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Battleground 6/17 Preview
Good day, RWF. We are pleased as ever following the critically acclaimed RWF Sunburn this past week. Special congrats go to Mikko and cough Damian Mitchell for their respective title victories. But there isn't time to rest...we have a hot show this week in Cleveland at the Quicken Loans Arena.
Hardway adjusts his jacket and continues.
First up, new TV title contender El Mondo Loco faces co-tag champ Señor Tigre in what may be a sign of the future. Perhaps Alan will bring his new client with him, as well. I'd also like to announce that June 24 at Battleground in San Antonio, El Mondo Loco will challenge Mikko Paatalo for the TV title.
Speaking of women, Grave Stevens came up empty handed for the second time in a row. She'll look to rebound this week against our new top bikini model, Raindrop.
Hardway stands up, buttons his jacket, and leans on the desk casually. The RWF's newest stars are about to explode when the newly christened Trent Winters will attempt to freezer burn Lord Vecna straight back into his dungeon full of dragons.
Arguably the best match at Sunburn featured Mikko against James Harshaw in a towel match. Somehow, they must co-exist this week against the Blaade Brothers and punt those meandering hooligans. Also of note will be the interaction of Sara and Sister Mary.
Hardway tinkers with a musical triangle in his hands while continuing.
In our main event, we have a triangle match of rather ginormous proportions. RWF World Champ Christopher Steel faces co-tag champ The Foiler and new #1 contender RJ Supernova. Perhaps we'll see an interaction from 'Nova and Steel en route to their soon coming showdown without anyone being transformed into S. Melongena.
In addition to all this, The Stone Foundation has a lot of regrouping and fertiziling to do, Ricardo Sacramento needs a hug, and we await word about Alex Geraldson's whereabouts. It all goes down this week...in C-Town. We'll see you at ringside.
Hardway sits back down and begins writing on a notepad. Fade.
RWF BATTLEGROUND 6/19 PART 1
Andrews: Hello, RWF Universe, and welcome to Battleground! We have yet another star-studded lineup tonight, right here at the Quicken Loans Arena in Cleveland, Ohio!
Slam: That’s right, John! The house is overflowing tonight. I bet the Indians wish they could boast this kind of attendance! Maybe if they re-signed Tom Berenger? But I digress. We have a Pay-Per-View-quality main event tonight, a triple threat between RWF Champion Christopher Steel, #1 contender RJ Supernova, and that ubiquitous claptrap The Foiler! Not to mention what is sure to be a lucha libre classic between El Mondo Loco and Senor Tigre, Grace Stevens against up-and-coming starlet Raindrop, The Blaade Brothers taking on the mismatched tandem of Mikko Paatalo and James Harshaw, and the in-ring debut of Lord Vecna, he of the 12-sided dice, against another new face in Trent Winters!
Andrews: I know I personally have been waiting for a chance to see this mysterious ‘Lord Vecna’ guy prove his mettle in the ring. But first, we have a video shot just hours ago at what is apparently the only Denny’s in Quebec, featuring exclusive behind-the-scenes footage of the Stone Foundation! We take you there now!
We move to the AndreTron, where a video from earlier in the day plays. Troy Stone and Roy Firestone are shown at a local Denny’s with a large eggplant on the table nestled between a pair of Moon Over My Hammy’s with a side of atherosclerosis
Troy: So… [munch] he said 5-7 days, right?
Roy: That’s what I heard. But you know…
Troy: I’m still not convinced. When has The Foiler ever been a man of his word?
Roy: I’m not going to touch that question.
Troy: Besides… was it really, you know, a transformation?
The two return to their sodium-enriched meals and distractedly chomp away. The waitress, her nametag reading ‘Louise’, walks over and begins to refill their coffees. Roy gives her an appreciative smile. Suddenly, the lights begin to flicker and a purple pallor overtakes the value-priced franchise dining area. The eggplant on the table begins to emit a swirling purple mist and glow from within. With a final flash, the mist and glow dissipate, and as the glare subsides the restaurant returns to normal. Normal, except for the naked figure of human flesh balled up in the fetal position atop the table
Stone: Mother of God!
Andrews: How in the hell?
Slam: It can’t be!
