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[Trail of Cthulhu] The Legend of Henderson
It uses a Roll Under Percentile system (roll a D100, or, if you actually want the die to stop rolling sometime this month, roll 2 D10s and use one as the "tens" place and one as the "ones" place, with a double 0 being 100. if your result is below your target number you pass. Congrats) and draws inspiration from H.P. Lovecraft's Cthulhu Mythos, mainly by taking all the cool horror bits and leaving out all the racism and comments on how Black People reproduce via laying eggs.
The system is famous for introducing the concept of a Sanity check, a reflection both of how traumatizing an event is to your psyche as well as the stat itself being inversely proportional to your understanding of what's really going on.
You can't grasp that unknowable monsters from beyond the veil of reality are seeking to return to earth and stay sane doing it.
The game, like most RPGs circa 1980 (looking at you AD&D) is punishingly difficult, to the point that there exists a meme that playing Call of Cthulhu inevitably ends with all characters both dead and insane.
Trail of Cthulhu, in turn, is a 2008 remake of this system which swaps the D100 roll under system for a D6 skill-check based system known as GUMSHOE. GUMSHOE is ideal for roleplayers by virtue of emphasizing characters having a lot of skills over hard mechanics built into their character sheet, and the Trail of Cthulhu system further builds on it with "Purist" style, where the game is cosmic horror and your characters will end up dead and insane, or "Pulp" style which is more of an adventure romp but where your best case scenario is still "survival".
This is a story in the Purist setting, where victory is impossible and a grissly death is assured, so you may as well get it over with now. It comes from a forum post on /tg/, back before 4chan was exclusively neo nazis, and is almost certainly fabricated in key areas and what isn't fabrication is almost certainly hyperbole.
Nevertheless, it is a story worth telling. A reminder of what happens when a Game Master forgets his job isn't to "beat" his players, and in so doing he pisses off a roleplayer in a roleplayer-friendly game system.
THE BIRTH OF HENDERSONWe begin with a man calling himself "Waffle House Millionaire" because it's a forum so of course he calls himself that. Waffle House Millionaire is a roleplayer. Like hardcore. He'd probably impress Matt Mercer with his dedication to a character.
Waffle House Millionaire is fine with his characters dying. A bad roll? It happens. Made a bad choice in character? even better!
What he's not ok with is a murderous KeepeGM who will arbitrarily force characters to lose sanity, tell them to roll D6s that only have 5 sides, or dropping a horse out of the sky for no reason to kill off his character.
Evidently this last bit was so infuriating that one of his fellow players (A Self Called Nowhere, he shows up to comment on the post too) had to physically restrain Millionaire from attacking the Game Master.
At this point everyone was unsure of what to do, whether to even continue the campaign. As the GM left the table for a moment to order pizza, Millionaire turned to the other players and declared:
I know you guys are thinking of quitting but please don't. I want you all to watch what I'm going to do next.
AAAAAAAAAAAH, AFTER TEN THOUSAND YEARS I'M FREEEEEE!A man can do terrible things when he breaks. His actions may no longer be his own. Waffle House Millionaire was done playing with small guns. He was bringing out the big guns. Someone gave him some small guns once and he gave them back, "I won't be needing those anymore".
At the next session, Waffle House Millionaire arrived with his new character. A 320 page tome of eldritch lore encompassed every element of the new character's backstory, from his casual understanding of theoretical physics to his ability to rapidly acquire large amounts of plastic explosives. It changed perspectives and even languages over its entire length. Sometimes it shifted from third to first person, other times it abandoned perspective entirely, switching instead to stage directions like a script, or switching to (reportedly) flawless german, despite Waffle House Millionaire apparently only being fluent in English.
This Treatise described a monstrosity the likes of which will not be seen again
Old Man Henderson.
Old Man Henderson was a 47 year old mental patient with grey hair spiked into a Fauxhawk. He suffered from Schizophrenia and dyslexia, and took to self medicating to quiet his hallucinations with large amounts of weed and alcohol. He wore a hawaiian shirt over a wife beater, with cargo shorts full of whatever he might need. His combat boots had heelies in them, and he carried an automatic combat shotgun he had mastered the use of.
On his shoulder was a stuffed parrot he considered real, while he would typically dismiss other player characters as part of his hallucinations. He would slip into and out of an impenetrable scottish brogue depending on his level of excitement and blood alcohol content, despite never having left the United States.
He refused to remove his aviator sunglasses for any reason, and he blamed all his problems on his Veitnam service (despite being 12 in 1974), and had memorized the anarchist cookbook.
