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Welcome to South App #2: "Campus 5-0"

Welcome to South App #2:
https://preview.redd.it/yjkwcmvc22g51.jpg?width=2365&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=1aeb599b9653585277e9c705c7d6a935c1a144da
Sunday, August 9th, 2020
“Hall check! Wake yo' dumb asses up.”
Winston wiped the grit out of his eyes and checked his phone. 6 AM. He sucked last night’s Cheeto dust off his fingers and ripped a violent fart, causing Tai to spring up from his bed.
“What was that?!” Tai piped up. “And...what’s that smell?”
“Armadillos,” said Winston, lighting a cig. “Liberal town stinks of ‘em.”
Somebody pounded the hell out of the door. “Winston! Tai! I said hall check!”
“Fuuuck,” Winston slurred, hopping off the top bunk. He smacked his head on the way down, landed on his ankle, and dropped his cigarette.
“And that would be the new R.A.,” Tai sighed, shuffling to his feet. “Voice sounds kinda familiar. Welp, our shenanigans were fun while they lasted.”
They emerged into the bright hallway in pajamas. And to their surprise, every student stood next to their door at attention. Some were swearing. Others were sweating. And strangely, there was no R.A. in sight.
“What the hell’s going on here?” Winston muttered.
“Dude, get to attention before he comes back!” hissed Connor: a lanky, nerdy guy with a bowl cut and glasses.
“Is this some kind of joke?” asked Tai. “Somebody must be playing a prank on us or-"
Suddenly clothes, shoes, snacks, beer bottles, and a sex doll flew out of the room at the end of the hall. “Jackpot!” bellowed a voice from inside. “That’s a fuckin’ minor-in-possession charge right there!”
Then, it occurred to Winston: that voice was familiar. Suddenly, his taser mark burned like Spidey Sense. Winston jogged between rows of trembling students, ignoring the suffering cries of “Don’t do it!” and “He’s bigger than you!” In the doorway, Winston saw him: Lionell the bus driver. He sat with his back turned in a swivel chair, browsing his hallmate’s laptop. He appeared to be making himself right at home, his combat boots crossed on top of the desk.
“Looks like the simps in this room are fond of big-titty goth bitches!” he yelled out, scrolling through the browser history of 4K porn.
Winston took a deep breath. “Hey, uh...Mister Lionell?”
Lionell swiveled around to face him. His eyebrows furrowed like two lightning bolts beneath his freshly-waxed head. “Ah, Winston Panty-Pissin’ Beavers. Care to tell me why the fuck you ain’t in formation?”
Winston would rather swallow his own vomit than his pride. “Uh, yes sir. First of all, I wanna apologize for the way I acted on the bus. I was a bonafide douchebag. But I also wanted to ask: can I please get my gun back? My dad gave it to me, and-”
Lionell shot to his feet. He marched over to Winston like a true Marine. Slowly, he reached into his BDU pocket and withdrew the Colt Single-Action Army, cradling it in his calloused hands like Oliver Twist asking for porridge.
“Is, uh…this whatchu want, Mister Beavers?” Lionell mocked in a high-pitched voice.
“Yeah, man!” Winston chuckled nervously. “I’d mighty appreciate it.”
“Go on then!” Lionell snapped. “Take it. But if you do, I’m gonna charge yo’ ass with discharging a firearm near a public highway, destruction of private property, and attempted hijacking of a motor vehicle! And Lionell’s my government name. It’s Deputy Hardy to you.”
Lionell snatched Winston’s hand and placed the gun inside it. The warm muzzle fit his hand perfectly - exactly why his dad had chosen it for him. And it pained Winston that much more to hand the Colt back to Lionell. Winston had reluctantly made up his mind.
“That’s what I fucking thought,” Lionell sneered. “You’re a pussy, and daddy would be ashamed." Lionell pocketed the gun and marched out of the room, down the hall of petrified students. “Ya know, I’d say daddy shoulda left yo’ ass on a tissue. Then again, why waste a perfectly good tissue, ya dig?”
Lionell reached Room 309 and stepped inside.
“We gotta do something about this son of a bitch,” whispered Tai, as a seething Winston came to attention next to his room.
“Dude, there’s not shit we can do except comply,” whispered Connor, shaking his head. “Most of us have shit in our room way worse than alcohol." Connor pressed his finger against his nostril and pretended to snort cocaine. “Look, the way I see it: we just gotta let the R.A. do his thing. Let’s face it: we’re Lionell’s bitch.”
Holy fucking shit!” Lionell cheered. “I gots me some goodies in this room.” He walked out with a bag of Winston’s hand-cut tobacco, a jar of moonshine, and a few boxes of .45 ammo. But Winston’s anger paled in comparison to the sheer horror on Tai’s face. Under Lionell’s arm was a binder with big, bold letters reading HAWT BOOK. Tai’s eyeballs nearly popped out of his skull.
“He cannot...read...that book!” Tai whispered, gripping Winston’s shoulder.
“Sheesh, dude,” Winston said with a shrug. “Quit your bitchin’. He done took my Alabama moonshine. A few inbreds died making that batch.”
“Mine’s worse, roomie,” Tai’s voice cracked. “Much worse.”
***
Four floors up, Gigi opened her eyes to the sun in her face. She stared up at the ceiling, a visible heatwave cooking the room. One of these days, the paint would melt off the ceiling and coat her entire body while she slept.
Like Winston, Gigi was a member of the Top Bunk Club. And she too had rolled off the bunk and twisted her ankle more than once. On this day she sat up too quickly, feeling a rush of hard cider to the head. She felt herself tumbling down, down, down - landing squarely on the bean bag chair below.
The room spun above her head, her heart pounding in her throat. She slumped over, crawling across the soft, white shag carpet. Gripping the towel rack, she pulled her body up, bent over the sink, and threw up. She flopped onto the cold tile floor, smiling as the nausea left her body.
Somebody gently tapped on her door.
“Sarah?” Gigi called out, her voice hoarse and dry. “Um...can you grab me a Sprite?”
“Oooh, my-a Gigi!” called out an Asian lady. It was Kim Moon: Gigi’s mom. “How are you? Did you have much drink? I cannot wait hear everything!”
Gigi lay in a fetal position, covering her mouth. “M-mom?!”
“Yes, my-a Gigi!” replied Kim. “Please open door for hall check. I am your new R.A!”
Gigi projectile vomited on the shag rug.
Minutes later, Kim was on her knees scrubbing the rug while Gigi sat on the futon. Kim had raided Gigi’s cabinet for rubber gloves, bleach, and an old towel. She aggressively scrubbed the carpet until that one spot was much cleaner than the rest of it.
“Like I always tell-a you,” Kim said, looking up. “Cleanliness next to godliness." She smiled, displaying a row of pale yellow teeth. Her black, thinning hair draped down the back of her neck. She was even shorter than her daughter.
“Um...yep!” Gigi laughed nervously. She sipped a Sprite, pulling her knees to her chest. “So...what exactly is going on?”
“My-a Gigi,” Kim cooed, cradling her daughter’s face in her gloved hands. “My heart-a broke when you leave. I cry and cry, then I finally close up shop be with you!”
Back in suburban Atlanta, Kim ran a small farmer’s market out of a shed on her property. Gigi spent her adolescent and teenage years harvesting vegetables and selling them in exchange for a weekly allowance. Kim always swore that Gigi (or possibly her bratty little sister, Catherine) would someday inherit the house and family business.
“Why-a don’t we start our hall check? I bake-a cookies for all you ladies while we tell story of baby Gigi!”
***
Tai and Winston stood at attention, while Lionell paced the hallway with Tai’s HAWT BOOK in hand.
“I told y’all motherfuckers I done struck gold!” Lionell bellowed.
As Lionell approached, the students’ faces burned red. Lionell stopped in front of the room across the hall. “Now what’s...yo name?”
“C-C-Connor,” said the bowl-cut kid.
“Ah, mah’fuckin’ Connor! That right there’s a hwhite boy name." Lionell flipped through the binder. And while the other students stared in horror, Winston was the only one fighting to hold back a laugh.
“Ah, Connor in Room 308!” Lionell read from the binder. “Pros: tight ass; confirmed six-pack. Cons: probably not bi-curious; probably a top. Overall rating: 7/10.”