Troy and Firestone stand up in unison, staring at the table. Jim the Gaucho’s limbs and head extend slowly, then his eyes open. He covers his genitalia with his muddy hands, then rises on wobbly legs in front of the Foundation, stepping awkwardly to the floor. Louise, who as a long-time Denny’s employee has seen much stranger things, remarks
Louise: No shirt, no shoes, no service, boys. I think you’d best pay the check?
Roy tosses some cash onto the table and hustles the Gaucho outside as Troy follows, nabbing a last slice of toast on the way
Gaucho: I’m not sure what is happening here, but I am very thirsty and have an odd craving for… dirt?
Troy: Do you know where you’ve been? Or what?
Gaucho: Last time I woke up and was naked like this, Aunt Trisha Gaucho had an awkward story to tell.
Roy: This is probably worse.
A pregnantly awkward pause fills the strip-mall parking lot as the shot moves back to John and Rodney at the announcer’s table
Andrews: I… I don’t know what to say to make this anything but a terrible segue.
Slam: Let’s just go to the ring, for our first bout of the night. Lord Vecna takes on Trent Winters, next!
We join Doug Laurie in the ring
Laurie: The following match is scheduled for one fall!
[Metallica - St. Anger pays a visit to the house sound system as Lord Vecna, clad entirely in black from hood to boot makes his way down the entrance ramp, accompanied by his manager Kas.]
Andrews: RWF's newest talent acquisition, Lord Vecna, is making his way to the ring for his debut match tonight!
Slam: I don't know what dungeon we found this guy at, but remind me never to go there.
Andrews: You sure? I got a one-way ticket with your name on it, right here buddy.
[Vecna looks up at lights then jumps onto the ring apron, ducking under the ropes to enter the ring. He moves to the center of the ring and stands, waiting on Kas to come up the steps and enters the ring. Kas kneels in front of Vecna and holds his arms up, to a mixed audience reaction.]
Andrews: Seriously, I hear it's nice this time of year. You really could use a vacation.
Slam: Eat it, toolbreath.
[Disturbed - The Night takes over as Trent Winters emerges from the back.]
Slam: Now here's a guy I can get behind! Trent decimated the talented James LaFontaine in his debut match, and he'll make it two in a row tonight against that masked freak already in the ring!
[The ref calls for the bell as our two combantants lock up, collar and elbow. Trent pushes his smaller opponent into a corner, and the ref calls for a break. Winters backs off, hands raised, as Lord Vecna slowly moves his way out of the corner.]
Andrews: A clean break? In my RWF?
Slam: Wonders never cease.
[Lord Vecna and Trent Winters tie up again, collar and elbow, but the quicker Vecna slips out and locks in a side headlock. After a few moments of positioning, Winters shoves Vecna off. Vecna backs into the ropes, comes back towards his opponent and is promptly leveled by a solid shoulderblock from Winters. Winters pauses for a moment, admiring his handiwork, before dropping an elbow to the sternum of the fallen opponent]
Slam: Look how quick the big man can take over a match like that!
[Winters drags Vecna to his feet, only to Irish Whip him into the corner. Winters backs up, measures his opponent, and charges him, but Vecna ducks at the last second, causing Winters to bounce chest-first off the turnbuckles! Vecna smoothly sidesteps the ricocheting Winters, kicking him in the gut. Facing his bent-over opponent, Vecna hooks both arms and falls back for a perfect double-underhook DDT!]
Andrews: Lord Vecna looks very polished in the ring for a rookie.
Slam: Beginner's luck.
[Vecna rolls Winters over for a cover. One! Tw- Winters easily kicks out at two. Vecna, quickly behind Winters, locks in a seated headlock. Winters fights his way to a vertical base, however Vecna quickly kicks him in the back of his left knee, knocking him back down. Vecna runs the ropes, and on the rebound lands a low dropkick to Winters' chest. Another quick cover, but Winters kicks out again at two. Vecna to his feet to run the ropes again, but Winters leaps to his feet and catches him with a snap powerslam!]
Andrews: Could this be the turning point of the match?
Slam: Remember earlier when I called you toolbreath? Yeah, that still stands.
