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Could Physical Reality really be a Dream?

Could Physical Reality really be a Dream?

Are you having a dream that lasts a lifetime? Can reality be universal dream of a cosmic mind? What if the answer is yes?
If this reality was some type of dream, then there should be some evidence which shows a relationship between the dream world and the waking world. The first red-flag that comes to mind is directly connected to something known as "Precognitive Dreaming". The idea of precognition spans the written record and Aristotle in 350B.C.E wrote a paper entitled, "On Prophesying by Dreams" http://classics.mit.edu/Aristotle/prophesying.html where he debated the notion that people in his time were describing having these types of dreams.
Edit: Here is an excellent paper written by Timothy Conway that details historical accounts where people through-out the ages have come to this realization: "This is all a Dream [PDF]"
Deja Vu which is a very common type experience which most people have, is a feeling that comes with a type of deja vu aura where new settings, events and circumstances bring a strong sense of familiarity as if you had been there before. What is not so widely known about the deja phenomena is many people link the source of memory which brings about the familiarity to something they dreamed about in the past. For a comprehensive list of precognitive dream types and examples and evidence I recommend reading my paper, "Theory of Precognitive Dreams" which is open source and freely available on-line. Read: Theory of Precognitive Dreams [PDF]
Frequency studies as mentioned in that paper predict statistically that you could already be one of those types of people who already have first-person experiences with dreams that come true. If science can finally answer this age old phenomena of precognitive dreams; then we will see the first use-case where dreams and reality have a relationship which will help reveal this covert relationship between dreams and this reality.
The next red-flag comes from experiments in quantum mechanics which show that our reality is not exactly as physical as we believe it to be. When physicists first discovered particle/wave duality, this caused quite a stir in the physics community. What this means is sub-atomic particles could behave like a wave, or like a particle based on certain conditions.
When an electron is not being measured or observed it creates an interference pattern which is like a ripple in water that creates the wave pattern or interference pattern. When observed it behaves as physical particles.

"Quantum Theory Demonstrated: Observation Affects Reality"

"In a study reported in the February 26 issue of Nature (Vol. 391, pp. 871-874), researchers at the Weizmann Institute of Science have now conducted a highly controlled experiment demonstrating how a beam of electrons is affected by the act of being observed. The experiment revealed that the greater the amount of "watching," the greater the observer's influence on what actually takes place." Read More: http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/1998/02/980227055013.htm
If you thought it was just the sub-atomic particle that behaved this way, an entire molecule of Carbon atoms which form the Carbon-60 molecule known as a buckyball also shows interference patterns.

"Wave-particle duality seen in carbon-60 molecules"

"The Vienna team sent a collimated beam of carbon-60 molecules through a slit made of silicon nitride and detected the interference pattern by ionizing the molecules with a laser and then counting the ions."
Read More: http://physicsworld.com/cws/article/news/1999/oct/15/wave-particle-duality-seen-in-carbon-60-molecules
What determines when a particle or atom should be have as a wave-form or a solid state is one of the mind-boggling questions for Physics. One of the answers to this new problem comes from Physicist Tom Campbell who worked for Nasa and the Department of Defence. He describes the collapse of wave-function as a requirement only when the larger-system renders the particle because we exist in a Virtual Reality. His theory which is extensive and covers more than just the virtual reality theory describes that in a virtual reality, the computer doesn't need to render all the data on the hard-drive so to speak, just the data that is being observed. This means when we are observing a moment in time/space only the information required to render out the experience is being rendered into particles. To bring you up to speed on this theory here is a link to his youtube channel and videos. http://www.youtube.com/usetwcjr44
The idea that we are living in a virtual reality is also described by many other mathematicians and physicists such as Nick Bolstrom, Brian Whitworth and Mark Wheeler to name a few. This has spawned a new branch of physics called digital physics and a theory called simulation theory.
For more details I have written an article which covers this in some greater detail called, "Time and space are not what you think." http://you-are-dreaming.blogspot.ca/2013/09/time-and-space-are-not-what-you-think.html
If reality is simply information that is accessed by an observer which in turn a computer-like system then renders that data into particles; were lies the relationship between the observer and the observed in this equation? This brings us back to what dreams are, and how they fit in to this reality system as a whole.
The first idea that must be addressed is the flow of information from the server to the client in a virtual reality. This information is what we call a datastream which is simply information. It is up to the client to process this information and render the data into some meaningful view. If we look at objective reality as information; then this information represents the physical datastream which through our physical senses we download the data, process the data and render a final product of the data in a meaningful view.
This relationship between objective data and our selves as the client observing this data is already self-evident. We may not recognize as the observer how important the mechanics of perception and information processing by the brain is; nor see how fundamental the final rendered product of this information actually is. It's importance in my opinion is beyond the scope of just physical reality and deeply connects to the dreamstate and any other state we may find ourselves in where information is being rendered into a view from any caveat of consciousness in it's many altered states.
