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Hawk! Hold My Beer, Sloopy Has Moments Too!

I have done many things on a whim in my life. This is a tale about one of those whims. The weather was beautiful, and we had decided to make the hour and half commute to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. I can see the signs for South of The Border in my mind as I type. That place is exactly like the size of my penis, just a fantastically huge...disappointment. Just full of shortcomings. Pun? Likely.
There is likely at least one Fuckery folk who knows of this journey. Myrtle Beach is a novelty. It is great when you are a physically fit war-monger that loves alcohol and the possibility of the chlamydia lottery. My three cohorts were on a mission for strange, and I was there for inappropriate comments, well-timed witty remarks, and debauchery.
Slow down Dear Reader, we will eventually get to Myrtle Beach. We just crossed the North to South Carolina border and we have to make a pit stop first. We, of course, need to stop at South of The Border and people watch for at least twenty minutes, and then make a much more important stop. The Fireworks Superstore. Dear Reader, let me tell you about the Fireworks Superstore. Apologies, there really isn't much to tell. They sell a considerable amount of shit that will blow your dick-beaters clean off your palm meat. They also sell items that are banned in other states, specifically, projectile fireworks.
This may come as a surprise to you, but I love explosives. Not as much as I love sweater stretchers. The boobs, and "Turkey's done" nipples eek out the victory. However, I am always amazed when I walk into the Firework Superstore, and I found out I wasn't most fucked up pyromaniac that day. Mitchel was, and that guy purchased a mortar system and twenty engorged Rocky Mountain Oyster-sized balls of firework glory. Mitchel spent enough money that it was clearly obvious we needed to "spot him" money for booze later. Fingers crossed Mitchel is capable of pulling his own "strange" because I will never pay for sex, and I certainly won't pay for him to have sex.
Fast-Forward
Take a wild guess about what happened when we finally arrived at Myrtle Beach. Nothing. Mother Nature spread her legs and pissed sideways. It was cold rain and it was enough to drive the bikini boobs into hiding, and the bars were empty. Murphy shit on us, and the trip was now pointless. We swallowed the little pride any of us had, and started our return trip at dusk. Yup, dusk!
Raf was driving, and the rest of us were totally not-drinking. Water! We were housed, and we came up with this genius idea. "Why not shoot mortars off the windshield?" What a marvelous idea it was, and all four of us idiots agreed to this. It was magnificent. Ever look up at fireworks when they explode and dazzle you with bright colors? Ever dream, "I wonder what it would feel like driving through that in a 1992 Toyota 4Runner?" I don't wonder about that. Not anymore. I know what it's like.
Jared positioned the mortar outside the truck on the window. Props to the Japanese. The window angle was perfect. There was an audibly pleasing "thud" when Jared launched the first round. It was exciting as the truck kept pace with the tracer-like glow, and it was utterly amazing when it exploded and engulfed the outside of the truck in glorious chaos. Timing and speed was everything. Some exploded a bit behind us. Some in front. The asshole behind us even stopped tailgating us. I kid you not, it was really amazing. Until it wasn't.
Jared: Sloppy. Open up the other mortars and load one in. I'm out.
OP: Okay.
I ripped that shit open like it was Christmas and I was searching for the Nintendo I asked for. Just pure excitement and anticipation for another glorious explosion.
OP: How do I load it?
Mitchel: Just shove it in.
Simple enough. I shoved that bull testicle-sized chaos-creator into that tube, and then handed back over to Jared.
Jared: (Puzzled) Fuse looks a little short. Oh well.
The fuse was lit and I we were all anticipating another glorious explosion. We had just rounded the corner and now see headlights in the distance. The tailgater passed us, and it was only us, and the driver we were about to scare the shit out of. Then came the "thud."
This "thud" was different. Chaotically different. This "thud" shot the fucking mortar tube through the windshield and was now sitting between Mitchel and I. It was funny, but not really, but still kind of funny. Only to me though.
Mitchel: (Anger with a healthy dash of fear) STOOOOOOPPPPPPPP!!!!