Winston exploded into laughter. “Damn, Connor, you’re tied with Fat Will!" William, the chunky neckbeard down the hall, gave a hesitant thumbs-up. In Tai’s binder, Will had also scored a 7/10 for having a size-13 shoe size and being a sloppy eater.
“I ain’t done yet, funny boy!” Lionell yelled in Winston’s face. “I done saved the best for last. The mah-fuckin’ creme-de-la-creme. Wiiinston Beavers!”
“Ha!” Winston interrupted, pointing at the 3/10 Leftward-Sloping-Penis-Rick down the hall. “That means you’re officially in last place, bitch!”
Earlier, Tai had been sweating bullets. But after having his deepest, darkest secrets broadcasted so theatrically, his expression was dull and lifeless.
Winston Beavers: my temporary college roommate,” Lionell read. “Cons: leaves his dirty boots on the carpet, doesn’t wash his sheets, doesn’t wash his scrotum, drinks milk from the carton, everything he touches turns into Cheeto dust, and the room smells like dead armadillos when he’s around.”
Winston stopped laughing.
Pros: good snacks,” Lionell sneered. “Final score: 0.5 out of 10.”
“This is horse shit!” Winston yelled, punching the wall. He stomped down the hall of cringing students. Tai trailed behind while the thunderous laughter of Deputy Hardy faded behind them.
“Wait, hold up!” Tai called out in the stairwell. “Just let me explain."
“Ain’t nothin’ to explain!” Winston shot back. “Apparently, I’m a temporary roommate. So I ain’t gonna show my armadillo ass around Firewater much longer.”
“Okay man, I admit it,” Tai said, throwing his hands up. “I’m not sorry for writing that, but I am sorry you had to hear it. Besides! It’s not like it’s something that can’t be fixed. I have a wide array of hygiene products that’ll help with at least a quarter of the things on that list!”
Winston scoffed like a wild hog. But his expression softened as he mulled it over. “You got any of that...sandalwood cologne?”
“Hell yes I do!” said Tai, perking up. “I’ve got creams, lotions, salves, colognes - you name it! Roomie, allow me to become your personal fabulous assistant! Why, I’ll have you looking spiffy for Miss Claire Dansby in no time.”
“Now you’re talking my language,” Winston said, shaking on it. “Deal.”
They entered the 700 Hall to the sound of giddy laughter. The ladies gathered around the petite Miss Kim, who sat in a stool in the middle of the hallway. Like Kindergarteners, they watched earnestly while the woman held a photo album.
“And dis one,” Kim squeaked, pointing at one of the photos, “is my-a Gigi during first birthday. She eat-a cake, and eat, and eat. She get very, very fat! And you no notice now, because she smaaall as Oompa Loompa now.”
The women howled with laughter while Gigi sat slumped against the wall, wishing she would melt into it.
“And how-a can we-a forget!” Kim gasped. “Dis one is my-a Gigi dressed-a like Neenja Turtle. She has-a Neenja Turtle jammies, Neenja Turtle bedsheets, and even-a Neenja Turtle potty!”
“Sorry Ma’am, we gotta go!” announced Winston, grabbing Gigi’s hand. “Sunday brunch is about to start.”
“Oh!” cried Kim. “Why, hello! Handsome gentlemen stay for my-a cookies?”
But the three freshmen were already out the door.
***
The Chubby Beaver Cafe rewarded Sunday brunch to hungover early birds on campus. A full spread of “Beaverific” entrees: bourbon maple chicken and waffles, crepes stuffed with fresh fruit puree, and virgin screwdrivers (i.e. BYOB). The main attraction: a giant hand-carved ice beaver statue.
But the distraught Winston, Gigi, and Tai were sickened by the thought of fine dining. Instead, they drowned their sorrow in a mile-high stack of bacon on a plate. While they silently munched on sadness and grease, Sarah swept by with a crepe and a screwdriver. She plopped down in the seat next to Winston.
“Helllo, lovelies!” she greeted. Unlike the other three pajama slobs, she wore a long, purple skirt and newly-braided dreadlocks. Sarah was rushing a week early, having spent the night stargazing with a co-ed hippie fraternity.
“What’s with the plate of animal carcasses, bro?” Sarah asked, sipping her drink. “Does a pig have to die for you to live?”
“Fuck it, I’m full,” growled Winston, pushing his plate across the table. Tai and Gigi turned away like dogs refusing to eat.
“Geez, who rained on your parade?” Sarah asked, cracking open a shot bottle of vodka and discretely pouring it into her orange juice.
Winston pointed at the entrance. “See for yourself.”
The freshmen watched a group of men and women stroll into the cafe, dressed in their Sunday-best attire of black tailored suits and dresses. And yet, in context, it seemed like they were marching to a funeral.
“Wait,” Sarah whispered. “That’s the-"
“Campus 5-0,” Winston finished. He stood on top of his chair. “Code red!”
Immediately, every student scrambled to hide their weed, mini liquor bottles, and pain pills. Several students pulled their hands out of their girlfriends’ panties. And the conversation shifted from scoring molly to scoring into the South App Honors Program.
“Wait, that’s the bus driver, right?” Sarah asked, pointing out the freshly-waxed bald head in the crowd. “God, tell me he’s not your R.A!”
“He is, oh God he is!” Tai moaned dramatically. He grabbed a handful of bacon, stuffed it into his mouth, and crawled under the table.
Lionell reached into his pocket and made his hand into the shape of a gun. He aimed it at Winston, shut his left eye, and "fired." Winston didn’t so much as move a muscle while Lionell blew on his hand, placed the “gun” in his pocket, and got in line for waffles.
“Um...I’ve got it worse - tenfold!” Gigi laughed nervously. On cue, Momma Moon approached their table wearing a long, black dress.
“O-a, my-a Gigi and friends!” Kim greeted, folding her hands in front of her waist. “When you-a leave, I unlock your-a door and do all your laundry!”
“What?!” Gigi choked. “You have a key to my room?”
“My dear-a, I need keep an eye on you as your R.A! I not go anywhere! I need make sure you safe and clean. All your thong-a, and even your granny panty.”
With that, Gigi grabbed a handful of bacon, stuffed it into her mouth, and slipped under the table to join Tai.
And now only the two siblings remained. Kim reached over and stroked Winston’s beard. “It’s-a been long time since my-a Gigi have strong American friend take-a care of her. You make sure she-a be good girl while she get teeth degree.”
“Uh, sure thing ma’am,” Winston replied while Kim gave him a boop on the nose with her finger.
“You-a fluffy man. You look handsome if you no fat.”
Sarah burst into laughter, downing the rest of her screwdriver. But Kim picked up Sarah’s empty glass, traced the rim, and placed a finger in her mouth. “Oooh, naughty, naughty. I think you put alcohol in there-a. That means-a I impose 7 PM curfew for week.”
“What?!” screamed Sarah. “You bitch!”
“Oooh, careful,” Kim cooed, picking up a slice of bacon and pointing at Lionell across the room. “If you no comply, I tell big cop man that you minor in possession." She spun around and walked off, nibbling on the bacon like a chipmunk.
Sarah snapped the glass at the stem. “Let’s sabotage these fuckin’ R.A.'s!”
Winston narrowed his eyes, watching as Lionell poured a cup of runny batter into the waffle iron. He rotated the handle to start the timer, and his carb cake began to cook.
“Now’s our chance,” Winston said, springing up from his chair. “Follow me, sis.”
“What about them?” Sarah asked, pointing under the table.
Winston grabbed the plate of bacon and lifted the tablecloth. Tai and Gigi immediately snatched it up like cave trolls, feasting in their underground lair.
“All that pork and they’re skinny as rails,” Winston muttered to Sarah.
“Ah, I see Momma Moon hit a nerve with you,” Sarah teased, rubbing his belly. “Are you out to impress her now? Or is it her daughter you seek?”
Winston scoffed as he and Sarah weaved through tables of hungover students. “Nah, just Claire,” he replied.
“Ah, I knew it!” Sarah laughed. “Your southern damsel in distress. So, you wanna know a secret that only a woman would know?”
“Hit me.”
“It’s gonna take a lot more than good looks to score with a woman like her.”
“Explain.”
“The solution...is that there is no solution. You have to be born into it. Sorry!”
At the waffle station, Lionell lifted the handle and grabbed his waffle, imprinted with the S.A.U. Beaver logo. And as he searched for the maple syrup, Winston dangled it in front of his face.