Why is it self-evident that you are rendering data from the objective world using your physical senses as the inputs that download this information? If you want to see this in action, close your eyes and the final-product of the mind rendering visual information will stop. Open them again and you will continue to render visual information. Where are you rendering this information is important to understanding this fundamental this final-product of information processing and rendering by the brain actually is.
Unlike a computer which uses a computer screen that provides the feedback of what binary information looks like at the information level, our body does not have a physical computer screen whereby it renders our perception of reality. The brain which is simply a neural network of neurons has to simulate the computer screen in a virtual way.
It's worth mentioning how through the ages philosophers tackled this relationship between what the mind generates and what the observer observes dates back to Plato's Cave analogy. Rene Descartes recognized that the brain preformed some type of pre-processing on sensory input and projected this into some kind of internal screen where a "little man" the homunculus sat in the seat of the soul which resided in the pineal gland, and this has become known as "The Cartesian Theatre". Anthony Peake a British Author further expands this idea into what he calls the "Bohmian IMAX".
In many ways, this internal theatre acts like a holodeck like we see in Star Trek as it simulates 3d space, time and every sensory quality of perception in a meaningful way. This doesn't mean however that every detail exactly represents what is out there in the objective datastream. Our senses are very limited and the brain does fill in the blanks as is evident by this simple optical illusion provided in this link: http://gifs.gifbin.com/052012/1337880361_ugly_celebrities_optical_illusion.gif
These subjective differences in how the brain processes sensory information is evident in how a colour blind person perceives the objective data which would appear different to a person who is not colour blind. These subjective qualities are also recognized as something called, "Qualia" or the experience of reality but does not imply what the experience is as having total objectivity. This is likely why some people prefer chocolate ice-cream and others vanilla. Why some like country music and others prefer classical rock. How we perceive our reality is filtered and rendered subjectively; what that implies is that we only see is our experience of reality in a filtered down little-world view.
That doesn't mean it completely omits what is out there in the objective datastream; our brain does an amazing job of putting all that information together in a very close approximation. If it didn't we would likely never be able to drive cars en mass as everyone would be crashing and causing all sorts of mayhem. We wouldn't have accurate measurements down to the micron because what we do have in terms of resolution and is a very close approximation of that objective data.
Again, if you feel that you are not simply observing an experience of reality in this Cartesian Theatre simply close your eyes and it will become very apparent that what you are experiencing is a mind-generated rendering, a final product based on information processing and data inputs through the physical body. Thus we see the client (you and your body) and the server (objective reality) in terms of a metaphorical relationship.
How does dreaming stack up in terms of datastreams and information processing? Is there a relationship between the Cartesian Theatre and how our dream content is rendered? The answer in my opinion is again self-evident that when we are asleep and dreaming, the content of the dream is also rendering on the same Cartesian Theatre that our sensory-perceptions when we are awake are rendering on.
What is interesting to note with dreams however is the dream datastream. What is programming and encoding this datastream? What are the inputs downloading that data? We already know where that data is being rendered so we need to look closer at the first two questions.
Dream content is mind-generated meaning many unconscious processes are involved directly linked to you, and your own consciousness whereby what you think during a dream; renders out into a view on the Cartesian Theatre. Dreams themselves when we are actively having them often appear as real as our waking life. For most people, they do not realize they were actually in a dream until they wake up.
This is not an uncommon occurrence for most people. Dreams can translate into spectacular virtual reality simulations rich with both content and sensory feedback. They can appear physical and solid. You can simulate sight, hearing, touch and even taste and smell during a dream. Hot/Cold and pain can also be experienced during a dream depending on how sensory aware you are during them.
Like cheat-codes in computer games, lucid dreamers can experience "God" mode where the dream content doesn't hurt them, or "no-clipping" mode where they can pass through walls and objects in the dream state. Just an interesting observation and fun to note for you gamers out there.
For a more comprehensive look at dreaming, I've also written a free e-book entitled, "You Are Dreaming" which you can freely download here: You Are Dreaming Free eBook [PDF]
In understanding that a dream reality is a virtual reality created by a system of consciousness, it is also important to note that you are that system of consciousness that is creating your dream content. It's prudent to dismiss yourself as the director of your dream content assuming you lack the aptitude to control your dreams. It's more important to note that you may just be in the passenger's seat of your unconscious processes rather in the driver's seat which is why lucid dreaming becomes vital for better dream control and exploration.
What we do know about dreams is the fact they can be very real when we have them, and the reasons for that can be directly linked to how information is processed and rendered on this Cartesian Theatre. Both dreams and reality render there, and both offer unique experiences directly related to you, the observer.
If we examine dreams, there is another self-evident fact regarding what programs the dream and also what the dream content is rendered as. We know that every detail from light, colour, sound and objects including 3d space itself in a dream is the final rendering of information processing. Unlike atoms and Boson's dreams content is made up of a more fundamental rudimentary "bit", and that "bit" is thought. Thought is the programming language of dreams and is the most fundamental component of that system. If physical reality is simply a much larger dream at a Universal scale then it would also hold true that thought programs the objective datastream as well.