[Winters picks up Lord Vecna and hoists him effortlessly into a suplex position, holding him there for a few moments, before dropping him into a brainbuster. Smiling now, Winters drops another elbow before picking Vecna up and Irish Whipping him into the far corner, followed this time successfully with a clothesline. Winters turns and lifts his arms to the crowd, who promptly regales him with boos. Vecna rolls out under the ropes, staying on the ring apron and is checked on by his manager Kas.]
Slam: C'mon Trent, ignore these rubes in the audience, get that masked freak back in the ring and pin him!
[Winters stalks over to the edge of the ring where Vecna is laying prone. Winters leans over the ropes to grab Vecna by the mask, but Vecna pops up, grabs Winters' head, and falls down off the ring apron, catching Winters' throat on the top rope!]
Andrews: Nifty move by Lord Vecna, but is it enough to get him back into this match?
Slam: We're saying "nifty" now? Wow....
[Lord Vecna, with his second wind, hops back up onto the ring apron. Winters, still clutching his throat, confronts him from inside the ring, but is met by a vicious shoulder to the gut. Bent over now, Winters staggars away just far enough for Vecna to grab the ropes, lean back, and slingshot his way over the ropes, leg extended and planting Winter's face-first with a legdrop to the back of his head!]
Andrews: Lord Vecna with a Fameasser! That might do it!
Slam: "Fameasser?" PG much?
[Vecna rolls Winters over and covers him, hooking the outside leg. Ref begins his count... ONE! TWO! THREE! and motions the time keeper to ring the bell!]
Laurie: Here is your winner, LORD VECNA!
[Kas joins the triumphant Lord Vecna in the ring, getting between Vecna and the ref to raise Vecna's hand]
Andrews: Impressive debut for this newcomer, Lord Vecna!
Slam: You're very easily impressed, aren't you.
Andrews: Well I think we may all be impressed by how obstinately stupid you can be, Rodney. Let’s move past that and on to our next match! Fans, last week at Sunburn, Grace Stevens lost to Women's Champion, Lili Lafontaine, then got crushed by Amy Lightbody.
Slam: True, but tonight she'll be facing our newest RWF female, Raindrop. And that match...is now.
Laurie: This contest is set for one fall...
A crash of thunder just before "Sleater-Kinney - All The Drama You've Been Craving" begins to play. Raindrop runs out, shaking hands and cheering on the crowd. Climbs into the ring and stares out in awe of the crowd, happy to be here and ready to go to work.
Andrews: Raindrop arrived with very little fanfare, but has been making a name for herself, Rodney.
"B!tch" by Plastacines begins to play as Grace Stevens confidently walks to the ring. When she gets to the ring, she pauses and looks over her shoulder at the entryway, then shakes it off and climbs in for combat.
Andrews: What's she looking for?
Slam: Probably wondering if an ambush orchestrated by Alan Lightbody is looming again.
Grace and Raindrop stand opposite one another as the bell rings.
DING DING DING
Out of the gate, Grace looks over her shoulder one more time, looks back and is WALLOPED with a Thunderstrike (running elbow) from Raindrop. Grace flops over face first, motionless, eyes closed.
Slam: Dear God!
Andrews: That brief moment of hesitation and she isn't moving!
*Raindrop pauses, admiring what just happened, staring at her hands, ala Bob Backlund. Her concerned look vanishes as she grins. Raindrop kicks Grace in the ribs briefly as Grace's lifeless body just moves with the kick.
The referee pushes Raindrop away and lifts Grace's arm once...it falls!
Second check...it falls.
Third check...it falls again!
The referee waves it off and calls for the bell!
DING DING DING
Laurie: Here is your winner by knockout...Rrrraaaaindrop!
Andrews: We have GOT to see that again!
We head to the replay in slow motion. As Grace turns her head, Raindrop scampers to the corner. Grace casually turns her head towards Raindrop, but before she even sees her, a left elbow rotates forty-five degrees and connects violently to the cheek of Stevens. Skin, flesh, and gravity unite in an incredible concert as the elbow mows Grace's noggin over. An expression of elation briefly appears on Raindrop's face as Grace's eyes go back in her head and she collapses in a heap of lifelessness.
Slam: That was the most impressive connection I've ever seen in a women's match.