“Got a wager for ya, Deputy,” Winston proposed, dousing his waffle with syrup while Lionell furrowed his brow. “And the stakes are mighty high.”
“You got ten seconds,” Lionell snarled, “Before I stomp yo’ ass in front of your sister." Sarah took a sip of her fresh screwdriver, middle finger up.
“Whoa, easy tiger,” said Winston. He poured a scoop of batter into the waffle iron and slammed it shut. “I’ll put it like this: you look like you’ve eaten from a pig trough once or twice in your life.”
“You got some fuckin’ nerve.”
“Hey, I have too! Nothin’ to be ashamed of. Your colleague over there called me out on my weight too. You’re an American. I’m an American. So let’s do what we Americans do best: have a good old-fashioned eating contest.”
Lionell paused. He swiped a knob of butter with his knife and slathered his waffle. “Now what’s in it for me?”
“Simple. If you win, you get to give me a 7 PM curfew for a month." Sarah suddenly spat out her screwdriver, clutching Winston’s sleeve. “And if I win, you get the fuck out of my hall.”
A gleaming smile washed across Lionell’s face. Students began setting their phones down to eavesdrop. The waffle iron alarm went off. Lionell swiped the fluffy waffle and dropped it on a plate.
“Aight, Beavers. But I get to decide what we eatin’. Annnd march!”
Lionell snapped to attention, about-faced, and marched down the buffet line. Winston quickly slathered his waffle with syrup and butter, following behind. At the chicken station, Lionell grabbed the tongs and swiped a piece of growth-hormone fried chicken for both of them. Five slices of bacon to top it all off.
That’s it? Winston thought. This is just any given Tuesday for me.
But instead of heading back to a table, Lionell about-faced to the waffle station again. “I ain’t through with you by a damn sight,” Lionell warned. “I’m about to get diabetic on yo’ ass!”
Lionell and Winston cycled through the buffet line, layering the waffles, chicken, and bacon three more times. By now, Gigi and Tai had joined the crowd of gossiping students. When Sarah recapped the challenge, Gigi crossed her arms, containing a large belch in her throat.
“Wow, how can Winston eat all of that?” Gigi groaned. “Is he from this world?”
“You’d be surprised,” Sarah chuckled, shaking her head. “My brother is a bonafide carnivore. Hell, he used to have this YouTube channel. What was it...ah, Feng Shui of the Gut. He’d upload these crazy eating challenges once or twice a week. My parents couldn’t keep a full pantry. And let’s just say it got to the point where they made Winston buy his own toilet paper.
That mental image seared in Gigi’s mind as the two competitors sat down with their two-foot-tall stacks of grease. And since Winston’s gut would certainly be “feng shui’d” this afternoon, Tai thanked God that their dorm bathrooms were down the hall instead of in their room. All eyes were on them. Not to mention, several live video feeds. Winston and Lionell placed their paper napkins on their laps, gripping a knife and fork in their fists.
“One last finishing touch,” Lionell declared. “Waiter! Bring me some ranch.”
Magically, a student worker swept by with a ladle of ranch dressing. Lionell drowned their chicken and waffles with the stuff. The color drained from both Winston’s and Sarah’s face. Even she knew he was doomed.
When Winston was a wee lad in Trinity, he’d grown up pouring ranch dressing on his school pizza, corn nuggets, and hot dogs. But all of that had come to a halt in middle school. One day, he’d brought a cobb salad for lunch to impress the football cheerleaders. And after taking his first bite, he had pulled a long strand of gray hair out of his mouth. Courtesy of a lunch lady who had always refused to wear a hairnet. Needless to say, Winston had never touched ranch dressing ever since.
“Go, fat boy!” Lionell barked.
Winston shook the memory and dug in. He tried to saw the soggy waffle stack with a butter knife. Lionell simply grabbed a handful of food and stuffed it into his mouth. So Winston tossed his silverware aside and went to town. The syrup, ranch, butter, and chicken grease coagulated in his stomach. But he trucked through, sickened by the thought of a sunset curfew. And by now, there was a clear divide in the crowd: the faculty and staff backing Lionell and the students cheering for Winston.
“Gonna beat that bitch ass!” Lionell scoffed between bites.
Lionell was a food machine, shoveling down the first layer like he was born for it. Now Winston could eat his way out of trouble too. But the watered-down expired ranch stuck to the back of his throat. He switched his approach, fetching his napkin and wiping off each piece of bacon and chicken. He scarfed those down with ease. But the longer the waffles sat there, the more they puffed up in size as they soaked in the ranch.
“Fuck me,” Winston groaned, washing his food down with a glass of Mountain Dew. Meanwhile, Lionell looked like a mental patient, his cheeks and chin coated in grease and dressing. Winston looked down at the sweet, salty, gooey, gelatinous pile of batter. His stomach churned as he felt something rise from his stomach to his throat...
“Drink this, bro!” Sarah yelled, tilting Winston’s head back. She poured a steady stream of Pepto-Bismol into his mouth. And now, the flavor of stale bubblegum was added to the milky, tangy ranch. Time stood still. Winston suddenly imagined a tiny lunch lady sitting in that pink bottle. Holding a fishing pole. Casting a fishing line down Winston’s throat. A line made of her own hair.
Winston turned to his side and threw up on the floor.
It was over. Lionell stood to his feet, holding up a clean plate and dragging his tongue across it. Winston panted on hands and knees while Sarah and Tai lay hands on him. Gigi rushed back with a refill of Mountain Dew.
“On the bright side...I got the whole thing on video so we can still put it on your YouTube channel!” Gigi cheered.
“Wh-what? Who told you about that?” Winston looked up, feeling a second wave coming.
Before Gigi could answer, Kim came by with a mop and a bucket full of chemicals. “I clean, I clean! Remember, my daughter: cleanliness next to godliness!”
***
At 6:55 PM Sarah lay on her bunk reading an H.P. Lovecraft novel she borrowed from Evelyn. Gigi was organizing the massive pile of clean panties on the futon, courtesy of Kim. At the age of 18, she couldn’t bear the thought of her mom sorting through the different shapes, sizes, and colors. Once again, she wished lightning would just strike her dead where she stood…
Somebody knocked on the door.
“Oh, looks like curfew check,” Gigi said. “Good thing you’re already in the room!" Without looking up from the book, Sarah flipped her off. Gigi grabbed her comforter and draped it over Panty Mountain. But when she opened the door, it was Winston. He was holding a 6-foot metal pole.
“Howdy,” Winston said, slipping in and closing the door. “I heard you’re part of the Top Bunk Club, so I got ya a safety bar.”
“Oh, cool! That’s very thoughtful of you, Winston! I almost died this morning when I fell off.”
But Sarah saw right through his brother’s facade. “That’s obviously not why he’s not here,” she muttered, bookmarking her place and sitting up in bed. “He’s trying to avoid his curfew. Look, bro, can’t you just admit defeat every now and then? It sucks. But if I’m following the rules, then so can you.”
“Hey check this out, sis,” Winston proposed. He propped the safety bar against the wall and sat next to hidden Panty Mountain. “All I gots to do is hang out here for a little bit, and then we can all sneak out and go to trivia at that pizza joint downtown.”
Before they could consider it, there was a single, thunderous pound on the door. “Winston, I know yo’ ass is in there!” Lionell yelled.
“Shit,” Sarah hissed. “Quick, get in the closet!”
“Hey, I ain’t like my roommate, ya know." But Sarah grabbed Winston’s shoulders and shoved him in, closing the rasta sheet. Gigi took a breath and opened the door.
“Deputy!” Gigi greeted. “Quite the lovely post-curfew evening on campus. What say ye?”
But Lionell walked straight past her into the center of the room. He put his hands on his hips, admiring the clean and tidy living space. Sarah’s prog-rock band posters. Gigi’s bulletin board containing OCD-level to-do lists.
“Ya know, for such a cozy girls’ room,” Lionell pondered, “it sho’ smells like a boy came up in here and took a giant steamy shit.” He eyed the massive pile on the futon and grabbed a corner of the comforter. “There you are! So you think you can do whatever you want like you fucking own South App! Well, you’re fixin’ to have bruises on yo’ knees when I’m through with ya!”
Lionell flung away the comforter, revealing Gigi’s entire collection of panties. Her jaw hit the floor, and Sarah shot to her feet.