Which makes thought very important for both objective reality and dreams so raising some conjecture regarding this topic is very important to understanding some deep underlying mechanics of reality as a whole. Fortunately, there are some simple self-evident exercises that can help you see thought in action as to how it programs the Cartesian Theatre and how the Theatre simply responds to thought in the most profound way.
When we often think of thought, we associate it to the inner-voice which represents our inner-monologue which is a sub-vocalization in our conditioned language. When you read this text you should have a faint auditory sound of your voice reading out each word. This is thought in the form of sound providing feedback on your Cartesian Theatre.
When you imagine an apple for example with your eyes closed. The visual image of an apple will appear on this canvas in a faint way. The more you relax and focus on this visual form of thinking, the more contrast and resolution will occur and the image can become much more vivid and crisp.
This ability to think in sensory forms is not limited to just sound and thought. You can apply the same attention-focusing techniques to taste, touch and smell. This is most evident when you are falling asleep and the dream starts to take shape. Dreams simply perfect in action how our thoughts form complex sensory feedback on the Cartesian Theatre. This is very self-evident for lucid dreamers or people who pay attention to their thoughts when falling asleep.
This more advance sensory-form of thinking is a type of language. A form of non-verbal communication between aspects of yourself. Sigmund Freud recognized that our consciousness was compartmentalized and composed of what he felt was the id, ego, super-ego and unconscious. How these parts communicate amongst themselves is related to these variances in verbal and non-verbal communication. You already see in action how these systems work to produce very elaborate dreams during sleep.
What if this network of consciousness of which we are a part of extends to the Universe itself? Some kind of cosmic mind whereby we are all individual parts; yet still connected? How would this larger part communicate to it's smaller parts? How would the smaller parts interpret that language and communication?
Through precognitive dreams for those of you who have them, you are already seeing in action how a dream, which is composed entirely of thought represents a future event. When the dream actualizes the dream seems to materialize as an event in objective reality. For those of you who do not, well that missing ingredient is very helpful in understanding this covert relationship between thought and the reality it creates.
This possibility that physical reality could also be derived from dreaming or thought is not a new idea. The question really remains if it's true, how do you see this within your own experiences? And if you can accept that possibility... what next?
submitted by Ian_a_wilson to DreamLucid

ALL gamers from Reddit March Madness

Now that we're in late April, Reddit March Madness has come and gone, and Seton Hall can celebrate its first national championship and FIRE IT UP! Congratulations to the Pirates, and a hearty congrats to BYU, West Virginia and Gonzaga, too, for reaching the 2020 Final Four.
As the exclusive* media home for the tournament, I covered every game from the first round through the championship, plus features and previews along the way. That's a lot of content, and I know you want to go through all of it. That's why I've put it here, all in one post, for you to conveniently and consistently browse your modern-day Bible.
It has been a privilege and an honor to serve you fine folk with Internet connections (fuck anyone who doesn't, am I right?). You all mean so much to me. I wish you all a Merry Pandemic!
Without further ado, here is your entertainment.
FIRST ROUND
Shaka Smart self-declares invincibility as Iowa clobbers Texas
“At this point, I’m pretty sure I’m going to live forever,” Smart said. “There doesn’t really seem to be any negative consequences for my failures. It’s pretty dope.”
BYU survives Stephen F. Austin in late scramble
“That was a fuck up for sure,” said Kevon Harris, who took the terrible shot.
New Mexico State falls to Oregon as Payton Pritchard shows out
“It’s a process,” said New Mexico State head coach Chris Jans. “The first step is getting here, and the second step is losing.”
Vermont shocks Louisville with Everett Duncan heroism
“There are several people named Duncan on this team for some reason,” Duncan said. “That’s first and last names. I’m sick of it. I want to stand out. I want to be my own man. I want to be the top Duncan of Vermont.
“I think I accomplished that tonight.”
Michigan State slams Little Rock in basketball 'game'
“It was good to see the generosity our players showed Little Rock,” head coach and part-time garden gnome Tom Izzo said. “A few of our guys gave the Little Rock players words of encouragement even after they embarrassed themselves live on YouTube for everyone, even their crushes, to see. Sportsmanship is at the core of our program.”
Akron stuns Ohio State as Xeyrius Williams posts double-double
“Xeyrius Williams has a great name, but it’s arguably not even the best on our team,” Groce explained. “We got a guy named Ali Ali. We have another dude named Channel. One guy’s last name is Cheese. The name ‘Enrique Freeman’ does not sound correct. I’m still not sure how to pronounce Maishe Dailey. And the best might be LePear Toles, which again, is the real name of a player on my team. He’s a sophomore guard from Canton. I’m not making this up.”
Eastern Washington blindsides San Diego State in 15-2 upset
“Fuck your brackets,” Legans said. “EWU, bitch.”
Creighton outlasts UC Irvine as Denzel Mahoney goes off
“Oh lord, no. No, no, not again, no. Please, God, no, not like this,” McDermott said he pleaded to God on the sideline in the second half. “Just one Sweet 16, please, even if it’s in a video game.”