Most importantly, he believed the local cults, whom he thought were all Mormons in yellow robs, had stolen his garden gnomes, when in truth he had donated them to goodwill then gotten high and forgotten about it.
And once again, his every quirk was justified by his 320 page backstory.
Part of the reason for its length was the knowledge that the GM would never read it.
Thus it could be edited without notice, allowing Henderson to have any skill he might need whenever he'd need it.
And finally allowing Old Man Henderson to appear like a serious character rather than the transparent, game wrecking cheese that he was.
And so, it beginsThe existing characters, a jock, a detective, and A Self Called Nowhere (Who I will not be referring to by character for reasons which will rapidly become apparent) had begun investigatong a local cult to Hastur, with Nowhere having infiltrated the cult and the detective and jock staking out the place from outaide.
A buick pulls up, and out steps an old man. In plain view he is carrying a combat shotgun, and he walks straight up to the church the cult are using as a meeting ground. He kicks in the door and bellows
MUCKLE DAMRED CULTI 'AIR EH NAMBLIES BE KEEPIN' ME WEE MEN!?!?Naturally unable to understand a word the deranged man carrying a shotgun is saying, the local cult leader assumes he's attempting to use the Black Speech and decides to retaliate in kind. He turns to his assistant and ritually murders him, summoning a Shoggoth from the depths of the great unknown to brutally murder this mystery man with the fauxhawk.
Henderson responds with a little hellfire of his own, hurling Molotov cocktails into the church, burning cultists alive left and right (including Nowhere) and finally destroying the Shoggoth. He dismissed it as the "ugliest poodle he'd ever seen" before taking a piss on its corpse. He then hopped back in his buick and drove off as the church and any clues inside burned to the ground.
and that was how Old Man Henderson met the party.
He later joined proper after, failing to determine how to find the "Mormons" that stole his gnome collection, he decided to hire a PI on a whim. By sheer coincidence the first name he saw in the phone book belonged to the Detective, and after a visit to the local bar and a discussion about Henderson's past a shipbuilder and thai prostitute, he was in!
The Spirit WalkHenderson had volunteered to chaperone a local school dance, though as usual he had forgotten this until reminded at the last second.
In order to keep in touch in a pre-cellphone setting he stopped by the Detective's office to let him know where he'd be for the night. The detective, meanwhile, was out at the moment investigating a recent page of the Necronomicon he had uncovered in the burned remains of the church. So Henderson talked to the detective's assistant, before nicking the page of the necronomicon and heading to the school dance.
Arriving in his usual wife-beater-cargo-shorts-hawaiian-shirt combo, Henderson was relegated to door duty to stop "undesireables" from other schools crashing the dance.
Insistent on sticking to his post he nevertheless quickly grew bored. Spying a depressed Jimmy the Jock, sitting stag outside the dance due to his girlfriend joining a local cult, Henderson decided to make a new friend. And the best way to bond with new friends is over a phat doobie Henderson called "the atomica".
Lacking any rolling papers, Henderson used the only paper he had: a page of THE NECRONOMICON.
Henderson himself, used to seeing things, naturally dismissed the resulting mushroom samba, but Jimmy was not so fortunate. He witnessed a hellish vision of Things Man Was Not Meant To Know, pleasantly blunted by the weed into a twisted rendition of Looney Toons.
Though damaging to his young psyche, Jimmy enjoyed the experience, and quickly got to swapping stories with Henderson. Soon the blunt was gone, and it was then that the Detective arrived to find his only lead gone with it. Fortunately Jimmy could point them in the right direction, the cult his girlfriend had joined.
THE Tanker Truck IncidentSeveral nights later, the remaining party had discovered the meeting place for a local hastur cult. Electing to stake the place out, Nowhere, Henderson, and the Detective all arrived in a nondescript 4 door sedan. Jimmy the Jock had been told to stay home, as it was a school night and Henderson didn't want him ruining his education.
Henderson quickly grew bored with the stakeout, though, and decided to go down to a nearby gas station for alcohol and smokes.
The cult guards naturally noticed an old man with a fauxhawk and a hawaiian shirt get out of the car parked across the street though, and soon realized they were being watched, capturing the Detective and Nowhere.
The cultists elected to use a ritual as a loophole to allow the banished Hastur to return to reality by using the detective's body as a host. Before the ritual was complete the detective managed to free Nowhere, who fled into the street.
Sadly he was soon followed by a now Hastur possesed demon form of the Detective, who attempted to kill him.