“Look, he’s not here!” Sarah asserted. “He’s back over at the cafe for wing night, stuffing his face as usual. Matter fact, he wants to meet ya there for a rematch, if you-”
But Lionell heard none of it. For the first time, the lines on his face softened, and his eyes nearly teared up at the beautiful sight. He picked up a pair of frilly, blue panties and held them in front of his face. Gigi stammered in absolute horror.
“G-get the fuck out of here, you f-fucking asshole!" Gigi spat.
Sarah lunged for the panties, but Lionell’s giant hand shoved her back onto the bed. He whipped out Winston’s revolver and pointed it square at Sarah’s forehead. “Now, now. This is between me and this little Asian piece of ass directly adjacent to me." Lionell casually gestured to Gigi with the gun before pointing it back to Sarah. “Now, Miss Gigi. Allow me to make a proposal.”
Winston watched everything unfold from behind the rasta sheet. With the closet being a few long strides away, he had no opening for a surprise attack. Especially against a Marine. He watched Lionell bring the panties up to his face and inhale deeply.
“You see,” Lionell casually explained to a mortified Gigi, tears welling up in her eyes. “I must admit, you have some mighty fine taste, as evidenced by the smorgasbord in front of me. But all I smell is detergent. Now say you...wore one of these for a few days, and then gave it back to me? Matta fact, how would you like to have your first year of tuition and books paid for? Why I’ll even sweeten the pot!" Lionell tightened the grip on his gun to remind Sarah not to try anything. “I’ll disappear from Firewater, and your two retarded boy-toys will neva have to see mah ass again. Thass right. Gigi Moon, yo’ entire tuition, fees, football tickets - everything paid in full. And you won’t eva have to work a day in a greasy dish pit or stocking shelves at Walmart. All’s you have to do is live with me in my apartment...and be my little yellow-bone slut."
Lionell reached into his tight pants and began touching himself. Winston crouched down behind the curtain. Lionell gritted his teeth, pressing the gun more firmly against Sarah’s forehead. Suddenly, Winston pushed off on his heel, emerging from behind the rasta sheet. As Lionell gasped, Winston speared him in the gut, tackling him to the ground. The gun flew out of Lionell’s hand, sliding under the futon.
“Fuck you, cunt!” Winston yelled, straddling Lionell and throwing punches at the face. Lionell struggled to free his hand, which was still stuck in his tight pants. But he caught one of Winston’s punches and rolled with him on the ground. Now Winston had a 300-pound man on top of him. Lionell struck him repeatedly with a ham-bone fist. All the while, he struggled to free his other hand from his pants.
“I take krav maga, bitch!” Sarah yelled as Gigi and Sarah took turns kicking Lionell in the ribs from either side. But Lionell shook them off like fleas, convulsing with anger in a steroid rage.
“Gigi...the gun,” Winston muttered through bleeding lips. Lionell flung Sarah against the wall, apparently knocking her out. Gigi nodded, dashing toward the futon, while Lionell finally freed his hand from his pants.
“Open yo’ mouth, motherfucka,” Lionell roared. He gripped Winston’s throat with one hand while raising that other smelly, sweaty hand to Winston’s mouth. “You gonna learn today,” Lionell whispered, jamming his entire fist, finger-by-finger, into his mouth. “You gonna taste what it means to be conquered by a motherfuckin’ BBC, you filthy little - *OOOF*!”
Lionell froze, his eyes shooting wide open. And slowly, he leaned to the side, capsizing like a ship. He fell unconscious. Through blurry eyes, Winston saw Gigi gripping the safety bar like a katana.
“Um...turns out that was a pretty thoughtful gift!” Gigi cheered.
***
An hour later, half of Firewater Hall congregated in the main lobby. They gossipped among themselves while a cop car drove off with former Deputy Lionell Hardy. The four freshmen sat on a sofa in the corner, sipping Starbucks.
“Holy shit,” Tai reacted after the others recapped the fight. “That asshole must have been roided up to be able to take all you guys on!”
“Tell me about it,” Winston groaned, pressing his Frappuccino up to his swollen cheek. “I don’t know if I’d be here if Gigi hadn’t gone Mark McGuire on his ass.”
Gigi sipped her Frappuccino as she tried to figure out whether that was the name of a Renaissance painter or NASCAR driver.
“Well, I would’ve saved the day with my deadly roundhouse kicks,” Sarah declared proudly, standing to her feet. “If only Gigi would have distracted him like I asked.”
Gigi took her shoe off and threw it at her. The four freshmen laughed. And interrupting the playful banter was a middle-aged blonde lady with a short bob haircut. She stood on top of a chair and cleared her throat.
“Excuse me, I need everyone’s attention, please. I’m Karen, Director of the Resident Assistants Program here on campus.”
“She totes looks like a Karen,” a sorority girl whispered. Another smart-ass in the crowd made a police siren noise with his mouth.
“Why, yes,” Karen continued. “Sometimes known colloquially as the, um...Campus 5-0. Now then! I see we have had quite the eventful evening in Firewater. And that is why I want to address the status of our…unmonitored 300 Hall." Winston and Tai suddenly perked their ears up. “Effective immediately, the 300 Hall will no longer be under direct R.A. supervision.”
Winston’s and Tai’s jaws dropped to their floor as they exchanged goofy-ass smiles.
Karen held her hand in the air to stop the commotion. “Yes, yes. I do want to advise you. That doesn’t mean that there will be no law and order on the 300 Hall. Underage drinking and weed are serious offenses that could have you expelled and put away in prison for the rest of your life. I assure you that the other R.A.’s are liable at any time to monitor the 300 Hall at their own discretion. Have a good night, and be safe.”
Most students began filing back up to their rooms. But an all-too-familiar face pranced up to Gigi and crossed her arms in front of her slim waist.
“Oh! My-a poor Gigi!” Kim cooed, wrapping her arms around her daughter and kissing her forehead. “I wish I still be here protect you from bad man. But it look like mah service no longer needed anymore.”
Gigi tilted her head to the side, staring at Kim’s cheerful expression. Then Gigi slowly panned over to Sarah, whose face tensed up, trying to hold back a laugh.
“What’s...what’s going on?” Gigi asked them.
“It worked!” Sarah snickered. “Oh, my God, it fucking worked!" Winston and Tai stopped discussing hallway Slip-and-Slide plans to listen in.
“I’m so confused?” Gigi laughed nervously.
“Oh, Gigi...you are almost as naive as you are kind!” Sarah said condescendingly. “Why, Kim was never your R.A. in the first place. Alas, t’was all a masterful plan concocted by yours truly. And Kim played the part beautifully, I might add.”
Sarah gave Kim a golf clap while Kim crossed her legs and gave a polite curtsy.
“But Mom! If you’re not my R.A….then who is?”
“I am,” interrupted Evelyn, the front desk security. She set down her book and walked over to them. She was looking a little less emo than usual with her curly jet-black hair. Yet, she still found it in her heart to don ripped jeans and grey painted nails. “Now don’t you worry, kid,” Evelyn said, putting her arm around Gigi’s shoulder. “If you’re gonna smoke and drink, just keep it out of plain sight. If I see it, then you have to share it. Capiche?"
Gigi slowly nodded her head, her throbbing head trying to process it all. “Oh, and one more thing,” Evelyn added. “No threesomes in the bathroom, please. We don’t have HAZMAT suits, ya know. Just keep that shit in the room, and we’ll be good." Evelyn gave Sarah a side-eye. “Unless it’s a female threesome, of course.”
***
Back in the girls’ room, Gigi’s laundry was put away, Winston’s blood was cleaned up, and the safety bar was secured on the top bunk. At her desk, she typed away at her Honors Program admissions essay. Sarah and Evelyn lounged on the futon, swearing at each other over an intense Mario Kart race. And as Gigi tried to form a thesis on why dental hygienists were more important than brain surgeons, her phone buzzed. A text from Winston.
Hey, can you come down here and bring me my gun? My hands are tied right now. It’s under the futon, right?
Gigi walked over to the futon and got down on hands and knees, blocking the gamers’ view of the TV. Sarah scoffed while Gigi crawled under the futon and reached as far back as she could, feeling around for the gun.
“Damn it, Gigi - you messed up my blue shell!” Sarah complained, flinging her controller across the room.