Illinois holds off Utah State with late shots
“As you can see, I’m wearing one of my energy crystals, which have helped bring me incredible good fortune in recent months,” Frazier explained. “This one right here is for love, which is what I try to spread with my basketball game. That’s the secret to everything, man, it’s love. There can be nothing without love.”
Marquette handles Arizona behind 37 via Markus Howard
“I have been working part-time as an extra-absorbent paper towel in the event I lose this job,” Sean Miller explained. “Business is booming, and soon I can take this operation full time. I won’t even need Arizona for much longer. Pump and dump, baby, pump and dump.”
Oklahoma slices Colorado as Tad Boyle has public breakdown
“I forgot Battey was on the team, okay?” Boyle said through sniffles as he held back tears. “It’s hard. This job is hard. It’s hard to keep track of everything.”
Saint Mary's edges Houston as Kelvin Sampson discovers offense exists
“He was telling me about this thing, offense I think I remember he called it,” Sampson recalled. “Anyway, he was talking about this offense thing, going on and on about working for good shots, ball movement, attacking the rim, what have you. It sounded odd to me, but we were down quite a bit. I didn’t know what else to try.”
Virginia defeats East Tennessee State, Tony Bennett bewildered
“I hate basketball,” he said. “I’ve been spending decades trying to destroy it from the inside. For my own players to undermine me like this, I find it disgusting. You can expect to see a lot more bricks and turnovers in our second game, I can promise you that.”
John Calipari avenges Evansville loss through Bradley
“I don’t care for those wise guys out in the Missouri Valley, see,” he said while wearing a trench coat and playing cards. “Where I come from, we take care of people like that, and their associates, too. Bradley got what it had coming.”
Bill Self suffers cardiac arrest as Kansas narrowly escapes NC Central
“Our guys fought until the end, and that’s something they can keep with them for the rest of the time the owner of his game keeps these rosters,” Moton said. “Besides, Kansas probably cheated, anyway.”
Gonzaga begins Cinderella run with incredible start-from-ahead victory
“It’s a huge day for our program,” said Gonzaga head coach Mark Few, who has assembled a rag-tag group of barely top-100 prospects and some of the best foreign talent into a Round of 32 participant. “It’s incredible the things you can accomplish when you leave your ego at the door.”
Michigan beats Florida as Hell arrives on Earth
“I just figured, if you’re trying to create a hell on Earth, what would be the easiest way to do it?” Satan said. “It didn’t take long for Michigan and Florida to come to mind. Putting them together, on the same field or court, at least once every calendar year in meaningful games, surely it would allow some amount of a realistic hell on the planet.”
Providence mounts unreal comeback as Rutgers falls apart
“Just another day in the Big East,” Cooley said after the game. “It’s like Buttgers never left.”
Cincinnati fails to upset Auburn, just like we knew they would
“Once we saw we had Cincinnati in our first game, we weren’t too worried,” Fred Flintstone, known in modern times as Bruce Pearl, said. “You can take the Cronin out of the Cincinnati, but you can’t take the Cincinnati out of the Cincinnati.”
Wisconsin takes out North Texas a Greg Gard garbles
“Garble, garble, garble,” Gard garbled, emphasizing the importance of Wisconsin’s free-throw shooting in crunch time. “Garble, garble, garble.”
Maryland holds off Yale as Terps fan can no longer stand it
Good job, Mark! You did it! You beat another mid-major, double-digit seed! Time to pop the champagne!
Butler beats Liberty as LaVall Jordan and Kamar Baldwin change my life
“Thank you, my son,” Jordan said, placing a wreath upon thine head and waving his hand to grace me with great fortune. “You are at peace now.”
North Dakota State dumps Florida State in all-time surprise
“I’m going to the liquor store, I’m buying all the liquor they got, and I’m getting drunk as fuck tonight, boys,” promised North Dakota State head coach David Richman.
Darrin Horn preaches Odin's teachings as Villanova trounces Northern Kentucky
“As we are taught in the the Hávamál, it is important to move on from things,” he explained graciously.
“The unwise man is awake all night, and ponders everything over; when morning comes he is weary in mind, and all is a burden as ever,” Darrin Horn continued, quoting his favorite of the 10 proverbs from the Hávamál.
Bob Huggins mauls innocent ref as West Virginia eliminates UCLA
For minutes, the brutal attack wore on with thousands listening to the tearing of skin, the breaking of bones and the final yelps of a dying man’s last pleas. After it was done, Huggins slowly rose, standing on only his hind legs and faced the two remaining refs, bearing his teeth.
Chris Beard helps make Texas Tech-Penn State rivalry renewal possible
“I’ve been eating nothing but mountain lion for weeks,” said Texas Tech student Benny “The Multiplier” Martinez. “My stool is hardening. Wreck ’em Tech!”