OP: (Fear) Inaudible noise (Lots of laughter)
You can smell the melting rubber as the truck came to a stop. Raf's threshold breaking game could use some work. We can talk about that later. Our primary concern was evading the inevitable explosion. The truck was not driving through the explosion this time, the explosion was about to drive through the truck. We all feverishly ran just the right amount of distance away to all turn, and watch the chaos together. As disastrous as it was, it was fucking glorious.
The bright white light produced from the exciting explosion quickly faded, but the blue lights from the cop car picked up where the firecracker left off. We all stood like statues, as the cop rushed the truck with the worlds smallest fire extinguisher. The truck wasn't one fire, but there was a considerable amount of embers that need to be deprived of oxygen. Then the cop turned and just stared. I finally found a reason to stop laughing.
Cop: Never, in my ten years on the force, have I seen something so incredibly stupid (Pause. Long Pause) and funny at the same time. You boys okay?
We stood there. Silently. How the fuck are you supposed to talk your way out of this? Jared? Not Sloppy. Mitchel bought, Jared shot, and Raf drove. I was innocent in this chaos. They were my friends though! I was thinking of ways to get close enough to disarm him. I have never ridden in the front seat of a cop car. Then, as I was thinking about where to bury the body, Raf spoke up.
Raf: Ah. I've been better. My truck's been better.
Cop: You boys military?
OP: What gave us away?
Cop: (Laughing) The firework (Laughing) inside (Laughing) your, your, your (Laughing) car. (More laughing).
Raf: Yes. We are military.
Cop: (Some. Just some composure.) I was really angry when I got the call from a driver saying the vehicle ahead of him was shooting fireworks. I said, "It's wrong, but they're just bottle rockets." They said the were large explosions. (Laughing) I was angry when I rounded that corner, and I was look'n to get ya. (Laughing. My god the fucking laughing) Then you're vehicle exploded. (Laughing some more.)
Raf: What now? We going to jail?
Cop: (Seriously, the laughing was annoying now. He was laughing.) Jail? (Laughing) You're truck smells like shit and you have a hole in your cracked windshield. (Laughing) Have fun (I am actually getting sick of typing "Laughing," but he was laughing.) explaining this shit to your friends.
The tension eased up. It was now a very necessary Question and Answer (Q&A) time. Don't know why. I was already satisfied with the events.
Jared: (Looking at me.) How did you load that?
OP: (Proudly) Like you said. Crammed it in there!
Jared: Fuse at the bottom or top?
OP: (Proudly) Bottom!
Mitchel: You fucking idiot!
OP: What?
Jared: You loaded it upside down.
OP: Light fuse. Fuse goes up, things go boom. Fuse is at the bottom. Right?
Cop: LAUGHING.
Jared: The fuse goes in, from the top, and then wraps around to the bottom. Otherwise it would be hard as...
OP: (LIGHT-BULB MOMENT) Oh! That's why I had to use the Roman Candles to shove that fucker down there.
COP: AHhhhh...(Inaudible Laughing)
Raf: You owe me a windshield.
It was a very awkward ride home. Very smelly, and very awkward. Pulling through the control point gates at Fort Bragg was equally fun, "What the fuck happened to your windshield?" I had to relieve that story, in great detail, during our conversation with the Military Police. Thankfully, there was far less laughter. Don't get me wrong, there was shit-ton of laughter, but it was far less. My apologies for not dragging this out. I think it's safe to end it now though. I have stuff-and-things to do. Oh, I got suckered into chipping in for the windshield. Thankfully, I didn't pay for the 6, 476 cigarette burns in the seats, doors, ceiling, floor, and clothing. It's hard to express in words how funny it is now. I can do it numerically though, 10/10 would totally do it in not-my-car again, and pray the cop is just as kindhearted.
Sorry, I was about to say cheers and my wife came into my garage. There are some odd questions after you get married.
Wife: Do you think you would ever get married again if I died?
OP: (Jesus. What did I do? Are you tricking me?) I suppose. I mean there is no way for me to tell. I love you though.
Wife: Would you let her drive my car?
OP: Babe. It's a fucking car. I'll probably let Cake drive that car. I'm not driving it. Why?
Wife: Would you let her use my golf clubs?
OP: No. She's left handed.