“Aww, don’t fuss at her,” Evelyn teased, staring down at Gigi’s smooth, toned legs that stuck out from beneath the futon. “She’s so fun-sized!”
Gigi crawled out and shot to her feet with the revolver in hand. “Careful what you say, roomie,” she said. “You were knocked out, so you didn’t bear witness to my epic sword skills! I don’t think you wanna provoke a ninja with a gun!”
“You’re holding it upside down,” Sarah sighed.
“Oh.”
Gigi stashed the revolver in her purse and headed down to the 300 Hall. She raised her hand to knock...then decided that, after today, the four of them were officially on a “no-knock” basis.
“Hi, boys!” Gigi cheered, opening the door. Winston sat in a chair in front of the mirror while Tai stood behind him, styling his hair to the side with pomade. Winston was dressed in a white collared shirt, a grey tie to match his dress pants, and snakeskin cowboy boots. “Wow, Winston,” Gigi mouthed in awe. “You look....um, different! Is that sandalwood?”
“Yeeep,” Tai answered, pulling out a razor and trimming Winston’s beard. “Our man no longer smells like a gym locker room. And I’m sure she will appreciate that.”
“Oh...and who might that be?” Gigi asked suspiciously.
“Miss Claire Dansby,” Winston answered, lighting a cigarette while Tai worked behind him. “I reckon we’ll be running into her tonight.”
“Oh, um...cool! Is she going to be on our trivia team? I mean, after today I think the four of us make a pretty good team, but another brain couldn’t hurt!”
Tai and Winston averted their eyes. An awkward silence while the razor buzzed.
“Yeah, Gigi,” Winston trailed off, taking a drag. “There’s been a change in plans. Claire is actually hosting karaoke at a bar downtown. It’ll just be me and Tai tonight. We’ll have to take a rain check on trivia. Sorry ’bout that.”
“I’m his wingman for Claire!” Tai interjected, wiping Winston’s face with a hot towel.
Gigi just stood there as Tai worked his magic, transforming this good ole country boy into a future country star. And as the scent of sandalwood flooded her nostrils again, she knew she had to leave the room. Not because she hated it, but because she was afraid to admit that she loved it.
“Well, in that case,” Gigi began, placing her hand on the doorknob. “I hope you find immediate gratification in crafting twangy southern anthems for a bonafide like-minded Alabama ten! I do regret to inform you that the proper authorities have confiscated your metal-projecting apparatus!”
Blank stares from Winston and Tai.
“I mean...have fun with your woman! And it looks like the police took your gun as evidence.”
Before Winston could respond, Gigi was already in the stairwell, heading back up to her room. Sarah and Evelyn were on their feet with controllers in hand, screaming at Mortal Kombat.
“Get over here, you fucking asshole!” Sarah yelled, mashing buttons.
“I don’t think I shall!” Evelyn retorted in a British accent. “Looks like you’re…frozen in fear!”
Gigi silently walked past them. She sat down at her computer and typed the first thing that came to her mind: My name is Gigi Moon, and I should be in the Honors Program because I have no fucking social skills whatsoever. But tonight, I proved that I can make up for it with my epic ninja skills!
Only 4,963 words to go, she thought.
But very little writing was done that night while Sarah and Evelyn mashed buttons and took turns screaming “Fatality!” at the top of their lungs. Finally, Gigi put her headphones on. She pulled up YouTube and searched for Feng Shui of the Gut. A hundred videos of Winston’s old ridiculous eating challenges.
One of the most popular videos caught Gigi’s eye: I [email protected]#KED UP! STRANDED ON THE TOILET. She clicked Play. Right away, there was a close-up of a younger and skinnier Winston, no older than 16. The camera was zoomed on his clean-shaven face. And yes, he was clearly sitting on the toilet.
Yee-haw, fellers!” greeted Young Winston, sweat dripping down his forehead. “Welcome back to Feng Shui of the Gut. Earlier today, I decided to scarf down a five-pound bag of Sugar-Free Haribo Gummy Bears! I’m sorry, did I say today?" Winston leaned forward until his face filled the entire frame. “I meant yesterday! I’ve been stuck on this (BLEEP)ing toilet for 24 (BLEEP)ing hours!
Maybe it was procrastination that kept Gigi glued to the screen. Maybe it was morbid curiosity. But while Sarah and Evelyn took turns ripping each others’ spines out and lighting each other on fire, Gigi binged through all 100 of Winston’s old videos. Most revealing were dozens of fast food reviews. In these videos, Winston would eat a burger in his truck while talking about politics, religion, and women. He even went on a 10-video spree chronicling his war against a yellow jacket colony at his mom’s place.
When Gigi’s head hit the pillow at 3 AM, she felt as if she knew Winston Arnold Beavers better than she knew herself. Most notably: chicken wings was his favorite food, curry would make him dig a hole if there wasn’t a toilet nearby, and he absolutely positively despised ranch dressing.
submitted by welcometosouthapp to welcometosouthapp

Subreddit Stats: walkingwarrobots top posts from 2020-08-31 to 2020-09-29 04:32 PDT

Period: 28.73 days
Submissions Comments
Total 998 13534
Rate (per day) 34.73 439.42
Unique Redditors 380 1016
Combined Score 25472 29270

Top Submitters' Top Submissions

  1. 1013 points, 25 submissions: _summoning_
    1. Best Chip (222 points, 32 comments)
    2. Chance increased from 0,02% to 0,04%. Hurry up. (127 points, 63 comments)
    3. First spin! (105 points, 45 comments)
    4. That was unexpected. (62 points, 13 comments)
    5. This is why I’m leaving the game. (46 points, 6 comments)
    6. Seriously? (45 points, 12 comments)
    7. One Hawk. One Glider. One Battle. (43 points, 12 comments)
    8. The elegant death of Hawk (39 points, 11 comments)
    9. Good luck on winning something useful. Microchip mess instead of powercells. (35 points, 31 comments)
    10. 7x damage boost from Glider is no joke 💥 (33 points, 9 comments)
  2. 980 points, 20 submissions: Playgamer3000
    1. Update on Arthur. Shields are finished. What do you think? (141 points, 24 comments)
    2. I did it! (124 points, 39 comments)
    3. Nightingales be like: (116 points, 8 comments)
    4. Do you guys like my LEGO Skydiver Nightingale? (103 points, 22 comments)
    5. My hangar update. Rogatka with Hydras (103 points, 6 comments)
    6. Why is the game so laggy? The loading takes sooooooo long (63 points, 22 comments)
    7. Overpixelated bot #2: Behemoth (58 points, 22 comments)
    8. Progress: hands (43 points, 4 comments)
    9. Arthur is done, guys! And he is friendly so he left the weapons at home. (42 points, 5 comments)
    10. This guy's hangar ... (30 points, 10 comments)
  3. 779 points, 38 submissions: FenchBadScienceGood
    1. Oh my god (129 points, 105 comments)
    2. My first beyond godlike!! (85 points, 16 comments)
    3. I've been waiting for you (won it from a giveaway) (64 points, 17 comments)
    4. Looking good 👍 (47 points, 11 comments)
    5. Already 1 player left? (44 points, 10 comments)
    6. Finally reached level 30 in the workshop (39 points, 14 comments)
    7. Wow I didn't expect that!! (27 points, 18 comments)
    8. Ah yes... my Deathwing AoRavanaHawkStellarPhantomGale (25 points, 16 comments)
    9. Are any of these good? (20 points, 47 comments)
    10. Slowly but surely inching closer to blitz and scorpion (19 points, 19 comments)
  4. 723 points, 15 submissions: unnamedDE
    1. Who else thinks pixonic should add titan skins? How does my dark ao ming look? (191 points, 51 comments)
    2. Carbon Nodens (139 points, 17 comments)
    3. Colonel Kid (111 points, 18 comments)
    4. Medic Nodens (94 points, 16 comments)
    5. Just won this from the free keys (51 points, 31 comments)
    6. New active module (25 points, 16 comments)
    7. Goot adamant road hog T4 on my phantom on first try (23 points, 7 comments)