Skylar Mays explodes as LSU routs Arizona State
“We do a lot of preparations before games, and before the season even, to be prepared for our, shall we call them, opponents,” Wade slithered through his fingers as he tapped their tips against each other, menacingly. “We had been saving up for the tournament for a while.”
Indiana defeats USC as Hoosiers Faithful lose faith
“Great, fucking great,” complained Richard Stroganoff, Class of ’87. “One damn win in a video game, and we’re stuck with Archie for another two years, minimum.
“You’ll never replace Bobby!” he shouted as he stood to face at a wall poster of Miller with googly eyes, a crudely drawn mustache and a goofy sombrero vandalizing the coach’s appearance.
“You’ll never replace Bobby,” Stroganoff quietly muttered, slumping against the wall and collapsing into a heap of tears and woe.
Mike Krzyzewski makes media forget Hofstra exists after Duke win
“The chest pat is everything,” his holiness explained later when us mortal media members were fortunate enough to be graced with his words of wisdom. “Without it, you have nothing.”
Seton Hall blows out Belmont in Reddit March Madness First Round
“It’s not what we came here hopin’ for,” Belmont head coach and country music studio recording artist Casey Alexander sang with a twang, “but it is what we’re leavin’ here cryin’ for.”
Obi Toppin gets stalked as Dayton throttles Winthrop
“I’ve been getting very unsettling phone calls from numbers I don’t know from Cleveland,” Obi Toppin explained. “It’s a distorted male voice that keeps telling me he loves me over and over again, and that everything is going to be okay. Sometimes he shushes me. Plus, I received flowers from a ‘secret admirer,’ and they were all dead. I’m starting to get scared.”
Scott Drew arrested for murder after Baylor kills Boston University
“The NCAA wanted eliminate Boston University because its name is dumb,” the report from Scoops Callahan reads. “They think it’s pretentious that they always have to have the University or U in there, and that it’s too much of a mouthful. So, they put Baylor and Scott Drew on the job, and now an innocent university is dead.”
SECOND ROUND
Jake Toolson leads with 31 as BYU gets to first Sweet 16 since 2011
“My mommy and daddy said that if the Cougars go to the Final Four, God is listening to my prayers!” said 8-year-old BYU fan Ammon Bluth, jumping up and down with joy before stopping, his face dropping and the sudden malaise of reality beginning to churn in his young mind. “Wait, what does it mean if they don’t?”
Bob Huggins apologizes for ref mauling in Reddit March Madness
“I don’t see what the big deal is, but lots of people got mad, so here you go,” Huggins said in a special press conference. “I’m sorry if I offended you. There you go. There it is.”
Greg McDermott considers his bleak future as Illinois beats Creighton
“I’m gonna lose my job, and then I’m gonna lose the house, too,” McDermott said, pacing ferociously and periodically hitting himself in the head with an open palm in feeble attempts to knock himself into an alternate, more successful reality that does not exist, not even in the make-believe land of College Hoops 2K8 simulations. “Theresa is definitely gonna leave me. What am I going to do without Theresa?”
Kentucky comes back to topple Iowa for fourth-straight Sweet 16
“I would like to dedicate this performance to the otters,” Hagans said. “No one in basketball is talking about otters. I’m sick of it. It’s time to start, #OtterTalk.”
Randy Bennett attacks assistant as I meet the love of my life
“I think I love you,” Shemika said, biting her lip.
“Word,” I responded, sexily.
Shantay Legans continues trash talk as Reddit March Madness goes on
“Ain’t nothing golden about Marquette,” Shantay Legans explained. “You ever been to Milwaukee? They should call themselves the Gray Eagles. At least that would make sense.”
Marquette discards Eastern Washington, Mike Wazowski Astounded
“Jesus, Joseph, Mary, Paul, Peter, all of them,” Wazowski said in disbelief. “Moses, Avraham, Yakov, Mohammad, Buddha, Confucius. Thanks to all of them. Whomever is responsible for this, thank you.”
Michigan State stomps Virginia hearts yet again as the cruelty continues
“Tom Izzo,” he muttered in his stupor as he rolled over from his back to his side to face me, a pool of vomit slipping from his lap onto the pavement. “He ruined my life.”
Payton Pritchard goes 25 and 10 as Oregon hammers Akron
“I ate a lot of bugs before, which provides me with my species’ equivalent to protein, so I was extra strong for today’s game,” he explained. “My metabolism processes the bugs much faster than humans process their food, and it gives me strength immediately that same day. I was sent to this planet to win basketball games for Dana Altman. I am not collecting valuable information so that my species can destroy the human race.”
Lon Kruger reads the funnies after Gonzaga tackles Oklahoma
“I’ve been in basketball a long time, long enough to remember the great Buddy Hield,” Lon Kruger reminisced. “Oh, what great days those were. You could just give him the ball, and he would do something magical with it. Now all these kids want to do these days is sit around on their iTabs and their GameDudes, living in some kind of fantasy. Well, I prefer the real world, where we’re really watching simulations of a 13-year-old college basketball video game instead of March Madness this year because of A GOD DAMN VIRUS!”