Then she ran into the house. I have a feeling I am in trouble. Maybe not. I am kidding folks. I stole that joke from my Priest. It was the funniest "normal" joke I had ever heard, and still toss it out now and then. I like making jokes my own though. They are so much funnier when you make them personal. I kid, I kid though. She doesn't golf. My wife, she does not golf. There is no way I would let her ruin that for me ever again. It's a story for a different time. It's funny, and why I never went back to Anderson Creek Golf Course.
I have fulfilled my promise of posting another story. Now it is time for you decide if you laughed or not. Sorry if you didn't. You must be a real miserable f...
Cheers.
submitted by SloppyEyeScream to FuckeryUniveristy

Old Friends and Old Faces

Alkis was lying in bed, tossing a tennis ball at the ceiling of his cabin and catching it as it came down. A knock at the door made him flinch, looking to the door and immediately being hit in the face with the tennis ball. He caught it falling off his face towards the ground and frowned at it, rubbing his nose.
"Dick."
He called it, knowing it couldn't hear him, but it made him feel a little better. He stood up, tossing the ball back onto his bunk, and walking to the door, confused on who would be here for him. To his surprise it was a satyr, a little bit shorter than him holding an envelope.
"Hi, is Alkis here?" the satyr asked, looking inside the cabin,
Alkis smiled, "Oh, uh yeah that's me."
The satyr handed him the envelope, "Looks like you've got mail. That's all, have a good one!" the satyr told him before trotting off towards the forest.
"Huh. Alright then."
He said, walking back to his bunk and sitting down.
Who would be sending me a letter? My parents? I don't think so, they don't even know I'm here. Nobody does really... He thought, running through a list in his mind, but unable to figure out who it was. Shrugging he opened the letter and recognized a handwriting he hadn't see since Juvy. The letter read;
'Dear Alkis,
Hey man! How's it going? I asked around with some other letters with some of your friends on the outside to figure out where you were staying. They said they dropped you off at this address, so I figured this was my best bet. I hope you're doing well. Good news! I get out in two days, I was thinking maybe you could show me around the city and we could get lunch and stuff? I hope you get this in time, I'll wait for you at the Rockefeller center, it's near to the place I'm probably gonna stay for a while. I hope I see you there man. Talk to you soon hopefully.
-Noah'
Alkis chuckled slightly scratching his jaw, smiling.
Noah is out, that's great.
He looked over the paper, and realized it was dated two days ago.
"Oh shit!" He exclaimed, leaping to his feet and tucking the letter into his back pocket, running around the cabin collecting his stuff, namely his duffel bag, and his cash.
He ran out of the cabin, waving to the people he knew as he left, and ran for quite a while, until coming to the nearest payphone. He called a cab and waited for it to show up.
Huh... I do... not have a weapon. Better not run into anything. Heh, never been an issue.
When the cab showed up, Alkis climbed in, flashing a smile, "The Rockefeller center please. The faster you get there, the better the tip." With that, the driver punched the throttle as Alkis could almost see his eyes light up at the prospect of a big tip.
The cab eventually reached the Rockefeller center, in what Alkis was sure had to be record time. He climbed out of the cab and handed the driver 200$ in a bundle, giving him a pat on the shoulder and a smile,
"Thanks for the ride. Have an amazing day!"
He said, before turning and looking around, finally seeing Noah, albeit a little bit taller and scruffier sitting on a bunch, hands in his lap, looking around. They made eye contact.
"Noah! How are you buddy?"
He called out as Noah stood and began running towards him, embracing Alkis in a bear hug. Alkis returned the hug grinning,
"Jesus, they feed you well huh?"
Noah looked at him with a smirk,
"Come on, you remember what they fed us. No growing boy survives on that, but you know we got snacks through people all the time."
Alkis nodded wistfully, remembering, though not quite missing it.
"So tell me buddy, you gonna stay out this time?"
He asked, as Noah chuckled,
"Well, y'know that's always the goal. I've got an apartment near here that I'm gonna stay at. It's... it's not the best but I think it'll be nice."
Alkis nodded, smiling,
"Well, why don't you show me the place? I'll help you decorate."
He says with a wink, gesturing forward, as Noah began to lead him down the street for about two blocks, eventually turning onto a sketchy looking street, and leading Alkis into an old and worn down apartment building. Leading him upstairs, he opened the door with a gesture, to the decrepit and dusty room,
"Mi casa es Su casa." Noah said with a small smile.