Down the street, Henderson was enjoying a smoke next to a gas station as it was being refueled. As an attendant came to tell him to cut that shit out, the Old Man spied Nowhere run out of the church, followed by the obviously demonic detective. He kicked the attendant in the groin and stole the tanker, ripping its refueling umbilical off at the junction and trailing fuel behind him the whole while.
Slamming the pedal to the floor, he produced a knife from his pocket. Jamming it through the pedal, he aimed the tanker at the detective before hopping out of the tanker and riding the heelies in his combat boots to safety. The tanker exploded, destroying yet another cult, the detective, and running Nowhere over in the process.
then the trail of gas ignited from the explosion, carrying fire back to the station and blowing it up too, conveniently erasing any evidence Henderson was ever there.
As the camera 'Michael Bay'ed around him, Henderson called up Jimmy the Jock.
I figured out what the nasties are weak against.Then he hopped in the sedan and drove off.
What's that, Mr. Henderson?
Point blank annihilation.
Rampaging Engine of DestructionWith the Detective and Nowhere dead, Henderson was now the only person left to investigate. Fortunately he quickly stumbled onto Will, the son of the local mob boss and former bartender after Henderson burned down his bar.
Will directed them back to a mob safe house the cultists were using as a front. As the two arrived at the safe house, Will and Henderson both spotted the cultists loading Nowhere as a hostage into the trunk. Leaping into action, they smashed the cultists out of the way, hopped out and stole the car, as Henderson ignited the car they arrived in, accidentally igniting their car and burning Nowhere to death in the trunk. Unable to stop them, the cultists laid a curse on the getaway vehicle.
The duo then headed for a mob friendly bar to get more leads, where Nowhere was now a down on his luck used-car salesman playing darts. Happy for the first time in weeks, Nowhere went to throw the final dart of his "perfect game", as the cursed brakes of Henderson and Will's getaway vehicle gave out, causing them to plow through the front of the bar, killing Nowhere in the process.
After a tense confrontation with the bartender, Henderson and Will were directed to a house the mob abandoned after cultists used it for bloodyrituals.
At the same time, Nowhere, now a grizzled detective searching for the people who ritualistically killed his wife, headed to the same house.
Henderson and Will arrived first, with henderson nonchalantly shuffling around the house, spitting on ritual circles in the basement and casually reading black speech from the few books that remain in the house.
Naturally this summoned a Shoggoth in the basement, right as Nowhere broke in to snoop around. The sight of That Which Should Not Be drove him to a brief mental breakdown, curling into a fetal position in the basement as the Shoggoth moved to eat him.
As Henderson and Will obliviously peruse the ground floor,the pair stumble on the kitchen, still stocked with high proof spirits. And, as it turns out, a few malevent ones. Realizing they're now under attack, Henderson smashed the alcohol and set it aflame, dragging Will out of the inferno as Nowhere again burned to death inside.
Then they drove off.
Nowhere now returned as a mob leg breaker, hired by a strange man who looked like a mormon in a yellow robe to kill Henderson. It turns out finding an old man in a hawaiian shirt with a fauxhawk and no indoor-voice wasn't particularly hard. Catching up to Henderson peeing on the corpse of a would be mugger in an alley, Nowhere decided to try his luck.
He tapped the guy on the shoulder, "You the one they call Henderson?"
"Aye, indeed I am!"
Nowhere swung with his right, catching Henderson in the face and smashing his sunglasses. Instantly Henderson swapped them for a fresh pair from his pocket.
Nowhere went in for the left hook, breaking Henderson's second pair of sunglasses. The old man instantly producesd another fresh pair.
"Now look, buddy. I only got one more pair a sunglasses and even less patience, so you best cut that shit out less ye wanna end up like me piss boy here"
Nowhere paused, relating how he was hired to kill him by a man in a yellow robe.
"A yellow robe? Aye seems there was a misunderstanding here" Henderson said
"I've been lied to?" Nowhere asked, expecting this to be his moment to join the party.
"Nay, yer spot on" Henderson replied, as he took a shotgun to Nowhere's kneecaps "But no one gets between me 'n me wee men". And then Henderson killed Nowhere.
On his corpse they found the lead they needed, a cult had ties to a rich man and his penthouse, where they're planning to summon Cthulhu. At the same time, a local Hastur cult was sailing in on a yacht to perform a ritual at the docks. And so, a daring raid began.
The YachtJimmy had discovered that his girlfriend had been taken as a virgin sacrifice by the cult she joined. She was to be the centerpiece of the ritual the yacht cultists would perform.