Back live, an RWF trainer has managed to wake Grace up with smelling salt as she is blinking and sits up. Raindrop is on the ramp, grinning and celebrating.
Andrews: We’re in for a treat tonight, as our next match is between two of the RWF’s biggest superstars.
Slam: Yup, two guys whose talent, unlike their legal working status, is not in question.
Andrews: I’m going to apologize for you, before you end up with Senor Tigre and El Mondo Loco both or your doorstep.
Slam: Yeah, well, in my prime I’d have taken them both. With one boot untied.
Laurie: The following contest is scheduled for one fall introducing first, at 6 foot 7 inches and 99.7 kilograms, from Buenos Aires, Argentina and accompanied by Fireproof Alan Lighbody he is ELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL MOOOONDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Don’t Cry for Me Argentina echoes through the Quicken Loans Arena and Alan Lightbody exits the backstage area gesturing wildly until he finally turns and points to El Mondo Loco, who steps out cloaked in the flag of Argentina, spreading it majestically and spinning slowly. Lightbody leads his client down the ramp to the ring, where Loco jumps up to the apron and climbs the outside of the turnbuckle, again spreading the flag of Argentina before stepping over, dropping into the ring and handing the flag over to Lightbody. Both men enjoy the adulations of the crowd, and the boos as well.
Andrews: There goes the newly crowned Number One contender for the Television Title.
Slam: If I remember right, that gets defended next week, right?
Andrews: That is. Every two weeks.
Laurie: And his opponent: at 6 foot and 190 pounds, he is one half of the Tag Team Champions and Ruler of the Glorious Nation of Hurtsville, SENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRR TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Andrews: And here is a man who I’d never like to meet in a dark alley.
Slam: Why? He probably has a couple grand on him at all times, one good crack with a slapjack and you’d be rich.
Andrews: Because he’s one of the most evil men that stalks the locker room. The man ruins kids birthday parties to get his jollies.
The lights turn down low as the sounds of Spanish guitar fill the arena and the lights swirl up to the top of the ramp where Senor Tigre is, standing like a monument to wrestling. He points to the ring and sprints down, leaping over the bottom rope and combat rolling, popping up in the center of the ring- inches away from El Mondo Loco, arms held up high. He reaches out and snatches the microphone from Doug Laurie.
Andrews: Quite a display of agility from Senor Tigre.
ST: Usted dice ser un luchador, probarlo a mí, con un verdadero partido de lucha. Entretener a estos gente y yo muestre su velocidad!
Senor Tigre extends the microphone to El Mondo Loco, who takes it, gets chest to nose with the smaller man, slowly raises the mic to his lips and says:
The mic drops as both men retreat across the ring, the ref signals for the bell…
Andrews: Let me just get out the old Spanish-English dictionary- Tigre just asked for El Mondo Loco to prove that he is a luchadore, by having a true lucha match with him. We should see some high flying and quick moves here tonight folks.
Slam: Then my money is on Loco- you have to be crazy to do some of those high risk moves and crazy is in his name!
Both men go in leading with their right and drop down to a knee spinning around each other, searching for an opening, finding none they both fall back and hit the ropes, Loco goes for a forearm and Tigre slides under the larger man’s legs, and gets up again springboarding off the second rope and flipping in mid-air, catching the turning Loco by the head.
Slam: I blinked, what happened?
Andrews: Tiger’s Bite! What a move by Tigre, this could be over quickly!
Slam: I have been telling you all for months how good that evil bastard is he only needs one second, one, and he can take you down.
Loco reaches up and slowly pries Tigre’s arms apart using his greater size, Loco quickly turns around and grabs Tigre’s waist flipping him over and bridging into a Northern Lights suplex pin.
Andrews: Great counter by El Mondo Loco…
Lightbody run’s over to the announcer’s table and yells at John Andrews loud enough for the mic to pick him up.
Lightbody: Make sure you mention that he is represented by the Lightbody Agency!
Andrews: …who is represented by the Lightbody Agency- can you believe this guy?- as I was saying, he turned a devastating move into a pin, that is quick thinking!
Slam: El Mondo Loco is the greatest athlete to come out of Argentina, it was far too soon for Tigre to try and finish him off.