Alkis sighed and shook his head, reaching in and closing the door before either of them could enter the room.
"Nope. Come on, you're not staying here."
Noah began to object but Alkis had already begun walking, he jogged to catch up,
"Well where am I gonna stay then genius? I can't get my down payment back either."
Alkis smiled and shrugged,
"I'll pay you the cost of it. I'm gonna get you staying in a nice place. Remember my parents? Well you haven't met them, but you heard the stories right?"
Noah smiled,
"Oh yeah, that time after you got jumped in the mess hall right? I was in the infirmary cause I was sick, you were all bruised and sliced up. They got you pretty good. Stabbed you what, twice?"
"Three times."
"Right."
Alkis exited the building and called for a cab once again, and by nothing short of pure luck, ended up with the same driver. They were at his parents house in no time. Alkis handed the driver another hundred dollars with a smile.
"You got kids sir?"
The cab driver nodded, smiling,
Alkis smiled,
"Well take good care of em eh? Here, for some spare gifts, I know it's getting around that time of year."
He said, handing the driver another 200 dollars, and patting the top of the car.
He turned while the cabbie spread off, his pockets significantly lighter and looked at his old home. The big white pillars, the high roof, the window into the dining room, where it looked like his parents were eating right now. He smiled at Noah,
"Well, come on."
He led Noah to the door and reached for the handle, before catching himself and knocking.
Doesn't feel quite right to just walk in anymore. Not really my home at this point.
After a few moments, his step father came to the door, opening it, his face breaking into a look of confused joy.
"Alkis? Where have you been, we haven't heard from you in forever!"
He chuckled,
"Yeah, that's kind of the arrangement remember?"
His step father shook his head with a smile,
"Well, come on in I guess."
Noah stepped forward and extended a hand,
"I'm Noah sir, it's nice to meet you. I've heard a lot."
As Noah and his step father got themselves acquainted, Alkis walked into the house, giving his mom a wave before having a heavy force slam into his stomach. His little brother.
"Hey Chris buddy, how's it going?"
His little brother smiled up at him,
"Good! I got a new Lego! You wanna see?"
Alkis nodded,
"In a little bit buddy."
He looked up to find his mother clearing the table,
"So, I think we've got some stuff to talk about."
After some awkward introductions, Chris led Noah off to see some of his Lego's, which was fine. He knew Noah would be uncomfortable if he was here. Alkis sat on a stool while his parents settled on the couch,
"So Alkis, where have you been? What have you been up to? We haven't seen you in forever."
Alkis shrugged, "Well, mainly a hospital, Juvy, and a camp that I think I'm gonna stay at."
His mother looked shocked, performing the sign of the cross,
"A hospital? Juvy? Alkis what happened?" She half shouted, clearly distraught,
He smiled,
"Don't worry, I'm fine mom. Appreciate your concern by the way."
He paused, sighing and looking around this house, seeing the catholic symbols around the house, the complete lack of family photos. The few photos he could see around didn't have him in them anyways,
Makes sense. I can certainly remember why I left, though if you came in here, you wouldn't know I even existed.
"Well, I was a party, as usual. There was a guy harassing one of my friends and I stepped in."
His mothers eyes widened and his father leaned forward,
"Why didn't you get security?"
"The place was too packed, I wouldn't have found them. Anyways, he shoved me, I hit him. He shot me."
He explained, shrugging and lifting his shirt slightly to expose the scar.
His father shook his head,
"Jeez... then I assume the hospital?"
Alkis nodded,
"And then... Juvy? They figured assault I bet."
Alkis nodded again.
His mother stood and excused herself, walking out of the room, his father leaned further forward,
"Firstly, your mother is clearly upset, but she'll be ok. We're just glad you're ok."
Alkis scoffed,
"Yeah sure. Look me in my eyes and say it."
His father met Alkis' eyes for just a moment before dropping his gaze.
"Listen, we've told you this before. We still love you, we just disapprove of the way you live your life. We worry about you, both on earth and the afterlife."
Alkis smiled, Huh, I almost believed him this time. He's getting better.