    8. Whats this? Not even a single A-Slot? (22 points, 12 comments)
    9. My old hangar vs my new one (18 points, 8 comments)
    10. Is this pilot image new or does I have never noticed it? (10 points, 17 comments)
  5. 645 points, 26 submissions: JFSoul
    1. Goodbye My Friend--Walleye is "Retiring" (117 points, 43 comments)
    2. META Report (31 August 2020) (69 points, 42 comments)
    3. This weekend: TITAN UPGRADES FOR 10% LESS PLATINUM! (51 points, 28 comments)
    4. Weapon Tiers for Hawk (49 points, 26 comments)
    5. A Thank You to my Fellow Pilots--and a Gentle Reminder (39 points, 36 comments)
    6. Extra Keys, Event Coins, Gold and Premium days as a token of gratitude from Pix (36 points, 26 comments)
    7. Drones! Submit your in-game ID within 24 hours to get a chance to win one of 50 Nebula or 50 Glider drones (27 points, 59 comments)
    8. Please Welcome our Newest Moderator to walkingwarrobots--Antiquepierack (23 points, 12 comments)
    9. Top 10 Voted META Bots--Beach Rush (31 August 2020) (21 points, 16 comments)
    10. 6.3.1 hotfix arrives to iOS (18 points, 13 comments)
  6. 551 points, 17 submissions: pyrotech442
    1. This deserves more attention (3D printed hand-painted Ravana by Metal_DawG) (148 points, 28 comments)
    2. Just got this weird-looking airplane (64 points, 12 comments)
    3. Victims of nerfed equipment should be compensated with gold (60 points, 32 comments)
    4. Gold reward system should be honor-based (50 points, 13 comments)
    5. So close to 1M subs! (35 points, 10 comments)
    6. Jeez Pixonic. Might as well call this the "bug update" (34 points, 22 comments)
    7. There should be a titan to compliment Fujin and Raijin (31 points, 20 comments)
    8. Platinum should be added to the Black Market. (24 points, 2 comments)
    9. Is Hawk's laser damage affected when a weapon blows off? (21 points, 6 comments)
    10. Heads up for all of you, Nightingale and the Atomizers will likely get nerfed (20 points, 25 comments)
  7. 390 points, 3 submissions: AtomBubble
    1. RecoloRefined model of my Lego Nodens. Instructions available! (190 points, 27 comments)
    2. New Titan Panda! an experiment turned into... this. (155 points, 71 comments)
    3. Was scrolling through the shop and saw that they reduced the cost of bolt to 500 gold. Seems like it’s worth it now. (45 points, 20 comments)
  8. 380 points, 17 submissions: NotVeryTastyCake
    1. Pure satisfaction after successful match (117 points, 4 comments)
    2. At least one good AD (71 points, 19 comments)
    3. 9 kills with a Strider! And one with Nodens (31 points, 16 comments)
    4. A month of trying to get the Clive Vicious in 8 pictures (still hasn't got it) how much time will it take? Anybody knows? (18 points, 27 comments)
    5. Cerberus 2.0. how the heck is that fair, also,never seen player actually use drones for this,i only saw drones healing bots.Why i feel that i am the only one in this match knowing how to use them? (17 points, 23 comments)
    6. New feature in 6.3.1? =) (14 points, 2 comments)
    7. Resting on his weapons (14 points, 3 comments)
    8. Yup, everything is here,but textures are stil old lol (14 points, 7 comments)
    9. Attacked by 2 Fujins... They are too powerful for me (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ (13 points, 12 comments)
    10. Even Pixonic sometimes does an oopsie (12 points, 4 comments)
  9. 375 points, 9 submissions: Phos_gene
    1. A Clanmate Recently won this after the reward keys that pixonic gave. (150 points, 68 comments)
    2. The Storm is Coming. (91 points, 31 comments)
    3. Finally Something good out of the event 😅 (42 points, 15 comments)
    4. Hotfix 6.3.1 : Shifted lag from the Menu to the game. (26 points, 16 comments)
    5. Kind of Scary. (18 points, 19 comments)
    6. The Patience of a Sage 2.0 (Won a QS from the Event, Still waiting for the Platinum Overdrive to Upgrade Everything) (17 points, 32 comments)
    7. Do you guys think, WR would be better without all the Gacha going on? (13 points, 17 comments)
    8. What i got with my Patience (Details in comments) (10 points, 7 comments)
    9. New Bug. Same Person Appearing twice, unkillable. (8 points, 6 comments)
  10. 336 points, 2 submissions: DELTA_344
    1. Paper Rupture (175 points, 18 comments)
    2. Tsar (161 points, 29 comments)
  11. 321 points, 15 submissions: manuuuu2_0
    1. This looks so menacing... (80 points, 15 comments)
    2. Cerberus with 3 module slot heck yeah(remastered test server) (42 points, 11 comments)
    3. For those that dont want a ravana nerf... this picture says it all, this was a clan battle btw (41 points, 24 comments)
    4. This pilot for scorpion is a mistake... few seconds of stealth after ability activation so you cant even hit back :/ (28 points, 25 comments)
    5. Cute mender o.o (27 points, 4 comments)
    6. New arthur paintjob, titans definately need customization, the pale red of Arthur and kid paintjob is really boring (16 points, 7 comments)
    7. Remastered test server is on google play now !!! (15 points, 6 comments)
    8. One of the best designs in the game... (11 points, 14 comments)
    9. So now that a lot of people has won techno and regular scorpion the battlefield could be only nightingales, blitz, scorpion and hawk now (11 points, 9 comments)
    10. Wr remastered running at 120 fps.... gorgeous (11 points, 10 comments)
  12. 318 points, 6 submissions: HORRORCRANKY
    1. Unlimited sequential firing with blaze and igniter (118 points, 36 comments)
    2. The sequel nobody wanted. Unlimited sequential firing with shredders (114 points, 17 comments)
    3. Nice! My first gold chest in this season (36 points, 13 comments)
    4. My hangar from September 2017 vs September 2020 (32 points, 19 comments)
    5. Finally, a full scorpion build (11 points, 3 comments)
    6. Can I have some suggestions on my hangar? I mainly play domination (7 points, 4 comments)
  13. 317 points, 4 submissions: MaRkOuiLles
    1. jump module can be pretty useful (158 points, 37 comments)
    2. This is just stupid, a pilot that cancel the aegis shield and the first skill that i receive deals with an aegis shield. (80 points, 39 comments)
    3. That skin and those weapons ! bellisimo (67 points, 16 comments)
    4. are the avalanche any good at higher lvl? cause now they suck despite the buff. (12 points, 16 comments)
  14. 290 points, 11 submissions: HotdogLord13
    1. Ohhhh yeah!!! (78 points, 11 comments)
    2. Yay!!! Finally made it as an F2P (48 points, 17 comments)
    3. First 5k gold, now this!!!! (38 points, 14 comments)
    4. Sad Fenrir contemplating suicide (30 points, 5 comments)
    5. What is the point of having 7 drone slots if you only have 5 robots? (21 points, 28 comments)
    6. First match of the day was awesome... (20 points, 4 comments)
    7. Yay, I think (14 points, 5 comments)
    8. WOW fighting this in masters league was so fun. (13 points, 15 comments)
    9. Ok what is my damn luck omg no luck for next 10 years. Anyways what should i switch this out with? (12 points, 18 comments)
    10. Ayyy Nucleon Quarker Hades, here we come! (11 points, 7 comments)
  15. 287 points, 11 submissions: Shutze_owner
    1. Hey I got a Hawk (90 points, 23 comments)
    2. I was super Happy (45 points, 8 comments)
    3. Has anybody else noticed you can now see your kills with the bot you are using (36 points, 26 comments)
    4. It was fun taking this guy out for a spin again (27 points, 7 comments)
    5. Not even my 4th crate, it was my 6th (21 points, 3 comments)
    6. New Pilot Ideas (14 points, 10 comments)
    7. Not expecting this, have wanted it for so long and it is so good. Got these stats by playing the entire game with this bot (14 points, 4 comments)
    8. Non-official meta report (JF, let me know if you want this to become official) (12 points, 27 comments)
    9. Hoping for anything gold but the glacier (10 points, 12 comments)
