request for pity, this is not a debate about morality of war, this is not a debate about service or politics. This is about how I became more moral after becoming an atheist. I had gradually become very bitter and skeptical politically and religiously. I began debating the ludicrousness of the bible (the whole 3 bazillion gods but only OURS is the right one because the book he inspired says he is). I have been immersed in Islamic culture for years now and I got to see that what was demonized to me was completely false. These guys aren’t evil. They are EXACTLY like the Christians I grew up with: convinced of their faith and doing the best they can or, at least, paying lip service to it and going about their business like normal humans. So the obvious question arose: who is right when both say they are because their book says so? I had no answer and ultimately decided not to pursue it because it seemed trivial and juvenile considering the immensity and scale of the cosmos.
So the seeds of doubt were implanted (and the aforementioned stuff is extremely abbreviated by the way). I began debating people that were close to me about various matters of faith and politics. Very long story short, a particular incident occurred that broke my faith. And it was minor, but I believe it was the culmination of years of growing doubt and guilt. I recalled a story from some years before about a tornado in Oklahoma hitting an elementary school and killing some kids as they hid. There was an interview with a few people and one just popped my brain. A lady who survived was praising god for sparing her. She said she prayed and god came through. Something snapped in me and I was utterly disgusted. What in the actual fuck did she do to deserve to live and not those kids? Does god change his mind based on prayer from a person with an IQ of 12? Is she going to magically do something to better humanity (no obviously not) that she deserved life and not the kids who can’t yet comprehend their place in life? All i heard in response was the good ole “mysterious ways” shit that people spout when they can’t reconcile an event. Then a bunch of mass shootings happened (and still are) and other things. Politicians spending lives, like those of my dudes, for fruitless pursuits of ultimately irrelevant ends. Natural disasters, wars, famine etc. I came across a quote from a famous dead guy Epicurus that says: If god is unable to prevent evil, then he is not all-powerful. If he is not willing to prevent evil, then he is malevolent. If he is willing and able to prevent, why is there evil? If he is neither able nor willing, then he is not a god. It made sense. It added reason to what I had been searching for. However, shouldering the burden of having lived a lie and been amongst killing and death for a ‘righteous cause” was hard to bear. I could no longer justify the deaths of good, wonderful people for shallow political goals, nationalism or religion.
Killing and dying is SO MUCH EASIER when you believe in an afterlife. I know because I literally walked that edge. Of course, now that my entire world view and basis for many things that I had done was shattered, I began to drink...a lot. Like a litre of vodka every day. I couldn’t reconcile how pointless so many things were. The people I grew up with were monsters in my opinion...either wittingly or unwittingly. Fuck welfare! Fuck universal healthcare! Screw the poor people. Screw everyone but me!~ Screw the future! Screw the planet! Screw globalism! All these things became abhorrent to me.
Life was now precious to me. Much more so than when I was religious. Because we only get one shot. There is no afterlife. This made me SO much more compassionate, eventually, but for now I was majorly depressed and drinking. I was never abusive towards my wife and kids, but I became angry and absent. Life was pointless to me. What the fuck is the point of working my entire life just to hopefully not die in abject poverty in the US with no healthcare. Work, work, work to earn whatever is the latest currency to save enough to maybe not die of some medical condition that i won’t be able to afford. Why did I bring kids into this world just to do the same thing in an increasingly spare job market that will eventually be taken over by more automation therefore creating a youth bulge and therefore more wars and death? Why can’t the fucking people who raised me see that taking care of people is ok and not evil communism? I was distraught and felt hopeless. “Them lazy people jurst need jurbs.” I was furious. Furious that people who purport to be compassionate people could justify living in an economic system that REQUIRES poverty to function. It requires people to live on the bottom to function and these same people deride and criticize those on the bottom. They gripe about raising minimum wage for fast food workers but still expect someone to make their motherfucking fries. The maddening immorality of this added to my already broken religious view and I drank even more! Yay! I stopped eating for about 3 months other than a bowl of ramen a day, lost 30 lbs and stopped doing anything I loved. I went to work and endured until I could drink again. Eventually, I was sent to in-patient rehab back in the states for 40 days to clean up, got therapy, got on anti-depressants, got back to my passion for Olympic lifting and begain to repair my relationship with my wife, who has sacrificed so much to get me into rehab. No, seriously, we live in a place that does not have Hippa. I had to board a flight, drunk, and fly 15 hours to Dallas to get into this place. We risked career, country of residence, kids etc. Anyway, because of her heroism, I got cleaned up. We are still working on us right now but things are better and I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD but it’s under control.
That being said, I learned, through all these experiences and clashes within my mind that there is, indeed, a point. The point is to be compassionate. The point is to be kind. The point is to care for others. Because we only get one shot at life, life, therefore, becomes so precious that all efforts should be made to make it joyful. You don’t have to change the world or go on some crusade of humanism (those are good too)...just be gracious and kind to people. Tip well. Be gracious and kind. Be polite. Help someone carry something heavy. Smile to people even if you feel down. Because it’s not about you. It’s about others. I cannot afford to donate much to charity or take time off to go help people in a disparate country. If you can, then go for it! If you can’t, just make the little things count. JUST LIKE JESUS SAID. Now, this is not some fluffy, hold hands stuff that our wonderful politicians make it out to be. There are times where violence is necessary to end suffering because there is evil in this world, but taking care of people is really the only thing that matters. Healthcare for people who can’t afford it, UBI, renewable energy, globalism, diplomacy rather than war. Investing in sciences and space exploration. These are things that help people...that help us. Humanity is the point. WE are all that there is.
And that is the (highly flawed in many people’s opinion I am sure lol) long winded but ultimately condensed story of how becoming an Atheist made me a better Christian. :)
Thanks for reading if you could bear it. I know i have fallacies and biases, but I know what they are and that they are present and I try to get around them. However, this is my journey and how I came to where I am, despite flaws in that reasoning.
TL;DR: I became a better person and started living “Christian values” after becoming an atheist.
Edit: removed offensive words