He nodded and shrugged, and his father sighed,
"This camp... is it safe? Do you like it there, comfortable and everything? Making friends?"
Alkis couldn't help but smile more, Well, if nothing he's a caring parent. Definitely love there.
"Yeah dad, it's a good place. I like it, I've got friends. There's this girl... well y'know everything is good."
His father nodded again, smiling slightly,
"Good good, so is this Noah from camp?"
Alkis shook his head slightly,
"No he's from Juvy. He's a good friend, helped me a lot in there. Protected me. He got out today, and he showed me where he's staying. It's subhuman dad. I wanted to ask..."
This is the tough part. I hate asking for help, and I hate being a burden.
His mother walked back in at this point, clearly more calm,
"You want to know if he can stay here?"
Alkis nodded,
"What was he in Juvy for?"
Alkis laughs,
"Uh, shoplifting and some light arson. He's not dangerous, he's just had a really raw deal in life and was trying to take care of himself."
His mother nodded, sitting down and whispering to his father for a moment. Finally she turned back and nodded,
"He can stay here."
Alkis smiled,
"Thank you. He can have my room and stuff until he's able to furnish his own."
His father nodded,
"That'll be fine. I can get him a job at the company, so that he can start building a resume and everything. We'll take good care of him."
"I know you will."
His mother pursed her lips for a moment, before looking to Alkis,
"How are you... mentally Alkis?"
Huh... That's odd, they've never really tried to ask,
"Because the pastor pointed out to us that even Jesus helped those that are sick."
Ah, there it is. Can't let your sick son keep you out of Heaven I suppose.
He smiled slightly,
"I'm good mom, I'm fine."
He said as he stood.
"Anyways, I've got to go. I've got a date soon, so I wanna make sure I get everything perfect. I think that they're... well they're perfect, so the date has to be too."
His mother looked like she would protest, but smiled at the mention of a date and nodded, as his father stood to accompany him to the door.
"Thanks dad. I appreciate all of this a lot."
His father nodded, and looked to be struggling with something internally before stopping Alkis,
"I know that we don't get along great Alkis, or at least it's difficult for you to be around us with the way we feel about some things and vice versa but... We're doing our best. We really do love you son. Please, give us a call, and keep stopping in."
Alkis nodded,
He kept eye contact that whole time. He really must mean in.
He swallowed,
"Yeah, I'll do that. I want to try and make this work dad, I do. Plus I've got to check up on Noah."
He says as he sees Noah approach the railing by the stairs and wave. Alkis waved back.
"For the record dad, I love you guys too."
He said before exiting the house. Once the door was closed he turned back and looked at the house. He could see his brother and Noah at the window waving, he smiled waving back again, before seeing the painting on the wall behind them. Alkis could feel the headache already, the pain in his mind, his eyes, it felt like it was in his very essence of being. He closed his eyes hard and turned, hoping his brother wouldn't notice. The visions flashed away in his mind. Creatures fighting, ripping into him. Grape vines climbing his legs and beginning to suffocate him, madness, people fighting, dying, bleeding, and crying. He clenched his fists hard, and focused with all his might, and the visions disappeared, though the pain stayed there.
"Fuck."
He said as he hailed another Taxi, once again offering a generous tip for getting him to his destination quickly. Eventually he reached Camp Half Blood, tipping the driver heavily, he entered camp, keeping his head down and his glasses on, he returned to his cabin, and sat on his bunk for a moment.
"Shit. God Dammit!"
He screamed, throwing the tennis ball at the wall near him, as it bounced back at him, nearly hitting him, he put his head in his hands.
"I can't do this anymore. I've got to figure this out."
He sighed heavily, grabbing the tennis ball and lying back down on his bunk. He began tossing it back into the air, catching and throwing, catching and throwing, breathing in and out, in and out. Eventually he fell into a fitful sleep filled with nightmares. When he woke up he realized one thing.
I've only got a day until the date.
He smiled at this thought, before face palming,
I've only got a day until the date! It's gotta be perfect, damn!
He thought, jumping to his feet, quickly getting changed and beginning to scribble down a list for himself to fill out in preparation. Not once did the smile leave his face.
submitted by Alkis_Callellis to CampHalfBloodRP

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