    10. Is it just me or is she bad (10 points, 10 comments)
  16. 287 points, 10 submissions: buetterfly
    1. Shutze defeats Scorpion in FFA (116 points, 25 comments)
    2. What's the best setup for this bot? (90 points, 41 comments)
    3. Activating Jump module should cost 15 PC (22 points, 21 comments)
    4. "Dream team" (skirmish) (11 points, 4 comments)
    5. Upgrading built in weapons (10 points, 2 comments)
    6. All good, by why me? (8 points, 1 comment)
    7. Quarkers overpowered (8 points, 17 comments)
    8. Should I upgrade kid further or buy Arthur? (8 points, 11 comments)
    9. Buff (7 points, 4 comments)
    10. Drones use more power cells that it seems? (7 points, 4 comments)
  17. 282 points, 7 submissions: zonk_vii
    1. Uh, I drew a Cryo. Guess who is back in busyness. 😁 Little Cossack with a pet dragon on its shoulder. (104 points, 7 comments)
    2. Just a little David vs Goliath to brighten your day (77 points, 29 comments)
    3. My little Bolt got its first Beyond Godlike. I am so proud, I took it out for Ice Cream immediately. 😁 (47 points, 8 comments)
    4. Switching Zenit for Thunder is a step in the right direction, now you just need to decrease your attacking distance from 500 to 50 Meters. 🙄 (27 points, 5 comments)
    5. How to Nightingale (11 points, 14 comments)
    6. Day 11 progression. I do not build more bots, because I keep my games short and crisp which in turn gives me more adds. The moment my Phantom finishes and the Titan activates the damage will go up anyway. Silver income averages at about 200-300k per 10 minutes. (9 points, 12 comments)
    7. So what happens if a moderatly skilled player starts a new account and rushes the Phantom? (7 points, 7 comments)
  18. 277 points, 12 submissions: shivaswrath
    1. When everyone in your clan is getting drones, Hawks, and Scorps...😥🤔 (81 points, 36 comments)
    2. Who knew meta Chasing meant my Tyr and Falcon are relevant again?? (64 points, 22 comments)
    3. IOS 14 update out I guess? (22 points, 10 comments)
    4. Kinda good looking bot...I wish I could do matching weapons 🤣🤫 (21 points, 34 comments)
    5. When do we think Fancy Drones will be in workshop? Or will fancy ones only ever be event prize driven? (18 points, 10 comments)
    6. If 4th box is true...then this third one is.... (16 points, 15 comments)
    7. Don't buy the Good Guy!! (15 points, 11 comments)
    8. Piconic and Apple Event (15 points, 18 comments)
    9. The Arm Chip deceit-how to get it and why it's a Gold Grabbing lie. (8 points, 11 comments)
    10. How to spend 4500++ platinum! War Robots Arthur upgrade weekend #warrobots #titan #WR (6 points, 7 comments)
  19. 256 points, 9 submissions: redsteal1
    1. More Drone Info , in fact all the Chips !! (123 points, 67 comments)
    2. The graph of Hawk damage that goes with the other post (32 points, 10 comments)
    3. Redsteal’s State of the Nation 2020 Part 3 , The end is in site (22 points, 22 comments)
    4. Are you growing old waiting for the Hangar screen to change from one screen to another, do you need to visit the hairdresser between removing a weapon or module and replacing it with another. If so this post is for you ......... .. (20 points, 21 comments)
    5. Redsteal’s State of the Nation 2020 Part 4 , Almost done :) (14 points, 10 comments)
    6. Redsteal’s State of the Nation 2020 Part 5 .... THE END (13 points, 17 comments)
    7. Who is this Hero , I want to meet him and shake him by the hand (13 points, 3 comments)
    8. Redsteal’s State of the Nation 2020 (Click bate read on to find out more, number 6 will amaze you.) The long annual review Part 1 (10 points, 0 comments)
    9. Redsteal’s State of the Nation 2020 Part 2 the story continues (9 points, 12 comments)
  20. 250 points, 12 submissions: Zojmyvinx
    1. Laughs in ravana (81 points, 19 comments)
    2. Yay (53 points, 8 comments)
    3. Pixonic should put more gold-based deals in offers. (23 points, 5 comments)
    4. The classic standoff (15 points, 5 comments)
    5. We have all been complaining in recent events about how many power cells we are getting but now since there is a crate with no power cells, the ppl who open it are at a power cell deficit. (14 points, 1 comment)
    6. I guess I’ll take it, no robot to equip it on tho (13 points, 7 comments)
    7. This is not going to end well (11 points, 2 comments)
    8. For Loki (10 points, 21 comments)
    9. MORE PEOPLE ON warrobotsmemes (8 points, 4 comments)
    10. Yessssssss (8 points, 7 comments)
  21. 248 points, 10 submissions: QuirkyTitle1
    1. Behold the mighty jaeger (115 points, 22 comments)
    2. Good? (38 points, 11 comments)
    3. Feels good to beat an entire squad.Had a nodens on my team and top three were carrying so hard. (28 points, 14 comments)
    4. Titan info for those who have not seen this on their facebook page. (18 points, 29 comments)
    5. First living legends in a real match. (11 points, 2 comments)
    6. If people say a robot is boring then just add jump module (10 points, 13 comments)
    7. No words needed.Period. (9 points, 15 comments)
    8. Pictures that don’t make sense(feel free to ask questions). (7 points, 13 comments)
    9. Interesting poll day 2-what resource would you have unlimited of? (6 points, 29 comments)
    10. Oh wow I got a futuristic nucleon from the free 300 tokens I got.i got 1000 gold from the 1000 keys.does anybody feel like today was lucky?cause i kept on seeing a lot of people on this subreddit getting good stuff.I got glacier a couple days ago.Also does the nucleon look fat to the original one? (6 points, 5 comments)
  22. 245 points, 16 submissions: _Mausername_
    1. Phase 2, upcoming items for blank spaces? (36 points, 54 comments)
    2. Curiosity got the best of me (30 points, 32 comments)
    3. The moment was seized! I pushed Bob over the edge. 😆 (29 points, 10 comments)
    4. Well, dang (29 points, 10 comments)
    5. How's everyone feeling about the Hp bar change? (23 points, 30 comments)
    6. Surely I'm not the only one? (16 points, 11 comments)
    7. Curiosity got the best of me....again. (10 points, 1 comment)
    8. Deft Survivor Upgrade? (10 points, 10 comments)
    9. My poor Leech. Go out fighting...the clouds. (10 points, 22 comments)
    10. Fourth spin gave me the toilet. 😣 (9 points, 13 comments)
  23. 235 points, 3 submissions: dyno_1
    1. there.. i fixed the game, now it's more balanced. (219 points, 35 comments)
    2. in today video we will be giving out 5 gliders to 5 lucky winners, also we give a brief explaination of what the glider are used for then we open a super chest. and finally we have a fun gameplay, hope you enjoy. (10 points, 3 comments)
    3. in this video we will check out cool 3D models of some robots & weapons, we will examine them real close and see all the hidden details so make sure to drop by. (6 points, 0 comments)
  24. 225 points, 10 submissions: JustHulio
    1. Oh dear. What did they do to you? (90 points, 20 comments)
    2. FLOATING RAIJIN HEAD (34 points, 9 comments)
    3. Was looking for a Jaeger. But this will do (25 points, 11 comments)
    4. Let's see how far I can survive lol (16 points, 2 comments)
    5. Got myself a Hades. Where should I go from this bot? (13 points, 5 comments)
    6. 2 million damage, 6 kills, and 5 beacons?! All from this Hangar I used XD (11 points, 8 comments)
    7. Got a Overdrive module recently. Any places to put on it? (11 points, 13 comments)
    8. I never realize how good/effective Ancilot really is. You can literally saved your teammates from Hydras and Vortex. And this bot gave me so many honor points (10 points, 9 comments)
    9. Veteran Player here. Just need a simple answer for a simple question. Does Nuclear Reactor 4% damage increase really affect at all? (8 points, 14 comments)
    10. Is the current metagame Balanced? (7 points, 27 comments)
  25. 221 points, 9 submissions: buckee8