Andrews: So it’s going to be one of those matches for you?
Slam: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
The ref goes for the count but Tigre has rolled slightly to keep one shoulder up, Loco releases the bridge and both men quickly roll to their feet. Loco sprints at Tigre, again going for a forearm, but is met with a drop toe hold, Loco’s head hits the mat hard and Tigre moves like a blur, locking his leg behind his knee and bridging into a modified STF. The ref drops down in front of the two men checking to see if Loco wants to tap, Loco waves him off and reaches up grabbing Tigre by the nose, but the ref stops him. Slowly Loco drags himself to the side, getting himself within inches of the ropes, the ref checks again, and in the split second he is not watching the ropes Lightbody reaches out and drags him the final few inches to the ropes. The ref stands again and sees the hand on the ropes instructing Tigre to break the hold and counting to 5 before Tigre rolls off and begins to yell at the ref.
Andrews: Senor Tigre looks furious…
Slam: Doesn’t he always?
Andrews: …I suppose. Did he see Alan Lightbody drag El Mondo to the ropes?
Slam: What are you TALKING about? I didn’t see that.
Andrews: You really are something, you know that?
Slam: Yes I do. Thank you for finally acknowledging my greatness.
Loco rolls out and Lightbody begins to counsel him, pointing at Tigre. Tigre sees this and hits the far ropes building speed; he leaps for the top rope and springboards off, flipping in mid-air with a shooting star that drives both Lightbody and El Mondo Loco into the steel divider. Fans reach out patting all three men.
Slam: That was nuts!
Andrews: Tigre is in his element in this match, and has taken complete control here, but we have to go to commercial.
Slam: Really?! This is just getting good.
As we come back from commercial Loco is leaning back heavily in a Texas Cloverleaf, Tigre’s face a mixture of agony and determination as he slowly crawls to the ropes, as he reaches out to finally make contact Loco lets up a little and drags Tigre back to the center of the ring.
Andrews: Welcome back, folks, this match between El Mondo Loco and Senor Tigre has become a sight to see!
Slam: Yeah, both of these guys are going full tilt in this one. Let us show you how we got here.
A replay shows picture in picture style as Tigre once again begins to crawl for the bottom rope; it shows the aftermath of Tigre’s springboard shooting star, as Tigre stands to bask in the afterglow of this Monster by Skillet begins to play and the hulking form of Amy Lightbody can be seen stalking to the ring Tigre and the ref allow her to grab their attention and in that moment Alan Lightbody low blows Tigre. As the Felonious Feline doubles over Lightbody helps Loco to his feet, directing the Argentinean Adonis to tear up the mat outside the ring, and then Loco delivers a massive piledriver to Tigre, leaving him for dead outside the ring rolling in to collect the victory as Lightbody instructs the ref to begin counting Tigre out. But to their dismay, Tigre makes it in at 9. The P.I.P. replay fades out as Tigre makes it to the bottom rope grabbing it with both arms. The Lightbodies and Loco both begin yelling at the ref, indicating that Tigre must have tapped, but the ref disagrees shaking his head no.
Andrews: The low blow was bad enough, but it was that piledriver directly to the concrete that changed the momentum in this match.
Slam: What low blow?
Andrews: I’ll pay for the glasses, you know, just so you can see what is actually there. I think your side job as an NBA ref is affecting your work.
Loco goes over and wishbones Tigre’s legs delivering a boot to his midsection, then guillotines Tigre on the bottom rope by falling backwards. Getting up quickly Loco doesn’t let up, again placing Tigre’s head under the rope, then by grabbing the top rope he launches himself over and delivers a leg drop, sliding off as Lightbody runs over and raises his hand showing the world how great El Mondo Loco is.
Andrews: Good lord! That’s nearly 220 pounds right to Senor Tigre’s neck.
Slam: Hey look!
At the top of the ramp appear Mikko Paatalo and his sister-in-law Sara, Amy begins to go after Sara but she moves a hand from behind her back, showing Amy her crowbar, which causes Amy to think twice.
Andrews: Even with her size advantage, Amy wants noooo parts of Sara with a crowbar. Slam: Oh baby, that is hot.