Naturally this couldn't be allowed, so Jimmy and Will worked together to rig the docks with a massive sound system as Nowhere, now an international man of mystery, built thousands of smoke bombs.
The yacht arrived, sailing steadily into dock unaware of the trap waiting for it. At the same time, Henderson snuck into a local military base, Shoryukened a pilot out of his cargo helicopter, and flew off to the docks.
As the cultists prepared their ritual sacrifice, Henderson arrived, hovering forty feet over the yacht. On cue, Jimmy and Will activated the sound system, one side blasting God Save the Queen", the other, the beach landing scene from *Saving Private Ryan.
The yacht quickly devolved into chaos as the sounds of a warzone erupt around it. Henderson anchored the yacht to a tow cable, then rigged it to lift off as Jimmy, Will, and Nowhere climbed aboard.
Henderson rappelled down like Eryol fucking Flynn, grabbed Jimmy's girlfriend, and axe kicked the Cult leader to death, launching him off the yacht as it rose out of the sea and into the air.
The pair then zipped up back to the helicopter, as it flew deep into the city, towards the cthulhu cult's penthouse. 80 feet up from the building, Henderson cut the cable, dropping a 40 foot yacht full of crazed Hastur cultists right into the middle of their rival cultists. Then Henderson and the whole team parachuted out, heading back to Henderson's buick, as the copter crashed in a giant fireball like something out of GTA V, burning all the cultists to death and destroying the evidence of Henderson's involvement yet again.
The GnomeThe attack on the yacht and penthouse had caused open warfare to erupt in the streets between rival gangs of cultists. Though the group had survived happily, with Henderson driving off, hot boxing his buick as Jimmy and his girlfriend got busy in the back seat, the danger was not over.
The open warfare saw chaos in the streets, zombies and shoggoths running rampant as local law enforcement tried to contain beings it couldn't even comprehend.
The gang wars were not helped by Henderson's tendancy to switch cult of Hastur summoning rituals with cult of Cthulhu rituals, leading to things like whole churches of Hastur followers being devoured by Cthulhu tentacle monsters and swearing vengeance.
Knowing the danger, Henderson sent Jimmy and his girlfriend out of the city. Both to preserve their innocence, and to ensure that should Henderson, Will, and Nowhere fail, a beacon could continue to shine in the darkness.
With thousands of monsters and angry cultists on their tail, Will, Nowhere, and Henderson fell back to their last stronghold, an abandoned ice rink Henderson had spent an inordinant amount of time in leading up to this fight.
Cultists poured in from every entrance, with Nowhere and Henderson blasting away at them at every turn. they began reinforcing and sealing the entrances, until Henderson noticed something.
On their way to the rink, they had smashed through a home and garden store.
In the bed of their truck lay a single, undamaged garden gnome. Henderson knew the meaning of this omen.
He turned to his fellows and said "Gentlemen, it has been an honor". Understanding his meaning, they steeled themselves for their final stand.
Nowhere was the first to fall, as the last door barricade gave way, the cultists dragging him through a door before he detonated a grenade, taking them with him.
Will and Henderson retreated to the center rink, where Will hopped on a zamboni and began mowing down cultists.
Henderson, meanwhile, revealed his Four Time World Champion Ice Skater status, and, taking a crate of explosives with him, began zooming around the ice launching grenades at every monster and cultist who came to the rink.
Eventually even they were too much, as Will was pulled from his Zamboni and torn to pieces. All alone, Henderson would not give up. After a masterful triple axle pirhouette, he reached into his pocket and set a timer for 15 seconds while standing on one leg at the center of the rink.
Then he called "Hastur, Hastur, Hastur!", summoning forth the great old one. Out of the ice it rose, sending the cultists assumbled around Henderson into fits of madness at the sight, even as Henderson's own mental illness shielded him from the beast's abomination.
And then, Waffle House Millionaire broke character for the first time in months of sessions. He declared,
Alright, we win
You see, when an elder god arrives, it briefly has a bout of summoning sickness as it acclimates to our reality. This is the only time it's susceptable to physical damage.
And Henderson had spent all his free time wiring the entire ice rink with enough C4 to make a 9/11 conspiracy theorist blush.
As Henderson's fury obliterated everything in a three mile radius he declared to Hastur, "THAT'S FER ME WEE MEN YE MORMON FOOKS!"
and this is the story of how Old Man Henderson is the only person to ever win Trail of Cthulhu.
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Also cause it's on hard mode