LSU backs Will Wade as Reddit March Madness Second Round rages on
“There is no change to Coach Will Wade’s employment status at LSU and we will continue to not give a shit,” the school said.
Maryland Fandom: A Story of Struggle and Strife
“‘AYALA FOR THREE’ WILL FOREVER HAUNT MY NIGHTMARES!” shouted business major Georgio Mancala as he climbed on top of the bar and began throwing cups, napkins and everything else he could get his hands on into the air, causing mass mayhem.
Jeremiah Robinson Earl tackles inner demon as Villanova bests Michigan
“We’re a scorpio, and today our horoscope said that for a few weeks, we’ve been struggling with our physical appearance,” said the medically-conjoined elite basketball machine. “Our horoscope also said that a decision we make at the end of the day will help with those negative thoughts, and tonight was that decision. We decided that we don’t care if having three people smashed into one mechanical-engineered monster of a basketball superhuman doesn’t fit into the constraints of conventional attractiveness. We’re all beautiful in our own ways, and basketball is how we share our beauty with the world.”
West Virginia beats Duke, Bob Huggins proves his literacy all in one day
“In case he was wondering if I can read, I took a look at the scoreboard and wanted to let him know that I read, ‘WEST VIRGINIA 81, DUKE 74,'” Huggins said. “He can let me know later if I read that right.”
LSU stuns Dayton, proving the arc of justice bends however it wants
“This world is a sick place. There’s no righteousness in this place,” said Toppin, turning up his upper lip in disgust, then changing his expression to complete anger after his phone rang and he saw who was calling. “And these fucking calls won’t stop either! I know it’s you, Dan! Leave me alone! I don’t need this right now!”
Texas Tech, Lubbock prep for possible Sweet 16 on 2nd Round's last day
“I’ve become connected with an anti-human trafficking human trafficker who fools, then kidnaps and smuggles Somali pirates to various parts of the world as property, and it’s totally legit,” Martinez explained. “So, while I doubt the pirates that Seton Hall is referring to in its nickname come from Somali, it’s really the most realistic route you could expect one to take given that pirates are an endangered species in 2020. Wreck ’em Tech!”
Seton Hall survives Texas Tech as late-game incompetence dominates
“It was a crazy game to be a part of. It was an offensive explosion from both teams,” Rhoden said, using his hands to illustrate things blowing up. “It was like, BOOM! And then like, BOOM! And, and then, BOOM! You know? It was like that. A lot of booms.”
Austin Wiley bemoans graduation after Wisconsin ousts Auburn
“But … mom … I … don’t … wanna … come … HOOOOOOME!” Austin Wiley struggled to get out to his mother over the phone amid the intense sniffles and tears he was fighting through. “I’m gonna miss my friends, and all my toys and stuff are here. I don’t wanna leave. I don’t wanna come to Hoover. I WANNA STAY!”
Hoosiers are losers to Baylor, sending some IU fans into total despair
“How has this happened?” Richard Stroganoff, Class of ’87, asked the empty void he couldn’t escape as he wept on the floor of his kitchen in the fetal position, leaning against the dish washing machine and clutching a framed picture of Bob Knight.
David Richman sets records as 15 North Dakota State joins Sweet 16
“I was the drunkest anyone has ever been in the state of North Carolina,” his statement read. “Pretty sweet, right?”
SWEET 16 PREVIEW
Reddit March Madness Sweet 16 is (finally) upon us
“IT’S A WAR ZONE OUT HERE,” shouted Michigan State head coach Tom Izzo from the inside an active helicopter, camouflage paint and clothing covering his body for safety precautions during the medical supply drop. “NO ONE IS SAFE, NOT EVEN DUKE."
SWEET 16
Calipari watches dazzle Bunderwood in landslide Kentucky win
“Did I plan for it to go like it did?” Calipari asked, laughing and sitting back his chair, crossing his arms. “I guess we got a wise guy ‘ere, huh? Well, kid, I did plan for it to go like this. Know how? Because I wanted to make sure Illinois knew where it belongs. I wanted it to know that even when the light at the end of the tunnel looks like it’s getting brighter, I can close the blinds.”
Izzo does it again as Michigan State trumps Marquette for Elite Eight bid
“It’s all about yelling at your players, but doing it the right way,” Izzo explained. “You gotta do it in a way that makes people laugh. Screaming is fine as long as you’re little and goofy, especially in comparison to your players. That’s the key.”
Tom Riddle becomes more brazen as BYU takes out Kansas
“People are always going to try to find a way to bring down the almighty and all-powerful,” he said, his cheeks and forehead beginning to throb a light blue as a uncontrollable grin spread wide across his face. “We will vanquish them, as we do all enemies, as we prove ourselves as the most dominant force in the world. Our power is growing, Cougars. Remain with me as I bring us to the end of the muggle nightmare."
Zags cruise through Oregon, continuing six-year Cinderella run
“Gonzaga in the Elite Eight,” he said to Tracy Wolfson on the court after the game, tears welling in his eyes as their genuine and powerful charisma captured the heart of America. “Wow, what a world.”