Andrews: You have deep seeded issues.
Loco rolls back in the ring and goes to grab Tigre who hooks Loco’s leg and rolls him in a small package.
Loco manages to roll the package over pinning Tigre
Tigre rolls it back
Loco rolls it back
Tigre releases and kicks out.
Andrews: Wow, that has to be an RWF record for most near falls in a ten second span.
Slam: These guys aren’t done yet.
Loco stalks Tigre waiting for his moment and when Tigre stands up, his back to Loco, Loco springboards into a crossbody, but Tigre sees it and answers with a dropkick that drops Loco to the corner of the mat.
Andrews: Great counter by Tigre!
Slowly, Tigre gets up and steps over Loco, signaling for the Dictator Drop, but Loco grabs him and turns him around landing three loud knife edged chops, accompanied by the WOO’s of the audience. Lifting Tigre to the top turnbuckle Loco climbs to the second rope, but is shoved back down to his feet, loco runs back but is met with a slap that jars him, quickly Tigre reaches out and grabs Loco’s head before jumping off and planting Loco with a Tornado DDT, both men lie in the center of the ring.
Andrews: Shades of Eddie Guerrero! But it looks like these men are both coming to the end of their endurance
Slam: This one is too evenly matched to call.
Atop the ramp Sara points and says something to Mikko in his ear. The ref makes it to 6 and both men stumble to their feet Loco turns and hits the ropes but finds Tigre waiting with a Japanese arm drag, Tigre keeps the arm in his control and rolls over into an armbar. Loco cries out before rolling over and pinning Tigre’s shoulders to the mat.
Slam: This is like the NBA Finals; no one can keep the momentum.
Andrews: I didn’t know you watched basketball.
Slam: Every sport in the world.
Tigre kicks out, stands up slowly and is met by a snapmare from Loco, who quickly kicks Tigre in the center of the back, Tigre’s back arches but he rolls to his feet to meet whatever attack Loco is preparing, only he is too slow and it hit with a Flying Burrito that sends him crashing back to the mat.
Andrews: Flying Burrito, Manny Fernandez would be proud!
Slam: That move always makes me hungry.
Loco kips up and seeing Tigre laid out, dances a solo tango. The camera cuts to Mikko and Sara again and Mikko shakes his head disapprovingly at Loco’s display of obvious disrespect. Tigre kicks out a leg, sweeping Loco from his feet, and rolls onto his feet, and running over springboards off the second rope into a moonsault landing perfectly on Loco Who rolls through and grabs Tigre’s tights.
Andrews: El Mondo Loco countered that Asai moonsault, but the ref doesn’t see he has the tights.
Slam: What are you talking about? And do you get off on rattling off the names for these moves?
Andrews: You have your quirks I have mine.
Loco quickly slides out of the ring and is hugged by the Lightbodies who celebrate outside! Tigre furiously screams at the ref pointing to his tights. Then paces and seeing the celebration runs and leaps over the top rope landing on Amy with a hurricanrana that sends her sprawling on top of El Mondo Loco.
Andrews: Senor Tigre has lost it!
Slam: He’s a prideful man, John, he takes losing badly.
With both Amy and Loco down Tigre walks slowly and threateningly at Alan Lightbody, who sprints towards the locker room, but finds himself trapped in between Mikko and Sara and the advancing Tigre. Alan pleads with Mikko to let him through, even pulling out his wallet, which Sara takes but neither Finn moves. Tigre smiles with malice as he approaches the cowering Lightbody, and is hit from behind by El Mondo Loco and Amy. Together they put the boots to him.
Andrews: A rare mistake by Senor Tigre! He didn’t expect El Mondo Loco or Amy to get up that quickly.
Mikko and Sara just watch, until Alan joins in kicking Tigre, then they jump in Mikko and Loco trading blows all the way back through to the backstage are and Sara riding Amy’s back chocking her with the crowbar, leaving Alan Lightbody alone with Senor Tigre whose mask is torn over the eye revealing blood and very angry eyes. He grabs Alan by the throat and the lights cut out, coming back on a second later with both men missing.
Slam: Looks like Fireproof has finally found himself in hot water.
Andrews: Let’s hope he can weasel his way out of this one.