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journey of an alcoholic

childhood. many of us were different. i was fat and nerdy. very few friends. i don't understand other people. i say the wrong thing in conversations and people punish me for it, so i learn to stay quiet.
college. obese. invisible to most people. no social skills, huge anxiety. alcohol made it possible to begin to socialize, it stops me from over analyzing every social situation out of fear of saying the wrong thing.
first job. found fitness. people like me now, but only when i drink, otherwise i'm just awkward. go to a lot of bars and learn about dating. alcohol makes me better at it. i can be the life of the party, if i'm drunk.
alcohol fixes me, it makes me normal, so i drink all the time. relationships start to fall apart because all i do is drink. fuck them, losers, get a life. i start losing normal friends and surround myself with party people. i used to have no friends at all and now i have tons of them!
i do something horrible, that wouldn't have happened if i wasnt drunk. i sub to SD which was much smaller back then. i do 30 days dry. i make it, and on day 31 i celebrate with shots and unsub from SD because obviously i'm not an alcoholic like those losers.
my friends are hardcore now. my girlfriend is beautiful, i never thought i could date a woman like that. on the instagram coolness scale i am winning life, i am so much better than the fat ugly loser i used to be. she likes me because i pay for the drinks, because all we do is drink. we can't stand each other sober. i'm spending thousands of dollars on bars.
we live for edm concerts. MDMA 15 times a year. cocaine on weekdays. i use other people's adderall to get through the hangovers at work. i'm addicted to porn, i can't even get out of bed in the morning without that dopamine hit. my dick doesn't get hard anymore, this makes me drink even more because then at least i have an excuse. she's cheating on me with the dealer.
i OD on NYE, i eat all the drugs in my pocket which was 1.5g of MDMA. i disassociate for a while but don't die. MDMA at this level is probably neurotoxic and damages my dopamine receptors, so if I didn't have ADHD before, I have it now.
hungover eating has made me fat again. all i do is drink, drug, and recover. no time for the gym anymore, because it's 5:00 and i've had a long day and i need a drink. i realize i can't make a week without drinking. i start tracking my drinking on a whitebord. my whiteboard says i drink 6 days a week. i'm failing at work. I have brain fog. i'm about to be fired so i quit and do freelance programmer. the people on the internet don't realize that i am hungover in bed half the time, with skype status set to green on my phone so i can wake up if someone messages me. i find a dysfunctional company that can't tell if i'm actually accomplishing anything and float for a while.
I see a doctor about the brain fog, I'm convinced I have celiac and have been eating gluten free. Or maybe it's diabetes. The piece of paper summarizing my visit diagnoses me with cocaine abuse and alcoholism. But it's not like I'm going to quit, drugs aren't a big deal, maybe i should cut back a little bit, maybe keep it to a six pack on weekdays. i start drinking craft beer.
my girlfriend wakes me up wrong one day, i'm hungover and i tell her to fuck herself. she leaves for work and i never see her again. i do MDMA and cocaine alone in my basement for a week straight. she keeps the party friends, i'm kicked out of the group and nobody gives a shit, i never hear from any of my best friends ever again. the only friend i have left is my roommate who i use cocaine with.
i hire a personal trainer for monday's at 8am, because it means i won't be able to drink on sunday night - so that's one night a week at least. i quit cocaine, but relapse every time i get drunk and "happen to find it", which is all the fucking time.
i lose enough weight to start dating again. i meet a girl who barely drinks. that'll never work but she's really pretty so i try it out. gradually i learn how she lives her life without alcohol. she watches tv and cooks dinner with girlfriends and goes to church with her family and other lame shit. On my 30th birthday i get pulled over wasted with her in the car, somehow i don't go to jail (?????). it's not the first time i got lucky. i realize that if i don't quit i will get the dui i deserve any day now.
i ask her for help getting into a therapist office, i don't have it together enough to do it myself. obviously not for alcohol, for other stuff like my anxiety. really i know that my life goal (start a business) will never happen if i continue to drink. therapist listens to me talk about how i'm not an alcoholic but alcohol is the source of all my problems. somehow i decide to see if i can make it a week until our next visit. i drink one more time, that night, at a concert, to say goodbye or something.
it fucking hurts. i don't know how i got through that period. i start the business and drown myself in that. it keeps me clean because if i drink i know i will not succeed in business. i am a broken fucking person and the girl eventually dumps me, she says my personality changed and i have mood swings. Melatonin to sleep, exercise and ice cream helps the cravings. I pick up a nasty sugar habit and start binge eating. Nobody wants to drink after eating a whole pizza, you want to throw up and go to bed. Which beats sitting there in agony.
After about 6 months things start to level out. i exercise 5x a week and get back to peak shape. i work all the time. i don't date, I couldn't possibly, all I think about is recovery, no girl wants that. the fog clears and I can start to piece together what happened to me. I get an ADHD diagnosis. My mom has no recollection of me having ADHD symptoms as a child. Every day hurts like the one before, but every month has huge strides. i reconnect with my siblings and family who i didn't even know what their current jobs were. i start working on my binge eating.
i meet a woman who doesn't drink, because her mother is an alcoholic. when i am with her, i don't feel alone, i don't do stupid addictive things like eat pints of ice cream and pizza. she's pretty boring. she watches too much TV. but when i am with her, the pain of addiction goes away. i am boring too now. She says she will go on runs with me for as long as our bodies are capable. If I stay with her, she won't tolerate me drinking because of her mother. so I know I can make it. i'm also a successful businessman. i negotiate deals with powerful people and they take me seriously. i've never missed work, i'm always feeling good. i have savings, i don't throw away 100% of my money on booze. last week i had sexy time unanticipated so i hadn't taken my viagra, but everything worked.
i have two years sober now. that's my story, i hope it helps someone.
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