Kevin Willard has emergency while Seton Hall ends North Dakota State
“WHERE ARE THE BATHROOMS IN THIS PLACE FUCK FUCK FUCK,” Willard is thinking, right now.
Jay Wright gives inspirational speech as West Virginia washes Villanova
“I don’t understand,” Jay Wright said in the post-game press conference, flabbergasted. “It worked for the championships…”
Greg Gard scolds me after Wisconsin falls to Baylor in Sweet 16
“Garble, garble, garble,” he garbled, insulting me for bringing up such a hoax and shouting at me to leave, insisting that he would not continue the presser until I was gone. “Garble, garble, garble.”
Javonte Smart has a talk with the Lord and LSU tops Butler
“I just felt something come over me,” he explained, jubilantly. “I felt something mighty, something powerful. I felt an internal phone ringing in my head, and so I answered it. I knew right then and there that that was the Lord, and when the Lord calls, you answer the phone."
ELITE EIGHT PREVIEWS
Seton Hall Arrives in First Elite Eight in 29 Years
“It’s an amazing thing,” Willard said, eager to get off the topic of his accident. “It’s a testament to the amount of work these kids put in each and every day, adjusting to this tournament being played with one fewer dimension than they’re accustomed to and how fortunate our draw has been.”
Baylor Basketball Aims at First Final Four Since the Truman Administration
“There were presidents before Obama?” sophomore guard Matthew Mayer asked, innocently.
BYU Basketball Has Provo Preparing for Marriage Mayhem
“The Cougars are one win from the Final Four!” said 8-year-old BYU fan Ammon Bluth, whose parents told him after the Vermont game that if the Cougars made it to the Final Four, then God was listening to his prayers. “I can’t wait until God listens to my prayers about world peace and hunger, too!”
Big Blue Nation Ready to Pounce if Wildcats Fail
“We ain’t even won shit yet,” said card-carrying Big Blue Nation member Peevis Moon. “This is the season, right here. Final Four or never more for John Calipoopi.”
LSU Basketball Fan Rejoices as Will Wade Takes Franchise to Next Level
“RAH RAH RAH,” the only LSU basketball fan in existence, Buford Fontenot, unintelligibly shouted at me from his shrimp boat, wearing only overalls and a hat he clearly just found somewhere, while I stood on the dock at a safe distance in case things got too Cajun. “BASSETBALL!”
WVU Basketball Could Complete Epic Turnaround with Final Four
“We have been working to expand our drunk tanks and get extra pumps to J.W. Ruby Memorial Hospital in preparation for WVU basketball this week,” said Morgantown police chief Hobart McDonald’s. “I can’t wait to get West Virginia wild.”
Cassius Winston Plans Surprise for Tom Izzo ahead of Elite Eight
“If we win, we’re gonna get a great, big pinata of Coach K, hang it up and surprise him with it in the locker room after the game,” Cassius Winston said. “We already have it all planned out for how to make it a secret. We have a few other guys on the team in on it. Kenny Goins provided the bat, because he had several for some reason. I can’t wait for the look on his face. And think of the candy, too!”
Cinderella of Reddit March Madness, Gonzaga Stands for Little Man
“Well, there’s one thing: they can’t order us to stop dreaming,” explained Ayayi, his breathtakingly beautiful dress blowing so elegantly in the wind. “So we’ll trust our hearts, what else can we do? We can’t live in dreams if our dreams are to come true.”
ELITE EIGHT
BYU Gets to to First Final Four, 'Calipoopi' Trends on Twitter
“I said Final Four or never more for John Calipoopi before the doggone game, and my mind ain’t changed,” tweeted card-carrying Big Blue Nation member Peevis Moon from his handle @UKWildcatzFan1972. “That was pathetic! Never seen UK play worse! I’m done with Calipoopi the Fraud!”
Kevin Willard Goes Jersey as Pirates Punch Baylor for Final Four Ticket
“People have been talking about our draw coming into this round,” Kevin Willard said on the court right after the game. “How we didn’t play anyone, so we were going to lose to big, bad, murderous Baylor. Well guess what? Seton Hall don’t give a fuck, jack, and that means Jersey ’bout to run up in ATL with some GTL, you feel?”
West Virginia Clips LSU, Sends Bob Huggins to Third Final Four
“I feel like I am West Virginia,” he said. “I act like West Virginia, I think like West Virginia, I’m shaped like West Virginia. There’s nothing but West Virginia in me, you can be damn sure of that."
Mark Few Sprinkles Me with Fairy Dust as Cinderella Dances to Final Four
“Look at how pretty I am!” Gonzaga forward Corey Kispert said while frolicking about the media room, a wide smile on his face. “I’m the prettiest girl at the dance. Why, I think I might be the prettiest lady this side of the Mississippi!”
FINAL FOUR PREVIEWS
Final Four Teams Meet with Atlanta Schoolchildren to Give Back
“Your dads give you a beer yet?” West Virginia head coach Bob Huggins asked a group of fifth graders, taking a sip of his whiskey, then lighting his cigar and puffing it out into the room.