    1. Which Scorpion looks like a LIMITED EDITION? (91 points, 42 comments)
    2. HOVER needs a big buff. Forgot how much fun Hover is but not sure if it can last in Champions even with Atomizers and Quarker. (40 points, 36 comments)
    3. 300 COIN CHEST opened and once again, for a split second, I thought I won HAWK but it’s 500 components. 😔 (30 points, 6 comments)
    4. 300 COIN CHEST 3X FAIL, GOLD CHEST WIN. (18 points, 4 comments)
    5. 100 COIN CHEST reward Techno Scorpion! Nice, but I didn’t level up regular Scorpion yet. (13 points, 7 comments)
    6. OPERATION Level 50, final level with 2 days left. Last chance to unlock Operation Pass. Do it? (9 points, 14 comments)
    7. Gold Chest’s Holy Grails, 5 modules, did anyone win one yet from Gold chest? (7 points, 19 comments)
    8. Which MODULE is the most valuable? (7 points, 25 comments)
    9. 300 COIN CHEST failure again, 500 Nucleon components. With 2.5 days remaining I might get 2 more chances at HAWK but I am highly doubtful! (6 points, 6 comments)
  26. 217 points, 1 submission: hadrosaur-harley
    1. I'm on the verge of quitting (217 points, 137 comments)
  27. 211 points, 3 submissions: Osiru_s
    1. A LEGO Hades for all the Hades enthusiasts out there... (186 points, 31 comments)
    2. The update just came to steam today, and I know this has already been mentioned,... But what is with the tiny healthbar, it’s literally the most important part of the interface yet I can’t see the difference between 100% health and 100 health. (13 points, 14 comments)
    3. Didn’t know it worked on PC (12 points, 1 comment)
  28. 209 points, 11 submissions: tyrongates
    1. Making jojo style stats for every robot day 1: Cossack (54 points, 21 comments)
    2. Jojo stats for TITANS! part 15 Kid and Arthur (44 points, 8 comments)
    3. Jojo stats for war robots part 11: Ao Jun (24 points, 6 comments)
    4. Posting a second bot with jojo stats because damn there’s a lot more than I remember: Day 1 part 2 (15 points, 15 comments)
    5. Jojo war robots part 12: Hades and Nemesis. Please keep in mind that these stats are my opinion and I’m particularly biased towards Hades as it’s my favorite bot. (14 points, 4 comments)
    6. Jojo stats for War Robots part 16: Ao Ming and Nodens. Holy crap nodens is BUSTED (13 points, 11 comments)
    7. Jojo war robots part 10: Rayker and Hellburner. Since I’m not going in order anymore I’m open to suggestions. (11 points, 3 comments)
    8. Jojo stats for War Robots part 14: Scorpion and Hawk (10 points, 0 comments)
    9. Jojo stats for War Robots bots day 2: Gepard and GI Patton (9 points, 4 comments)
    10. Jojo war robots day 4: Jesse and Bolt (8 points, 5 comments)
  29. 206 points, 14 submissions: Chthroop
    1. Cost of a “max drone” (23 points, 13 comments)
    2. Repost of update on Upcoming Nerf and Buffs (22 points, 30 comments)
    3. All: those of you who think Drones aren’t any big deal or won’t impact the game are sadly mistaken - i built 3 max drones today and they are insanely powerful (21 points, 25 comments)
    4. Important mistake identified for Mender in release notes (21 points, 13 comments)
    5. Alert: Wasp Reload time moves to 12 seconds. Undisclosed “nerf” to go along with the big buff (20 points, 24 comments)
    6. Drone Q and A thread (17 points, 27 comments)
    7. Did you know? The real Impacts of release 6.3 to Scourge, Calamity and Spark (12 points, 38 comments)
    8. Drone Power Cell Costs (12 points, 8 comments)
    9. Impacts of 6.3 changes on Bots (11 points, 14 comments)
    10. New Titan Module: Cannibal Reactor. Increases damage, but only vs Other Titans. Starts at 11% and maxes at 40% (vs Thermonuclear module which maxes at 27% (11 points, 32 comments)
  30. 190 points, 3 submissions: Je_On
    1. 1. Birds of Prey..... . - featuring Hawks (88 points, 4 comments)
    2. Titan Arthur (65 points, 25 comments)
    3. WINNER of Mission Rogers Android Tournament sponsored by Pixonic, 🏆🎉 is ODIN by defeating RU 2-0 in Final🔥 They been Amazing throughout the tournament 🔥 (37 points, 0 comments)

Top Commenters

  1. FenchBadScienceGood (1428 points, 626 comments)
  2. 3lectrified (1199 points, 477 comments)
  3. pyrotech442 (994 points, 360 comments)
  4. JFSoul (691 points, 217 comments)
  5. _Mausername_ (636 points, 298 comments)
  6. manuuuu2_0 (614 points, 313 comments)
  7. Chthroop (582 points, 246 comments)
  8. Hellogillyface (497 points, 333 comments)
  9. prooggroo (474 points, 243 comments)
  10. QuirkyTitle1 (457 points, 332 comments)
  11. Phos_gene (454 points, 191 comments)
  12. Wolfram_Blitz (448 points, 160 comments)
  13. buckee8 (436 points, 241 comments)
  14. Quirkyserenefrenzy (404 points, 174 comments)
  15. shivaswrath (348 points, 201 comments)
  16. AtomBubble (338 points, 141 comments)
  17. boredboi69WR (275 points, 123 comments)
  18. Terminator_WR (237 points, 102 comments)
  19. arielbelkin (233 points, 82 comments)
  20. HotdogLord13 (214 points, 104 comments)
  21. tempurpedic_titties (200 points, 109 comments)
  22. redsteal1 (193 points, 102 comments)
  23. UsedKoala4 (192 points, 102 comments)
  24. Zosaru (188 points, 94 comments)
  25. buetterfly (186 points, 62 comments)
  26. viccuvi1 (182 points, 84 comments)
  27. FreezyKnight (182 points, 82 comments)
  28. antiquepierack (173 points, 81 comments)
  29. Quirky-Wall (172 points, 65 comments)
  30. freda-slayvs (169 points, 89 comments)
  31. pegboot (167 points, 92 comments)
  32. MaxClington99 (166 points, 68 comments)
  33. USERNAM3_N0T_F0UND (162 points, 95 comments)
  34. zonk_vii (162 points, 92 comments)
  35. MentalMaddness (153 points, 75 comments)
  36. jeb_hoge (152 points, 48 comments)
  37. _summoning_ (145 points, 73 comments)
  38. shockwavewr (143 points, 37 comments)
  39. Desc440 (143 points, 36 comments)
  40. unnamedDE (131 points, 74 comments)
  41. SantiagoGaming (130 points, 48 comments)
  42. Kraig3000 (129 points, 47 comments)
  43. NotVeryTastyCake (121 points, 78 comments)
  44. WunHunDread (116 points, 45 comments)
  45. Asstaroth (115 points, 70 comments)
  46. terna999 (112 points, 50 comments)
  47. commandersnow7 (112 points, 40 comments)
  48. sminima (112 points, 38 comments)
  49. PutnamPete (111 points, 22 comments)
  50. CurryPuff22 (110 points, 77 comments)

Top Submissions

  1. Best Chip by _summoning_ (222 points, 32 comments)
  2. there.. i fixed the game, now it's more balanced. by dyno_1 (219 points, 35 comments)
  3. I'm on the verge of quitting by hadrosaur-harley (217 points, 137 comments)
  4. Who else thinks pixonic should add titan skins? How does my dark ao ming look? by unnamedDE (191 points, 51 comments)
  5. RecoloRefined model of my Lego Nodens. Instructions available! by AtomBubble (190 points, 27 comments)
  6. A LEGO Hades for all the Hades enthusiasts out there... by Osiru_s (186 points, 31 comments)
  7. Best thing I’ve won so far. Thanks Pix!!! by nostradumbassss (184 points, 63 comments)
  8. Paper Rupture by DELTA_344 (175 points, 18 comments)
  9. Tsar by DELTA_344 (161 points, 29 comments)
  10. jump module can be pretty useful by MaRkOuiLles (158 points, 37 comments)

Top Comments

  1. 66 points: shockwavewr's comment in I'm on the verge of quitting
  2. 49 points: ZU85's comment in there.. i fixed the game, now it's more balanced.
  3. 39 points: Chthroop's comment in I'm on the verge of quitting
  4. 38 points: Desc440's comment in Goodbye My Friend--Walleye is "Retiring"
  5. 38 points: PutnamPete's comment in Oh my god
  6. 37 points: FenchBadScienceGood's comment in What's the best setup for this bot?
  7. 32 points: FenchBadScienceGood's comment in Best thing I’ve won so far. Thanks Pix!!!
  8. 32 points: thesiouxchief's comment in More Drone Info , in fact all the Chips !!
  9. 31 points: LemonDiablo's comment in New Titan Panda! an experiment turned into... this.
  10. 30 points: cmmndrjam's comment in Oh my god
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