Tom Riddle Takes in First Final Four of Coaching Career
“You always dream about getting to a point like this when you’re drafting plans for how to eliminate an entire subset of the population from existence,” Riddle explained. “It’s not until you’re actually here, standing in Atlanta and feeling the energy around you, that you realize it can be real and not just a fantasy.”
Romaro Gill Explains his Horsey Lifestyle
“We have a chores list, WHICH PATCHES IS NOT GOOD ABOUT FOLLOWING,” Gill said, elevating his voice loud enough during the criticism so Patches could hear him in the other room. “But we have it all broken down, AND WHEN IT’S FOLLOWED, things move pretty smoothly around here.”
Chase Harler Comes Clean about Stamp Collections
“I’ve been collecting since I was a little boy, maybe 3 or 4 years old,” Harler said, beginning to choke up. “My cousin showed stamps to me, told me they were a nice hobby. I didn’t think anything much of it then, just thought they were interesting. I had no idea what it would turn in to. I didn’t know it would be like this.”
FINAL FOUR
Chase Harler Entirely to Blame as BYU Bounces WVU in Final Four
“We are truly at the precipice now,” he said he encouraged his players. “The darkness is near. Soon, the muggles will have no light with which to live, and the darkness shall envelope them. It shall be you who bring the darkness, and you will continue our long path to eventual muggle eradication in the second half.”
Myles Powell Proves Higher Power, Lifting Pirates Over Zags in Final Four
“I’m probably never going to be back here again,” Willard said. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m a good coach. Seton Hall is fortunate to have me, and I’ll probably go to more Sweet 16s, lots more tournaments, all that. But win a national championship? Are you shitting me? Only in a season that is cancelled right before March Madness because of a pandemic, then the tournament is played out in a 13-year-old video game could I possibly pull that off, and those are the exact circumstances we find ourselves in. That’s why I have to capitalize. Now.”
NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP PREVIEWS
Final Four of Misfits Provides Public with Entertainment, Danger
“Well, I can promise you that we won’t commit a genocide if we win,” said Seton Hall head coach Kevin Willard. “We won’t if we lose, either. In fact, I can guarantee you that Seton Hall will never play a role in the creation or propagation of a genocide. We’re pretty committed to our values here, and genocide is something that goes against those values.”
BYU Remains Focused on the Day of the Big Game
“Please, God, won’t anyone listen to me?” Deep Stroke pleaded into the void of repeated history as I yawned. “Riddle says, ‘DEATH TO ALL MUGGLES’ almost every time you talk to him. Doesn’t that scare anyone? Do people even listen to the words this guy says? The dude is one win away from erasing a massive segment of the population from existence, and it feels like no one is reacting. WHAT IN THE ABSOLUTE FUCK IS GOING ON?!?!?!?!”
Seton Hall to Build Myles Powell Cathedral as Thanks for Title Game Run
“We’ll start with conception,” said Seton Hall president Eduardo Quinceañera, beaming with pride. “Then move on to birth, attending public schools in Trenton, the work on his basketball game, high school, coming to Seton Hall and then now, leading us to this point. And if we win, there will be a special panel dedicated just to his work in bringing us this title. And we’re going to leave out that thing from his past that he told us to because he didn’t want it getting out, so no concerns there.”
NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP
Seton Hall Shocks Us All with World-Saving National Championship
“Hello, muggle world,” the man we understood to be Kevin Willard said. “I am Albus Dumbledore, and I have come to save you.”
AFTERMATH
Tom Riddle Defeated, World Saved as Pirates Take First Title
"I mean, hooray that BYU and Voldemort lost, I guess,” he said, miserably. “But no one even really seems to care, so it’s going to happen again. Nothing has changed. Tom Riddle, or someone or something like Tom Riddle, will be back in a short amount of time, and then we will go through this all over again.
“You spend your life trying to make the world a better place, trying to sound the alarm of impending danger and doom that you know is coming. You try to do the right thing. You try to help people. And society spits in your face and laughs for your efforts like you’re somehow the crazy one.
“It’s a joke. It’s all a cruel joke.”
THE FUTURE
From the response to my writing for this tournament, and from how much I enjoyed doing it, you can expect continued satirical writing on Nothing But Nylon. A good friend of mine, who is a stand-up comedian, is also joining the satirical army, though you can expect more NBA-focused jokes from him. If you enjoyed NBN's coverage of Reddit March Madness, be sure to stay tuned for much more like it.
As for me, I am going to enter hiding for fear of retaliation from Tom Riddle and his ilk. Although he was disembodied following the national championship loss, we've seen him come back from that before. I'll continue publishing online despite the danger, because that's how much my fiercely loyal readership means to me. Keep that in mind when you lay your head on your pillow in your safe, comfortable home, free from the threats of The Dark Lord, and check your fucking privilege*.
* = this means you can't sue me
submitted by justinbutnylon to CollegeBasketball

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